I was sharing a bagel with Charlie and I reached over and touched his shoulder to comfort him and he attacked. It was so crazy and violent and unexpected. You can't even imagine what it's like to fear your child. To not know if this hug or this word is the one that makes you bloody. You sleep with one eye open, always on edge, always expecting the worst. My

heart will give out one time he attacks me and I know that's how I'll die.

And I'll never see it coming and he'll never know I loved him anyway.

Sometimes I know the right thing to say. This is not one of those times.

oh god. i am so sorry. i cannot even imagine.

I have anti-anxiety meds for me just for when he attacks because he's sent me to the hospital twice thinking that I was having a heart attack. Louis is going back to school and gidge has to go to Jacksonville a few days a month and soon it will just be me, the twins, and Julia.

Julia is amazing and Miles is mostly chill. But I'm terrified of those days.

And at least three hours a day after school is just me and him. I'm having a nervous fucking breakdown about being by myself and no one thinks I should be this worried.

Because I'm big and strong and armed. But you can't just fight like you would a stranger, that would be easier.

Oh well.

I think it would be more strange if you weren't worried about it.

I think being scared would be a natural reaction regardless of your size.

Does he qualify for any sort of in-home assistance? Just to have another adult on hand if needed?

What would be the process of getting some help at home for him?

Hiring a live-in bodyguard that is with him 24/7. That's about it.

My heart goes out to you, I can't even imagine how terrible this must be for you. I'm so sorry.

I don't know what to say

It sucks there are no answers.

I don't know what to say.

there are no words