
NaiLo Ren.
( RL talk // depression & anxiety )

NaiLo Ren.
cleaning my room rn but anyway

NaiLo Ren.
i kinda just wanted to talk this out to myself / EVERYONE ON MY PLURKLIST APPARENTLY...

NaiLo Ren.
i won't delve too heavily right now but

NaiLo Ren.
/sigh/ :/ all this BS with my job is a wake up call for me.

NaiLo Ren.
it's hard for me to differentiate between me needing to get my act together or maybe this is just a sign that i need to get out of this job

NaiLo Ren.
it's not a terrible job, really. but it's minimum wage. i work a lot of hours, and it's exhausting because of the monotonous hours and the customer service aspect

NaiLo Ren.
amd i guess the fact that i'm on the 'out' with a lot of my coworkers

NaiLo Ren.
honestly there's more days than not that i come home and just don't have energy for art or job hunting which man

NaiLo Ren.
that just sounds so bs

NaiLo Ren.
but between my own struggle with my mood and just all the BS that's been happening.

NaiLo Ren.
/sigh/

NaiLo Ren.
i don't know

NaiLo Ren.
i just don't want to be one of 'those' people who just

NaiLo Ren.
leeches off of other people

NaiLo Ren.
or can't afford to take care of themselves

NaiLo Ren.
but i really do hate this job

NaiLo Ren.
it could be worse. it could always be worse but

NaiLo Ren.
yeah i don't know

𝒹𝓊𝓀𝑒
job hunting takes a lot of energy out of you. I'm procrastinating it too, because it means a lot of rejections before finally getting it

NaiLo Ren.
i feel like i'm stuck in a rut and this shit isn't going to help me feel better at all. now i'm just going to be in constant fear that i am going to lose my job if I don't within the next two weeks

𝒹𝓊𝓀𝑒
and nobody wants to set themselves up for rejection. but you can't apply for jobs thinking you'll get it on the first try, cause that's bad

NaiLo Ren.
yeah

NaiLo Ren.
i don't know

NaiLo Ren.
I feel like just quitting my job or losing this job means i'm "worthless"

NaiLo Ren.
because you know AT LEAST I HAD MY JOB sort of deal

𝒹𝓊𝓀𝑒
I think if you make it past this hurdle, and you can show people the change they want to see, then you can make it! (cont)

𝒹𝓊𝓀𝑒
but ultimately it's out of your hands

NaiLo Ren.
but at the same time

NaiLo Ren.
its like i don't know if continuing like this is worth it for me

NaiLo Ren.
because like it's this feedback loop

NaiLo Ren.
I get hours and i work lots but then i don't have time to job hunt or find a job in my field

NaiLo Ren.
i get depressed and stuck in a rut

NaiLo Ren.
do poorly at my job

𝒹𝓊𝓀𝑒
you're definitely not worthless if you lose this job or give up on it. it's a draining job and it's one you're doing out of necessity

NaiLo Ren.
etcetcetc

NaiLo Ren.
and like I know my depression or anxiety won't be 'fixed' by a better job

NaiLo Ren.
i won't suddenly be 'perfect'

NaiLo Ren.
but i'm at that theatre 30 hrsish a week

NaiLo Ren.
the hours are irregular and at odd times

NaiLo Ren.
and DID I MENTION CUSTOMER SERVICE BECAUSE CUSTOMER SERVICE

𝒹𝓊𝓀𝑒
right it's really. not conducive to shining mental health, needless to say

NaiLo Ren.
yeah and i don't want to use my depression or anxiety as a crutch or an excuse because lord knows i hate being seen as 'weak'

NaiLo Ren.
or like unfit or w/e

NaiLo Ren.
i just hate not knowing whether this is just my own scumbag brain or whether i am just like this or if i am doing the right thing. which i know is impossible

NaiLo Ren.
but damn i didn't want to be in this job for this long

✿ ɢᴇʀᴀɴɪᴜᴍs
/cuddles a lot

NaiLo Ren.
i've been in it since................

NaiLo Ren.
september? august???

NaiLo Ren.
closing in on six months

NaiLo Ren.
which isn't that long

NaiLo Ren.
but i'm almost a year out of school

𝒹𝓊𝓀𝑒
right /holds

NaiLo Ren.
and i mean that's the other thing about depression/mental illness

NaiLo Ren.
I don't feel like i can talk to/am close enough to talk to people at work about it

MindEvaporator
Well it's not an uncommon thing youre going through but hell maybe just getting like a receptionist job or something would help

NaiLo Ren.
like online i talk pretty freely about it, because there isn't such a stigma about it with you guys

MindEvaporator
Just like a change if pace

NaiLo Ren.
but I feel like if I just was straight up honest at work they'd see me as a liability

NaiLo Ren.
MindEvaporator
: yeah i'm looking at other options on craigslist and such

NaiLo Ren.
BUT ITS LIKE

NaiLo Ren.
I can't come into work going "YEAH SO I WAS WONDERING WHAT THE POINT OF LIFE IS TODAY AND THOUGHT MAYBE I SHOULD JUST NOT EXIST. SO SORRY IF I AM A BIT DISTRACTED"

𝒹𝓊𝓀𝑒
Yeah, that's a real fear, man.

MindEvaporator
Yeah my mom went through the same rut and i suggested doing something like negotiating different hours but like i said achange of pace might help

MindEvaporator
Cause yeah its like stress just feeds it

NaiLo Ren.
yeah

NaiLo Ren.
its hard explaining to my parents too

NaiLo Ren.
my mom doesn't really know what to do with my anxiety/depression and my dad just .....

NaiLo Ren.
it's my dad's side that the biology comes from

NaiLo Ren.
we just don't discuss it period

NaiLo Ren.
he had an aunt who committed suicide

NaiLo Ren.
his mother was an extreme hoarder who severely damaged his brothers (who has autism) chances at being a functional adult by babying him his entire life

𝒹𝓊𝓀𝑒
yikes....

NaiLo Ren.
his sister has had several suicide attempts

NaiLo Ren.
awit whoops change that autism to aspergers

NaiLo Ren.
i know my brother has (probably still is) struggling with depressive thoughts.

NaiLo Ren.
i think the same sort of thing happened with him too? where he just got stuck in jobs he hated

𝒹𝓊𝓀𝑒
Yeah, I had to explain to my dad that he was depressed after my mom has her stroke because he just.... wasn't functioning

MindEvaporator
Venting helps a lot, there's this one site where you vent anonymously to one person im trying to remember it might be worth looking into

𝒹𝓊𝓀𝑒
... had

NaiLo Ren.
oh yeah i think i know

NaiLo Ren.
emotional baggage check

MindEvaporator
Oh yeah that's it

𝒹𝓊𝓀𝑒
=A= it just sucks that these problems are so widespread but there's still this huge stigma

NaiLo Ren.
i dont even think my dad knew i was on anti-depressants for a while

NaiLo Ren.
or had anti-anxiety meds

NaiLo Ren.
(Which i still miss. omg xanax was awesome)

NaiLo Ren.
(But I don't want to go back on because i know there's an addictive quality to them)

NaiLo Ren.
dsaidshaiod i just hope this spike of anxiety ends soon

NaiLo Ren.
I've lost my appetite and it is the fucking pits

𝒹𝓊𝓀𝑒
I hope so too /hugsss

NaiLo Ren.
ty to anyone who read /talked with me

NaiLo Ren.
u_u;;; I'm feeling like i'm being kind of an immature baby about this in general because i really have no right to say i can afford to just lose this job and do my own thing

NaiLo Ren.
but it was nice to talk it out and see maybe that feeling isn't completely unfounded and ridiculous

NaiLo Ren.
anyway imma bounce off to my school and go talk to my teacher

sᴜɴ ᴅʀᴏᴘ
I know how you feel, and I know I'm super lucky that my parents are being helpful, but I'm just going to an employment agency. I haven't contacted them yet, but I have a list of them to use.

sᴜɴ ᴅʀᴏᴘ
Maybe that could be something to help you>

sᴜɴ ᴅʀᴏᴘ
i hate giving advice, cause it usually sucks, but /lies that down

𝒹𝓊𝓀𝑒
future and life stuff is scary. it can make anyone feel like a kid again, especially when you feel all powerless and junk

𝒹𝓊𝓀𝑒
so don't worry, your feelings aren't silly


NaiLo Ren.
sᴜɴ ᴅʀᴏᴘ
: its always worth a shot c:

NaiLo Ren.
𝒹𝓊𝓀𝑒
: thanks, i just hate being 26 and in this job

sᴜɴ ᴅʀᴏᴘ
It might help. idk. I wanna leave my job too. I feel pathetic working there. It feels like a high school job and I'm an adult who is supposed to have a career. At least, that is what society wants for us

NaiLo Ren.
like on some level it's not even the whole career bit it's just not even something remote i enjoy

NaiLo Ren.
which a job shouldn't be something that you enjoy but

NaiLo Ren.
it just takes everything out of me

NaiLo Ren.
and I have no motivation to do well or better. i mean of course keeping the job and continuing the cash flow but

NaiLo Ren.
I don't want this job. I want a different job with better options or benefits or an actual schedule so i know when i'll be at work at what time