NaiLo Ren.
( RL talk // depression & anxiety )
NaiLo Ren.
cleaning my room rn but anyway
NaiLo Ren.
i kinda just wanted to talk this out to myself / EVERYONE ON MY PLURKLIST APPARENTLY...
NaiLo Ren.
i won't delve too heavily right now but
NaiLo Ren.
/sigh/ :/ all this BS with my job is a wake up call for me.
NaiLo Ren.
it's hard for me to differentiate between me needing to get my act together or maybe this is just a sign that i need to get out of this job
NaiLo Ren.
it's not a terrible job, really. but it's minimum wage. i work a lot of hours, and it's exhausting because of the monotonous hours and the customer service aspect
NaiLo Ren.
amd i guess the fact that i'm on the 'out' with a lot of my coworkers
NaiLo Ren.
honestly there's more days than not that i come home and just don't have energy for art or job hunting which man
NaiLo Ren.
that just sounds so bs
NaiLo Ren.
but between my own struggle with my mood and just all the BS that's been happening.
NaiLo Ren.
/sigh/
NaiLo Ren.
i don't know
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i just don't want to be one of 'those' people who just
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leeches off of other people
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or can't afford to take care of themselves
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but i really do hate this job
NaiLo Ren.
it could be worse. it could always be worse but
NaiLo Ren.
yeah i don't know
𝒹𝓊𝓀𝑒
job hunting takes a lot of energy out of you. I'm procrastinating it too, because it means a lot of rejections before finally getting it
NaiLo Ren.
i feel like i'm stuck in a rut and this shit isn't going to help me feel better at all. now i'm just going to be in constant fear that i am going to lose my job if I don't within the next two weeks
𝒹𝓊𝓀𝑒
and nobody wants to set themselves up for rejection. but you can't apply for jobs thinking you'll get it on the first try, cause that's bad
NaiLo Ren.
yeah
NaiLo Ren.
i don't know
NaiLo Ren.
I feel like just quitting my job or losing this job means i'm "worthless"
NaiLo Ren.
because you know AT LEAST I HAD MY JOB sort of deal
𝒹𝓊𝓀𝑒
I think if you make it past this hurdle, and you can show people the change they want to see, then you can make it! (cont)
𝒹𝓊𝓀𝑒
but ultimately it's out of your hands
NaiLo Ren.
but at the same time
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its like i don't know if continuing like this is worth it for me
NaiLo Ren.
because like it's this feedback loop
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I get hours and i work lots but then i don't have time to job hunt or find a job in my field
NaiLo Ren.
i get depressed and stuck in a rut
NaiLo Ren.
do poorly at my job
𝒹𝓊𝓀𝑒
you're definitely not worthless if you lose this job or give up on it. it's a draining job and it's one you're doing out of necessity
NaiLo Ren.
etcetcetc
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and like I know my depression or anxiety won't be 'fixed' by a better job
NaiLo Ren.
i won't suddenly be 'perfect'
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but i'm at that theatre 30 hrsish a week
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the hours are irregular and at odd times
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and DID I MENTION CUSTOMER SERVICE BECAUSE CUSTOMER SERVICE
𝒹𝓊𝓀𝑒
right it's really. not conducive to shining mental health, needless to say
NaiLo Ren.
yeah and i don't want to use my depression or anxiety as a crutch or an excuse because lord knows i hate being seen as 'weak'
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or like unfit or w/e
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i just hate not knowing whether this is just my own scumbag brain or whether i am just like this or if i am doing the right thing. which i know is impossible
NaiLo Ren.
but damn i didn't want to be in this job for this long
✿ ɢᴇʀᴀɴɪᴜᴍs
/cuddles a lot
NaiLo Ren.
i've been in it since................
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september? august???
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closing in on six months
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which isn't that long
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but i'm almost a year out of school
𝒹𝓊𝓀𝑒
right /holds
NaiLo Ren.
and i mean that's the other thing about depression/mental illness
NaiLo Ren.
I don't feel like i can talk to/am close enough to talk to people at work about it
MindEvaporator
Well it's not an uncommon thing youre going through but hell maybe just getting like a receptionist job or something would help
NaiLo Ren.
like online i talk pretty freely about it, because there isn't such a stigma about it with you guys
MindEvaporator
Just like a change if pace
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but I feel like if I just was straight up honest at work they'd see me as a liability
NaiLo Ren.
MindEvaporator
: yeah i'm looking at other options on craigslist and such
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BUT ITS LIKE
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I can't come into work going "YEAH SO I WAS WONDERING WHAT THE POINT OF LIFE IS TODAY AND THOUGHT MAYBE I SHOULD JUST NOT EXIST. SO SORRY IF I AM A BIT DISTRACTED"
𝒹𝓊𝓀𝑒
Yeah, that's a real fear, man.
MindEvaporator
Yeah my mom went through the same rut and i suggested doing something like negotiating different hours but like i said achange of pace might help
MindEvaporator
Cause yeah its like stress just feeds it
NaiLo Ren.
yeah
NaiLo Ren.
its hard explaining to my parents too
NaiLo Ren.
my mom doesn't really know what to do with my anxiety/depression and my dad just .....
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it's my dad's side that the biology comes from
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we just don't discuss it period
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he had an aunt who committed suicide
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his mother was an extreme hoarder who severely damaged his brothers (who has autism) chances at being a functional adult by babying him his entire life
𝒹𝓊𝓀𝑒
yikes....
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his sister has had several suicide attempts
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awit whoops change that autism to aspergers
NaiLo Ren.
i know my brother has (probably still is) struggling with depressive thoughts.
NaiLo Ren.
i think the same sort of thing happened with him too? where he just got stuck in jobs he hated
𝒹𝓊𝓀𝑒
Yeah, I had to explain to my dad that he was depressed after my mom has her stroke because he just.... wasn't functioning
MindEvaporator
Venting helps a lot, there's this one site where you vent anonymously to one person im trying to remember it might be worth looking into
𝒹𝓊𝓀𝑒
... had
NaiLo Ren.
oh yeah i think i know
NaiLo Ren.
emotional baggage check
MindEvaporator
Oh yeah that's it
𝒹𝓊𝓀𝑒
=A= it just sucks that these problems are so widespread but there's still this huge stigma
NaiLo Ren.
i dont even think my dad knew i was on anti-depressants for a while
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or had anti-anxiety meds
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(Which i still miss. omg xanax was awesome)
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(But I don't want to go back on because i know there's an addictive quality to them)
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dsaidshaiod i just hope this spike of anxiety ends soon
NaiLo Ren.
I've lost my appetite and it is the fucking pits
𝒹𝓊𝓀𝑒
I hope so too /hugsss
NaiLo Ren.
ty to anyone who read /talked with me
NaiLo Ren.
u_u;;; I'm feeling like i'm being kind of an immature baby about this in general because i really have no right to say i can afford to just lose this job and do my own thing
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but it was nice to talk it out and see maybe that feeling isn't completely unfounded and ridiculous
NaiLo Ren.
anyway imma bounce off to my school and go talk to my teacher
sᴜɴ ᴅʀᴏᴘ
I know how you feel, and I know I'm super lucky that my parents are being helpful, but I'm just going to an employment agency. I haven't contacted them yet, but I have a list of them to use.
sᴜɴ ᴅʀᴏᴘ
Maybe that could be something to help you>
sᴜɴ ᴅʀᴏᴘ
i hate giving advice, cause it usually sucks, but /lies that down
𝒹𝓊𝓀𝑒
future and life stuff is scary. it can make anyone feel like a kid again, especially when you feel all powerless and junk
𝒹𝓊𝓀𝑒
so don't worry, your feelings aren't silly 
NaiLo Ren.
sᴜɴ ᴅʀᴏᴘ
: its always worth a shot c:
NaiLo Ren.
𝒹𝓊𝓀𝑒
: thanks, i just hate being 26 and in this job
sᴜɴ ᴅʀᴏᴘ
It might help. idk. I wanna leave my job too. I feel pathetic working there. It feels like a high school job and I'm an adult who is supposed to have a career. At least, that is what society wants for us
NaiLo Ren.
like on some level it's not even the whole career bit it's just not even something remote i enjoy
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which a job shouldn't be something that you enjoy but
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it just takes everything out of me
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and I have no motivation to do well or better. i mean of course keeping the job and continuing the cash flow but
NaiLo Ren.
I don't want this job. I want a different job with better options or benefits or an actual schedule so i know when i'll be at work at what time