im scared and its all my fault
Well, during my breakdown last night I managed to prove to myself i could record and edit a video even if it's just me crying (this is actually somehow positive inside)
Subarashii
Subarashii
I'll probably delete this later or private it but....this makes me even more angry that I waited for so long. it was so EASY and all I used was an online video editing tool and audacity
Subarashii
but...I CAN do it. it's not insurmountable. and even if it's a depressive video, I want to at least share that I did SOMETHING I'd wanted to for a while but never did because i kept getting overwhelmed with how hard I pecieved it
Subarashii
I might....I might just do some acapella songs. just me singing with the lyrics on screen. easy stuff with nothing fancy, or if I can find some instrumental tracks.
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I did this in hours in one night. It's worth trying for more...but maybe after I get some more sleep.
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and finish shoving this cheese down my throat so I eat something.
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I've got a meeting with my mental health caseworker on friday. I just had intake.
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and I guess....I guess I'm just maybe feeling...a little hope despite myself.
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just a small bit of light or a spider's thread shining down in the mire I'm in.
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...hell, maybe i'll just read some poems, too. gotta post consistently for the algorhythm, right? right. And it'll give me something to focus on that isn't my mom or my situation.
Subarashii
this laptop doesn't like / doesn't have the space for fancy editing programs, so my videos will have to continue to be online edited with a vastly pared down system, but...
Subarashii
gotta start somewhere. and if I do this for me, to vent, to feel like I'm doing something constructive...to learn how to do these things, then it could lead to more things in the future, maybe. or just be a hobby.
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I'll be screaming into the digitial void, but I feel like sometimes that's all you need.
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and right now, anything is better than nothing.
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somehow, I feel guilty for being proud of me literally venting into a microphone, but I've wanted to do a video for so long and I just never did because I was too scared and overwhelmed, and...
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I did it. I actually, really did it.
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And it was so much easier than I thought it was going to be.
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all it took was hitting despair but BOY HOWDY I fucking did it
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I think once I nap...I'll get back on discord, too. Talk to people again, because right now that's all I have.
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I am sorry for vanishing like I did, but I need to...stop blaming myself for the past.
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I fell into a depression pit without realizing it, because it just...became my new normal, if that makes sense.
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like. through all of this and right now, I'm...realizing it wasn't NORMAL to just suddenly stop talking to everyone or lose the desire to communicate with people and just mindlessly watch or read things while being motionless in bed
Snow🌹Dream
Subarashii
It's funny but during my intake, the lady who was with me went
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'you could have kept putting this off until you were genuinely homeless, not just waiting to see what happened with your mom. You have insight about your condition, [Eski]'
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and I just....yeah. I could have. I really, really could have.
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and even right now, though I feel the worst I've ever been...at least I don't feel like a failure in a few aspects because I was able to actually make a video and upload it and reach out for help before I was on the street
Subarashii
it feels weird being somewhat hopeful during all of this. like it's wrong somehow.
Alice
it's not wrong. you're doing the best you can in a tough circumstance and that is something to be proud of. I'm glad you got your intake done and you're seeing a caseworker on Friday.
Subarashii
I MANAGED TO EAT A BOWL OF SOUP
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I feel a little sick but
Alice
hey, still you ate something. that's a good thing
TC
This is better than nothing
Subarashii
I took the peanut butter crackers and fruit gummies I got for mom and grabbed the powdered gatorade
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since...even if things go fine, mom will be recovering for a while
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and I am...actually starting to feel sleepy now. Just a bowl of warm soup caused this
Subarashii
wanna finish this cracker packet forst....but sleepy now
Alice
make sure you get some rest when you can, you matter, too, here
Echo
I'm sorry that you're going through this, and I'm proud of you for how you're handling it.
ꜰᴀᴅᴇᴛᴏʙʟᴀᴄᴋ
You don't have to be perfect, just be sure you do it.