my initial reaction to that whisper was hurt. it felt like he was pushing me away. i felt him do it many times before when he's fighting against falling in love. it is toxic & hurtful. but in time after stepping on the brakes, we'd go back to being just friends, no expectations.
now, how about that rage thing?

i wish i could say i'd accept it. if i wasn't going on break that's what i'd say. i guess my background allows me to understand him. i grew up in a toxic environment, and i learned from it that the angriest people there are the ones needing to be loved the most. and i'm willing to do that.

i know i deserve a non-toxic relationship, one where i get to be loved and made to feel secure, and heal. but i am not sure i'll thrive in one because i'd always ask myself if i was dreaming or if i deserve all that and feel so insecure it will all vanish in one snap.

whereas i have thrived in a toxic relationship with my family. that is the love and commitment i know. we stay, and choose one another no matter the hurt.
but since i'm taking a break, and considering seeking pro help for my depression.. i cant say for sure. i dont want to promise anything. things will depend on what realizations

i'd have while on break. will my heart accept what my mind says? or will my heart grow fonder of him while being apart?

so i'm taking that whisper as a question, can i do it? will i accept it? i am not without my own flaws either. many times i've told myself i dont fit in your class. i'm fat & ugly, i'm a failure. i have low EQ. i have many issues too that make me think i'd be a burden in a relationship, undeserving to be loved.

i even thought he was just staying because he pities me because of my depression.
as i am to take my break, i am not going to commit anything. i want him to be free to go love someone in case someone comes along, and be loved the way he needs to be loved.

i've said it before, i love him in my own way. so why walk away? because i love him with my broken pieces now, but part of the goal of leaving is to come back later and love him with my whole heart OR not at all. that is what i need to figure out.