[self-esteem.]

Been spending the last two weeks feeling sorry for myself because I can't stop practicing what my therapist calls "distorted thinking." The sky is blue, bears shit in the woods, and Biz is stupid in a way that prompts second-hand embarrassment and shame. What a cruel thing to have running in the back of my head while I'm sincerely trying my best with things.

I've been making headway in personal projects, but the idea of sharing any of it with someone who is Smart and has Good Taste leaves a sour cramp in my stomach. Like. A five year old holding up a coloring page for your approval.

I found out a few weeks back that some folks had called my hand-drawn icons for my oc "fugly," so. That was a hard couple of days. I'd been proud of them, too.

I ALSO LOVE YOUR OC ART? they are clear and expressive and cute

WHAT THE FUCK YOUR OC ICONS ARE GREAT?

your drawings are great and people are fucking rude

big ol glass of mind their own fuckin business

my dude I thought your oc icons were like "this is doujinshi art I'm using as my PB"

But they cute

Thank you. I'd almost deleted the journal, I was so embarrassed.

what a bunch of twats

In fairness to them, they probably thought I'd never see the criticism. A few months back, someone anonymously PM'd me some saved chat logs (that I didn't read) and then messaged me again back in May with specific deets (that I didn't want).

wtf

YEAH. Yeah, it was weird. Different people have been sending me messages about folks in RP since December. I want absolute zero to do with whatever someone is trying to make go down and stopped responding after the first.

But boy does the mystery feed into my lifelong paranoia that I'm just a big stupid dumb poop head, and everyone knows it, but they're too nice to sit me down and burden me with the knowledge that I'm a wet fart of a person.

I should get me one of those buttons that you can record messages on. Slap it every time I have a distorted thought and it'll shout STOP BEING MEAN TO YOURSELF. YOU ARE A DELIGHT.

WHO HAS THE TIME TO STIR SHIT ON ANON THIS PERSISTENTLY

why..... would someone send you that stuff

unless it's like a 'do you need protection' sitch

Haven't read any of their reasoning, don't know if they even provided any. The best case scenario of reading any of it is still terrible for me, so. 🫠

anyway, anything that I do release will be under another name. and then I'll never need to worry about people who know me, for better or worse, cracking it open and exposing my vulnerability. that's healthy, right?

can't blame you for that

i think you're making very good decisions by not engaging or taking the bait, so that IS growth as a person. you've thought out the consequences and made the best choice for yourself

bro what

God like. If someone is actively talking shit about someone else behind their back 1) unless you are super close and trusted friends just defend them and don’t say shit??? And 2) if youare close and trusted enough then don’t repeat the shit oh my god???

Don't know what their goal was other than presumably "make Biz smad." Cool, cool. Crawled into a hole about it for a few days and ate two cakes. Don't know what else they expected me to do about it.