i use 👽 as opposed to a word like neurodivergent cuz the latter sounds too clinical and frankly i don't have the money or desire to be tested for anything. there are too many things this could be and too many variations in everyone's presentation of X diagnosis for it to matter too much anyway. i'm just me.
but at the same time, it's hard to ignore the correlations and i do often feel like it takes "specific sorts of people" to understand me/for me to understand them? and it just so happens that very often those people are neurodivergent, or have c-ptsd, or sometimes are simply just other minorities, or outcasts, or people with an enjoyment for pedantry.
for organization's sake (and self-indulgence) i'll like... idk separate new topics/thought trains with an emoji? ❓ or 🚽 or 💡 or ☁️ or w/e else i'm drawn to.
🌨 yells i know what to do to make things not awkward and liven up a situation but i simply. don't wanna have a conversation bc i'm not actually all that interested. (+ i dont want ppl to expect it) but i feel so bad when other ppl are obviously trying akfhcildnwbfksn
sorry it's not you it's me. don't worry about it you're doing great! i'm just a bastard 🤧
i think what makes it suck more is that i prolly come off as relatively chipper/friendly/polite when i do engage so when i don't bother speaking people just assume i'm shy and nervous LOL. so i have to be careful about the signals i'm sending.
need to exude less uwu shy introvert and more aloof selfish asshole
🌱 it's been A Process settling into being a person rather than an observer. this isn't about having opinions per se but more about unearthing previously ignored natural processes and functions. actually taking myself and my instinctual concerns seriously instead of dismissing them to the point that i forget "i," a beng capable of action and impact, exists
i'm a content person but there is a lot i'm dissatisfied with. not only is there work to be done in figuring out what i can genuinely let go vs. what i can+want to take action on, there's work to be done even figuring out how to figure that out, in a way that actually works for me and yields accurate insights
🌨 - - - - - - - - allowing myself access to warmth, even just warmth from myself, while things go south has been rough... being patient, making sure to carve out ample patience for myself even if the people around me do not, being unapologetic for this, not letting the worries of others sway me... i wonder if it's too much to weather
actually, no, that's not too much to weather, i do like being kind to myself. it's trying to be kind while stressing about appearing normal that gets me. my brain hurts trying to calculate the next, most normal course of action, the one where no one can point out something weird or irrational in my behavior.
kindness or normalcy, one of these things has to give, right now i don't have the strength or experience to juggle both. i reckon that being self-assured will come with unwavering time
🌨 - - - - - - - - woaa.. the person talking about drawing, i understand... it makes me feel a bit better... i've been frustrated about my art block the past few months to the point of putting off other things that would be better to focus on, but it's hard to convey why my dumb drawings are so important to me
"i don't have the money or desire to be tested for anything" words of a liar not even halfway through the video i had to pause and i went over and shot an email to an autism assessment service in my area. closes eyes. OK FINE. I ADMIT A FORMAL DIAGNOSIS OR AT LEAST ADDRESSING THE ISSUE WOULD BE HELPFUL. FINE...!!
☁️ - - - - - - - - just came to the realization that i can easily determine my high vs. low moods based on my current intensity of love for rowlet. if it's low/not present then it's slipping into a low mood or depressive episode. incredible. im so smart
and if i am denying myself access to rowlet then it's a bad sign.... like, self-harming level. tbh those are very hard to avoid so i must be careful... ive yet to fully figure out how to navigate those situations but for now i'm thinking there's an element of physical repulsion as well and music would be the best bet for soothing/venting
☁️ - - - - - - - - yanno despite a lot of signs pointing to ASD i still struggle to accept it cuz it still feels so vague. like i study and observe what it means to be ASD and im like, "isn't this just the norm? does it really need to be pathologized" and thats not to say autistics and neurotypicals are the same. what i mean is--
isn't there always going to be variations physically and mentally between people? even among "neurotypicals" there's variation and difference. that's why conflict and misunderstandings are inevitable and neverending. wtf is the point in molding everyone to think and behave the same. how is that how the world works.
without a doubt it would be convenient and efficient if people were more similar than different, and it's nice to think that there are things that're universal tying us all together as a species, objective traits that make us "human" and differentiate us from other animals, but where does such a belief stem from? what's so important about it?
additionally, what's so important about it that it has to shape our medical systems, our governments, the way we structure society, etc. ? yes it seems to work out OK for the "majority" of people, but so what? what's stopping us as a society from properly accomodating people who fall outside the norms and bell curves? inconvenience, lack of caring, laziness?
anyway i think we're reaching a point (have reached already?) in society where we're affording to diversify. i really do think that it's more important than ever to be honest about our differences and expectations, just to keep up with how many different ways to live there is now... idk. i want to think it's possible
AND THAT, CONCLUDES MY RANT ON WHY I THINK IT'S DUMB AF THAT PPL KEEP REHASHING OLD SHIT AND MAKING CLONES OF POPULAR THINGS AND TRYING TO REPLICATE FORMULAS THAT FOUND SUCCESS IN THE PAST JUST TO MAKE A QUICK BUCK.
seriously people pls. be creative and be yourselves it's so much better than throwing more kindling into the media oversaturation crisis
☁️ - - - - - - - - ooOoOOoOoOo dangerous idea but hey it's my life. i can have opinions about my own life. ngl i feel like the main reason i am still on meds and pursuing meds is bc i am not yet fully ready to divorce myself from neurotypicality. there are things i'm not ready to give up yet, stuff i want that's not actually entirely realistic for me to have
like, with meds, my choices and options open up a bit more, but that's really just cuz the environment/society im in is not made for me, and i gotta bend and shapeshift quite a bit to be able to pass through the filters, but even then my body and mind resist it
the way i see it, were i to give up meds, i have 3 options: 1. find somewhere else where i can actually fit ----> rarity and distance makes this difficult 2. make my own space ---> requires lots of assurance and independence 3. make room for myself here ---> ...the self-advocate route entailing cooperation with the very people who deny and shame me, gl
hm.... i suppose... all my life i've been trying to do 2 whilst gathering proof/signs that 3 was even possible, and whenever i got unbearably lonely i'd go down the 1 route by going deepdiving online.
i imagine it'd be easier if i concentrated efforts on one route instead of spinning the wheel constantly but i'm indecisive and greedy
☁️ - - - - - - - - in terms of being a person and coping i think i am doing mmmmarginally better? HOWEVER allowing myself to feel more things kinda SUCKS ASS and also is turning me into the type of person i used to think was super annoying/pitiful 😭😭😭 so, constant smashing down and rebuilding of self esteem lately lol.
learning to love the people i used to hate? reworking my values and witnessing my own irrational selfishness in real time? crazy concepts. also crazy uncomfortable ewwww
it's so weird. my moods go from like. being in the depths of hell (edgy) and after remembering to reason it out it all goes away and im fine again. but it will come back and i'll have to have the same conversations with myself again and now i just wonder when/if it'll stop... how long it'll be.. (@ future me: revisit this thought)
☁️ - - - - - - - - "i'm grown now. i no longer get flummoxed over people doing things" someone: talks to me "what... why..... wtf is this person doing........"
i joke lol but one thing that easily gets me going ????? is strangers introducing themselves to me and trading names when we will never see each other again (could also be a cultural thing) (all i know is filos do this more) (tbf theres lots of possible reasons for this but i dont care about any of them personally so i just dont get it)
☁️ - - - - - - - - i got done with a telehealth eval and the result is i am autistic with mild adhd inattentive (pretends to be shocked) wooooooooow.
im more interested now in wtf to do with this info. for mental health i should try to reduce masking but ngl i also get very upset upsetting other ppl or not "fitting in" so it's... a balance
🌱 lying awake wondering about this again as years of being gaslit in various ways and impostor syndrome is making me catalogue a list in my head of why my diagnoses are invalid... which is certainly still a possibility, considering some some factors. a 2nd eval may be needed...
or not. i got useful resources. a label is a label is a societal categorization for govt and communal considerations/supports, beyond that it will never tell the full story or capture specific nuances in individual lives, nor reliably predict the trajectory of the future.
in the end, the focus of my excessive neurotic worrying is the unknown
a more accurate description of my present disposition: i watch the seconds of a clock tick down but instead of registering the passing of time, i am enthralled by the steady movement of the clock hands. i could watch it forever, because forever exists, it just changes. (ok im just playing with words now and being impressionistic on purpose lol)
tbh i think ive lost all hope of anyone taking my struggles seriously (not their fault, i have no idea how to even begin to explain/communicate my problems.. also somehow cursed to give people the impression that i'm.? very functional and independent? LOLLL) (tbf im insanely prideful)
so i guess i just gotta do it myself (as i should anyway)
it's an incredibly frustrating experience... when people really want your opinion/explanations on something but you can't give it.... and it's the worst when they use assumption to fill in the blanks and it's totally wrong but u can't correct them
maybe this all contributes to how i make choices and why some of them are restrictive. as in, if i know i can't explain something properly then i cannot do it.
...which also explains why i'm looking for explanations constantly luh mah oh.
but tbf... this is more a coping mechanism than a natural behavior (i do this only bc i gotta talk to ppl)
i really dig the way mcwilliams talks about People. like. i never see that in action. i desperately need to see more people talking about people like people
misc life/self observations thatre likely uninteresting and spammy, possible [vent] as well
aka 👽 rambling containment thread
❓ or 🚽 or 💡 or ☁️ or w/e else i'm drawn to.
it's not that i dislike being included in things but...
yells i know what to do to make things not awkward and liven up a situation but i simply. don't wanna have a conversation bc i'm not actually all that interested. (+ i dont want ppl to expect it) but i feel so bad when other ppl are obviously trying akfhcildnwbfksn
sorry it's not you it's me. don't worry about it you're doing great! i'm just a bastard 🤧
need to exude less uwu shy introvert and more aloof selfish asshole
it's been A Process settling into being a person rather than an observer. this isn't about having opinions per se but more about unearthing previously ignored natural processes and functions. actually taking myself and my instinctual concerns seriously instead of dismissing them to the point that i forget "i," a beng capable of action and impact, exists
allowing myself access to warmth, even just warmth from myself, while things go south has been rough... being patient, making sure to carve out ample patience for myself even if the people around me do not, being unapologetic for this, not letting the worries of others sway me... i wonder if it's too much to weather
i reckon that being self-assured will come with unwavering time
woaa..
the person talking about drawing, i understand... it makes me feel a bit better... i've been frustrated about my art block the past few months to the point of putting off other things that would be better to focus on, but it's hard to convey why my dumb drawings are so important to me
just came to the realization that i can easily determine my high vs. low moods based on my current intensity of love for rowlet. if it's low/not present then it's slipping into a low mood or depressive episode. incredible. im so smart
yanno despite a lot of signs pointing to ASD i still struggle to accept it cuz it still feels so vague. like i study and observe what it means to be ASD and im like, "isn't this just the norm? does it really need to be pathologized" and thats not to say autistics and neurotypicals are the same. what i mean is--
yes it seems to work out OK for the "majority" of people, but so what? what's stopping us as a society from properly accomodating people who fall outside the norms and bell curves? inconvenience, lack of caring, laziness?
anyway i think we're reaching a point (have reached already?) in society where we're affording to diversify. i really do think that it's more important than ever to be honest about our differences and expectations, just to keep up with how many different ways to live there is now... idk. i want to think it's possible
seriously people pls. be creative and be yourselves it's so much better than throwing more kindling into the media oversaturation crisis
this video had me pausing often to digest info/take notes aka it's a good video
ooOoOOoOoOo dangerous idea but hey it's my life. i can have opinions about my own life.
ngl i feel like the main reason i am still on meds and pursuing meds is bc i am not yet fully ready to divorce myself from neurotypicality. there are things i'm not ready to give up yet, stuff i want that's not actually entirely realistic for me to have
1. find somewhere else where i can actually fit
----> rarity and distance makes this difficult
2. make my own space
---> requires lots of assurance and independence
3. make room for myself here
---> ...the self-advocate route entailing cooperation with the very people who deny and shame me, gl
i imagine it'd be easier if i concentrated efforts on one route instead of spinning the wheel constantly but i'm indecisive and greedy
in terms of being a person and coping i think i am doing mmmmarginally better? HOWEVER allowing myself to feel more things kinda SUCKS ASS and also is turning me into the type of person i used to think was super annoying/pitiful 😭😭😭 so, constant smashing down and rebuilding of self esteem lately lol.
"i'm grown now. i no longer get flummoxed over people doing things"
someone: talks to me
"what... why..... wtf is this person doing........"
i got done with a telehealth eval and the result is i am autistic with mild adhd inattentive (pretends to be shocked) wooooooooow.
im more interested now in wtf to do with this info. for mental health i should try to reduce masking but ngl i also get very upset upsetting other ppl or not "fitting in" so it's... a balance
lying awake wondering about this again as years of being gaslit in various ways and impostor syndrome is making me catalogue a list in my head of why my diagnoses are invalid... which is certainly still a possibility, considering some some factors. a 2nd eval may be needed...
in the end, the focus of my excessive neurotic worrying is the unknown
(ok im just playing with words now and being impressionistic on purpose lol)
this helps a lot actually it's a very good article that makes a lot of sense
so i guess i just gotta do it myself (as i should anyway)
...which also explains why i'm looking for explanations constantly luh mah oh.
but tbf... this is more a coping mechanism than a natural behavior (i do this only bc i gotta talk to ppl)
GOOD INTERVIEW... TOO MUCH... WAS RELATABLE LOL
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ME LOL