[mh] it's (not)hilarious how every time I find a psychological condition that perfectly describes me it just happens to be linked to the ADHD that my parents refused to acknowledge or treat me for in my formative years. And every time I find out about one of these, I get increasingly resentful of my parents. COOL.

today's layer on the ADHD tart is potentially Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

which: this is obvious self-diagnosis because the American Medical System is garbage and this is what us peasants without insurance are resorting to

symptoms:
- It’s very easy for them to feel embarrassed or self-conscious.
- They show signs of low self-esteem and trouble believing in themselves.

you should look up catieosaurus on tiktok, she does a lot of good videos on stuff with ADHD

- Instead of losing control of their emotions outwardly, some people with RSD may turn their feelings inward. This can look like a snap onset of severe depression, and sometimes, it’s mistaken for sudden emotional shifts that can happen with bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder.

- They’re often “people pleasers” and become intensely focused on avoiding the disapproval of others.
- They may avoid starting projects, tasks or goals where there’s a chance of failure.

- They compensate for their fear of failure or rejection by going all-out or striving for perfectionism. However, the downside of this is that they often experience intense anxiety and may not easily make self-care or downtime a priority.

guess who fits all of those fucking categories

Stab or swallow Coping methods aren't... super helpful in this case

oh it's not really voping methods, more just information on things that go along with it

when in the last few years I've been increasingly aware of how not being treated as a child has crippled my development, my confidence, and my ability to actually have any strength in any kind of project I want to do

Stab or swallow the problem is that without the money to actually see a doctor about this stuff, I can't actually... get treated for it

so watching stuff like that will.. probably only just increase anxiety about it... which I really don't need.

nodnod

I'm just... so fucking angry but there's nothing I can do about it because I'd need time travel to fix it

my parents didn't want to admit they had a broken child so they just fucking ignored all of the very obvious signs of my very obvious adhd

though I guess in their defense, the research wasn't out at that point that really said what sort of things ADHD affected in adult life

but knowing the sorts of things I've wanted to do my entire life, but have had too much fear and anxiety to do, and now knowing that those things were linked to shit that teachers were attributing to me as young as 9 years old and were ignored?? I'm angry!!

Who would I be had I been properly medicated at a young age??? What would I have accomplished??

Every year I say, "This is the year I'm gonna make [X Portfolio]!" and.. because of fear of rejection, fear of "not doing it right", I balk and just... don't

it's been that way for at least 20 years... I'm tired of it but... what the hell do I do to fix it? When your own brain says "no" it's hard to get past that, especially when all the things you wanna do have been done and overdone... so what's the point?

how many others have been in my position? How many others have looked at people they admire and say, "I wanna do that but, if I can't be as good as them, then why bother?"

I just... I can't help but feel deeply resentful of my parents right now for not even trying to fix me... It was like someone told them I have 50 lb weights on my ankles, but because I was in a bog, they couldn't see them, so they just figured I'd get through it like everyone else.

ugh. I'm whining too much. I've just...never had it boil over this hard. I'm angry and I'm sad. And I'm fucking almost 35 and broke so what the fuck do I even do with myself from here