did some kamui navel gazing on my walk this afternoon cause... his arc compels me so... (cw abuse)

im especially having to puzzle stuff out because all of the plot stuff in jgk is making me have to address his feelings around factions and fighting and it's essentially just this tag to majima: his entire life has been spent 100% on the rails until maybe like. the last few months? what span of time did tsa take?

and his formative years (ages 2-6 iirc) were all just.... empty & devoid of warmth & emotionally scarring to the point he has compartmentalized it away entirely

it's really sad!!! he's a polite professional adult who is very good at doing his job but on the inside he's a kid who had a traumatic and abusive upbringing and just got told, well you've got shit to do so get over it and never process any of this

so when he met travis who was like "hey you're allowed to be upset" he was like ???!!!? and now that he's in jgk where people are actually trying to talk to him like a person instead of reacting to him as The Big MacGuffin Character he's even more like ?!??!??!?! because he literally doesn't know what to do with this or how to be normal lmfao

his perspective on the world is so weird and screwed up. he can be so naive interpersonally but he's experienced so much weird metaphysical shit / died so many times he also just doesnt think very much of death or killing anymore, it is the world he's embedded in, which is another thing he hasnt properly processed

and ultimately i dont think he will ever have true loyalty to the shuten clan or to toraguma, so much as his loyalty is going to lie with people who prove to him that they aren't going to betray him. like everyone he worked with in the HCU was capable of killing him and has done so in at least one timeline

like, the whole character arc of... overcoming that you were taken advantage of you when you were small and vulnerable, that you're tossed around by political forces you cannot control... and making what you can of yourself in a world that doesn't care about you, along with people who DO care... poetic. beautiful. but he has to fight for it