[RL/Mute]

I think I finally realized why I have such a hard time working with and trusting my mom.

I respect her a lot. she's made a lot of hard choices in her life and I don't doubt for a second that she's always trying her best for my siblings and I

but she criticizes every choice I make. every last one.

I don't want to talk to her or work with her for anything because it feels like every choice I make is wrong and I'm sick of it

the worst part of it is I know she means well. All she wants is for me to get my feet under me. it's why I can't say I get exhausted just talking to her. that I'm sick of being criticized over literally any choice I make. I don't want to sound ungrateful

I think this is why it's easier to work with my sister. my sister only criticises when asked, and that's a huge difference

I’m not entirely sure how “nothing you do is correct ever” is meaning well...

that's how it feels, I managed to express that in a phone call woth her just now. she's trying to help me watch my money but the thing is I've cut out nearly any spending that I don't absolutely HAVE to do

and it's her jumping to conclusions because she's worried about job security and me keeping my head above water financially

a large part of this is that I've been trying to get out of my current job for years. it's stressed me out to the point where my depression has become almost completely debilitating and is the main contributer to completely undoing any weight loss I had managed to accomplish prior

and I am wondering if it's just how my brain is processing her trying to help. she criticized my interest in possibly becoming a cook in a restaurant for example, but also because she knows I've mentioned being in significant pain after being on my feet at my current job for eight hours. and she doesn't fully grasp just how bad sensory overload from my

current work environment gets for me, and it's difficult to explain without using some rather disturbing comparisons

she wants me to be financially independent like my siblings. I want that too. I also feel like she's overbearing at this point but it's hard because I can see why

I guess I feel like a giant disappointment at this point. both of my siblings have their shit together

I'm just tired at this point. I want a job I can do full time. one where I don't have to take a pain killer before work just to tolerate it

I'm trying to get into customer support roles because while it means I'd have to deal with the occasional Karen I LIKE helping people solve their problems. And I've been in customer service long enough that I know it's something I'm good at

I guess a large part of this is that I've been job hunting for years with no results and I'm so tired

and now I'm trying not to throw up at work. Questionable how well that's going. Might be sick

unsure if stress is catching up with me or if it's possibly food poisoning

okay, last night for sure it was just stress causing my stomach to act up, and it sucks because that means I still have to go work today =/