[ED. no not the one with penises.] Specific numbers are being mentioned.

I love helping to mod the big eating disorder discord server but the downside to being The Grown Up is that I am grossly uncomfortable sharing my own problems with young kids.

1. I don't want to burden children with adult problems. 2. I don't want the kids to realize that disordered eating doesn't ever actually go away. 3. Leaning on a fourteen year old girl from Michigan for emotional support is irresponsible and weird.

But anyway. Anyway.

The pandemic saw me move from recovery weight (140lb) to probably 180lb. I've requested to never be told my weight by medical staff and they've followed this to a T, but I did see the "176" beneath the sharpie one used to cross it out.

And like. I can't lie. It makes me feel like a failure. If I can't be smart or able-bodied, at least make me pretty. And it's so, so fucked up that I see plenty of people shaped just like me and I'm like! Damn! You are gorgeous!

But my own body still can't look like anything but some big moldy pockmarked grapefruit.

It's one hundred percent some mental block. I'd love to see a therapist specifically for body dysmorphia but I'm terrified of any in-person groups because I'm worried they'll see me and think I'm some gross imposter.

(They would not think that. They would look at me and think "there's someone with all the fears that I have but she's still finding the discipline to eat and recover! Why can't I be like that?" because EDs make you feel like you're the only freak in the room.)

I feel like a monster for hating my body because what if everyone starts to think I hate their bodies, too? That I'm a fatphobic bitch who has the audacity to complain about financial insecurity while the government pays for her vegan meatballs that she still stuffs in her face even as she complains!! About being bigger!!!

AHHH I HATE MENTAL ILLNESS

kneads on gently

biz i know this probably won't fight the mh hell but let it be known every time i have seen a pic of you i've been like oh fuck i am reminded biz is gorgeous

this is.... such a mood. i don't have any advice because i struggle with pretty much exactly this regarding my weight and body shape. you are not alone.

for the record i don't think you're a bitch who hates me or my fat ass. i think you're a cool person

dysmorphia!!! SUCKS!!!!!!

i dont think youre fatphobic. you are always so clear and so kind in your language, and you do always say things like how you find other people your size and/or bigger attractive. i have never thought you had any of the -phobias or -isms around body weight. you are so clear and so supportive of others always.

you have a mental block and you recognize that

i am so sorry you do have it and i am so sorry youre going through this and have had to live with this for so much of your life

also, echoing holy shit i think youre pretty

you deserve help. i hope you can get yourself into therapy.