I'm so stupid...

Why can't I be better at reaching out to people...?

I just... Why can't I put aside feelings of loneliness and just push myself to be happy for people instead of this stupid self-conscious jealousy?

I want to be happy for my friends... I want to be supportive... I don't want to be like this

I hate this feeling like maybe my friends don't want to talk to me or hang out with me anymore because there's something wrong with me

I hate feeling like I'm slowly losing my friends and they don't want to reach out to me when I'm sure that's not the case

I hardly get to talk to and hang out with 2 of my best friends anymore because they never get on anymore and I'm so bad at thinking of interesting things to say to try to start conversations with them on discord to be like... Hey I'm still here....

But then I see clips go up from one friend of "hanging out with x" and I'm just... Oh... Okay... I'll... Be here by myself... On a party on ps4 that no one joins....

Maybe I do chase people away... Idk. I don't know what I'm doing and I want to... I want to know if it's something im doing pushing people away but every time I ask I get "it's not you. You're not doing anything wrong...."

So why does it still feel like I am then?

Am I just stupid?

Part of me wants to be defeatist and just give up and let go... But I'm tired of letting go when maybe I need to fight harder to save friendships...

I see them having fun together yet and I'm just... I barely see them anymore....

I get it... We've all been busy but this feels like more than just "sorry, I haven't been able to get on recently" because obviously there were on

They just didn't want to talk to me I guess...

I keep telling myself that maybe I'm just not giving enough effort or there's something more I could do...

It's not pushing someone away for people to drift apart. No one will know how you feel unless you tell them. If they are your good friends, then just tell them you miss them and want to do something together. Don't put blame on anyone and go from there.

Just fucking tell me if I've done something wrong instead of saying everything is fine if it isn't... I want to try to help make things better if it is on my end

It just feels like a lot of people have drifted away like this and feels more like a pattern... Like maybe it's something I've done to do it...

On occasion they'll be like "oh she's on, let's hop over to talk with her" but it feels more like they feel obligated to over wanting to... Idk if that makes sense or not...

When you haven't talked for a while do you usually wait to make contact until you think of Something Cool And Interesting to start the conversation? I used to do that all the time and when I finally talked to one of those people I found out they thought I didn't wan to talk because I never bothered to poke them just to say Hi.

Its probably just my mind messing with me

So me never initiating except rarely made them think I didn't want them to talk or I was just Really Busy

No I've tried... The problem is I'm just... Overall bad about trying to actually keep in touch all of the time and sometimes I feel like maybe I'm bothering them... Or they aren't interested

If it is affecting you think much, the only thing to do to help this is to just directly go to your friends and ask. "Hey how are you doing? I feel like we're drifting apart this past crazy year but would like to do more together. Are you interested?"

*this much

Ik I've tried asking one fo them a few times if I've done anything wrong because I wanted to make sure things were good but she said that everything was fine and she's just been busy (which is fine)

But then I see the two of them hang out a lot from videos or tweets that were put up and I just... Wonder

Ik she has been busy but bad brain kicks in

beating back bad brain is a rough thing to work through yeah

This sort of thing is always hard '-'! And it's harder right now with lockdowns and everything being wild as it is.

Sometimes people do drift through no fault of either party, but right now, especially, it's good to remember to be gentle with yourself as well.

This is always hard, specially when they were really close

I hope you can feel better