we’re legends
So I'm watching this horror movie from 2017 in which teenagers are inexplicably serving detention in an abandoned jail, and there's this one kid who wipes a table down with hand sanitizer which were are clearly meant to think is super loser-y of him but sure hits different now.
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Honestly, I wouldn't have thought less of him watching this a year ago, either. We don't know when that surface last got washed! Sanitize that shit!
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This kid is also openly Christian, which is obvs meant as another sign of loserdom, but they're also dumping this on a Black character? Which, uh, makes the invitation to the audience to judge and mock him feel uncomfy?
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He may also be gay, unless that was another character slinging a pejorative at him, hard to tell. I'm like seven minutes in and there have been about five lines of dialogue. Anyway he's definitely gonna die first.
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It's Deadly Detention on Netflix, in case anyone finds my sales pitch compelling.
cacopheny
that movie name makes me think of the dead dove do not eat meme. you get exactly what's on the tin. god
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Okay, it's Saturday detention, and the school is being fumigated so that's why the location change, bc god forbid you put ~Saturday detention~ off for a week, right? But at least they bothered having a reason for it; I am not getting the sense that this movie was written with care and attention. Or any kind of skill.
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Not sure yet if I'm gonna stick it out.
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The concept of detention, especially Saturday detention, is so wild to me as an adult. That was really a big deal, wasn't it? I had plenty of detentions for not doing homework, but I always got my shit together before it could become Saturday detention. That was for the bad kids.
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But now I'm like, what were they gonna do if I didn't show up? Fire me and put me at risk of going hungry or losing my home? What were the stakes? Why did I bother? I mean I know why, I'm not taking shots at kids for following the rules, but it's such a stupid and empty system.
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It also occurs to me writing this that most of my detentions were probably a result of behaviors stemming from my undiagnosed ADHD and I probably would have had fewer of them if I hadn't had to become severely depressed before anyone realized anything was wrong, but ANYWAY!
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cacopheny
: sorry, didn’t see your comment! Yeah, it’s definitely one of those titles where you go on to read the summary and realize you just wasted five seconds of your life.
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loooooooool they just spent seven years setting this one girl up as The Slut, had her find a decidedly phallic crystal statuette, and now they're trying to convince us her immediate response is to play lightsaber with it. Sure, Jan. Too bad, it would be endearing in a better movie.
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omg they're trying to turn the principal into a sexually frustrated middle-aged female version of the Breakfast Club principal, but they suck at it she definitely just threatened to sexually assault a student. Kids, this is where you rebel and steal your phones back so you can call your parents and get the fuck out of there.
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Twenty minutes in, I hate all the characters who have gotten more than two lines of dialogue, and nobody's dead yet.
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I should've liveplurked the movie I watched last night, an actual enjoyable horror movie called The Babysitter. It was funny and had Samara Weaving and I'm pretty sure someone was bleeding or going to start to bleed soon by now!
cacopheny
I mean The Covenant was more fun than this seems to be, and people love making fun of that
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HA within a MINUTE after I hit play again the principal died. Pretty much offscreen, and there isn't even enough budget to show the blood leaking under the door that the students are clearly reacting to, but we do have a body count.
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And the movie has just informed us that the box where their cellphones were is empty again solely by the actors' reactions. Not like, dialogue or even showing us the empty inside of the box, but reactions. I have absolutely no sense whatsoever for what qualifies as good movie directing, but I do have the strong feeling that this is not it.
cacopheny
wow no that is not good directing
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Like if there was no budget for the blood then fine, there was at least dialogue vaguely hinting at its presence. But there was a budget for the box. I can tell bc it's RIGHT THERE.
cacopheny
and they clearly showed the cell phones being taken away, so those were in the budget
cacopheny
unless they
cacopheny
they're trying to be clever and like. these things aren't REALLY happening, the kids are hallucinating...?
cacopheny
but it's probably just not-even-B-movie directing
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They sort of showed the trail of blood from the principal's body getting dragged away, so idk? And my sort of I mean they filmed parallel to the floor while the kids talked about there being blood, and you could see there was something but couldn't tell what?
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Anyway turns out it was a prison for the criminally ~insane~, thank goodness, I was wondering where my shitty horror movie ableism was.
cacopheny
/snerks
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I actually was a bit surprised at the beginning that it was apparently just a regular prison.
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Anyway there was a prisoner left behind when it closed blah blah it might be haunted but I bet the bus driver/officer we haven't seen since the beginning turns out to have been that prisoner and is taking his final revenge.
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Gonna hold out hope for your hallucination theory, though, that would be much more interesting.
cacopheny
hell the bus driver even seems too clever for this movie so far
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It's abandoned! There could be hallucinatory fungus in the walls!
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Heh. They either don't have the budget for a ghost or they've saved it all for some really hilariously awful ghost SFX at the end, so who knows!
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Hmm. The last prisoner was apparently a woman. Now I'm hoping for a ghost bc there is no way it can be the driver without that very special flavor of transphobia that only a cheap horror movie plot twist can provide.
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The kids think it's the principal, which is a reasonable guess with the information they have, but what they don't know is that there's an hour to go.
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THe Christian kid is the only character left I even like at this point, so he gets his name, which is Kevin. He is clinging to his Bible (which, by the way, he hand-decorated with little plastic gems; again, supposed to be loser-y, but actually adorable) like a lifeline, understandably so, and also I am mildly jealous of his light-up sneakers.
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He's the only one who hasn't been a dick or otherwise annoying and I am sure when he is inevitably slaughtered he will go directly to heaven.
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It is not the principal, nor has the actress been in any way made up to look dead. I mean, okay, she's fresh, but come on, it's a horror movie, there should be a wound or something indicating she didn't just decide to try out extreme BDSM suspension.
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and then take a nap.
cacopheny
pffft
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We see some blood on her hand when one of not-Kevins checks for a pulse, but that's it. Christ, did the producer leave the fake blood at home that day??
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Even Evil Dead managed plenty of blood and they had a negative budget!
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Ooh, a very brief glimpse of either a wound or a blood trickle down the side of her neck. Now I'm scared.
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You know, I think the Jock Girl is supposed to be the protagonist, but it's feeling more and more like they accidentally gave that role to The Slut instead. She's getting more screentime and dialogue and even something resembling character development.
cacopheny
she did get the cute moment with the lightsaber statue
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lol Kevin is in detention for spray painting "Jesus ate my homework" with pink and gold sparkle paint on the gym wall, but he was framed for it. (Also that sounds like a yes on the gay thing.) How do you not look at that and go YEP, I TOTALLY DID THAT, IT WAS ABSOLUTELY ME, I AM DEFINITELY THAT COOL.
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Wait wait WAIT I think one of the kids is trans. She's in detention for punching a kid who called her a tr*nny and also has a gender neutral name (Taylor) and presentation, which does seem to me a lot like an inept movie trying to present a trans character. Huh. Did not see two whole queer characters coming from THIS movie.
cacopheny
I'm surprised the bible decorating and the shoes didn't already give away the gay thing
cacopheny
... also wow that is surprising
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The only previous reference to his sexuality had been The Slut insulting him, so I wasn't sure. And cool sneakers are big in African-American culture, at least with teenagers.
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Given the budget, I wouldn't be surprised if those sneakers belonged to the actor.
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I have no justification for not catching on with the Bible decorating.
cacopheny
okay the bible decorating 
trust me no good Christian boys are putting glitter and plastic gems on their bibles
trust me no good Christian boys are putting glitter and plastic gems on their bibles
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Oh, he's sincere. There was a scene where he read a passage that made me want to die of secondhand embarrassment. So yeah, that really should have been the first giveaway.
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anyway three of five kids confirmed framed, Taylor actually did the thing but was provoked, can't remember if we already know what The Slut did or if she's just generally a detention veteran.
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HALFWAY THROUGH THE MOVIE AND WE FINALLY GET EYES ON THE KILLER
cacopheny
I mean that COULD be good writing in... a good movie. showing your killer too early COULD be a bad thing...
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They've been taunting the kids occasionally over the PA system, it's been boring, they sound female which is probably to lend credence to the Last Prisoner and Principal Did It theories.
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None of the kids is even dead yet! Halfway through!
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I have yet to receive the deadly detention I was promised!
cacopheny
isn't halfway through when people are SUPPOSED to start dying? I dunno the only horror I have really watched that wasn't also something else (usually post-apoc or sci fi) is Cabin in the Woods which is clearly better storytelling than most horror
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I mean, if I went a timed a bunch of movies I have liked I'm sure that would be the case, but it tends to be less noticeable when anything at all is happening in the first half.
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Looks like Taylor is the first to bite it. I say "looks like" because obviously it would cost too much to show a death onscreen. Wait, hm, the budget may not be the (whole) problem here bc I just thought to look at the rating and it's TV-14. Sigh.
cacopheny
why would anyone make a horror film with that rating
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Fucked if I know. For the kids, I guess? The kids who should definitely be watching an authority figure perv over a student's selfies and make a distinctly sexual threat against another?
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Well, Kevin's hurt his ankle, either he's next or it'll be forgotten in five minutes.
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Oh god, please don't let this be the scene where the Black character gives the white (nominal) protagonist an inspirational talk and then gets killed right after.
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Also I appreciate that these kids are scared but they're acting like the killer isn't literally someone in a hoodie with a pointed stick. The plot has split them into two teams of two and I bet they could still take him down.
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Kevin and Jock Girl definitely could.
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. . . but instead Kevin decides to sacrifice himself by luring the killer away from Jock Girl. Sigh. Say hi to Jesus for everyone, Kevin.
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So the two queer kids die first, big surprise, the movie does that shitty thing horror movies have been doing in the last decade or so where instead of killing the Black dude off first, they kill him off second so you can't call them on anything, and we plod forward.
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The Slut speaking truth to Jock Girl: "At least [Kevin] was halfway interesting. As far as I can tell, you're just the champion of whiny and bossy. It's not that I don't care, Jessica. I'm just sorry it wasn't you." The Slut's name is Lexi, which she gets because she is the only interesting character left and definitely the only one even close to having
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like one and a half dimensions.
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The third remaining character I have not mentioned yet bc he is the token white straight dude with absolutely no defining characteristics because it is not necessary that a white straight dude be more than a white straight dude. He might be Jock Girl's boyfriend or she might just be really into him, the writing's too messy to tell.
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He and Lexi took the opportunity to fuck, of course, so I'm mildly surprised they're both still alive. I guess the lure of murdering the Black Gay in a timely fashion was just too strong.
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Why did this movie wait so long to have a decent character scene??? Like I suddenly know things about what drives these kids and what this situation is is teaching them about themselves and what they each think the others' weak spots are!
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I also know that they are all too caught up in their sudden drama to obey the killer's instructions, which is genuinely funny.
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Like it's not award-winning, but now I feel like this movie has actual stakes.
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With twenty minutes to go, seven of which are probably the end credits.
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Straight white dude bites it next and is the first target of actual onscreen violence (face bounced off mirrored glass)! Very exciting.
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That's Lexi and Jock Girl left. We know who I want to make it and we know who the actual Final Girl is gonna be.
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Heh, and now that they are in an awkward but sincere alliance, the writers suddenly know how to write non-annoying character character interactions.
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-character
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I've had more fun with the past five minutes of this movie than the entire runtime preceding it.
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Now they're hunting down the killer and the rating has tragically required Jessica to address him as "chicken snot."
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"This is fun aren't we having fun today ladies I know I sure am" What a weird line reading. Was there no time for another take?
cacopheny
/cracks up
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Also, like a classic fool, I had forgotten the mention in the beginning of a student who had recently died by suicide. I remember now only bc they have stumbled across a shrine plastered with an unknown girl's face. I'm so mad, they made a point of mentioning her name and everything, I am covered in my own hubris.
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IT'S THE BUS DRIVER I STILL WIN
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on a technicality
cacopheny
so wait how was it the bus driver? XD
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I'm still in the middle of the scene where he reveals his evil plan. Which, interestingly, he is doing to Lexi! Jessica appears to have been killed, but I'm waiting for her to turn up at the appropriate moment to save Lexi.
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I have come to rather enjoy Lexi. Her refusal to back down was extremely irritating in the beginning when she was just antagonizing the other kids, but now that she's snarking back at the killer, it's kinda great.
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Also her lipstick color has changed from Slut Red to a more Protag Pink, but I'm not sure if that's deliberate or they lost the sole tube of red lipstick I imagine they had.
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oh also there was a voice filter on the whole PA system somehow don't care
cacopheny
snerk
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Ah, he's the suicided girl's father.
cacopheny
OH HUH
cacopheny
that was unexpected
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HIs speech about how great she was is vaguely concerning and also kind of bad, but the actor is really going for it.
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Ooh, genuinely good twist: Lexi was Jenny's best friend and knew her father was abusing her (I said it was vaguely concerning, but like, I thought that was just the writing!).
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MOTHERFUCKER THE PRINCIPAL IS ALIVE AND JUST SAVED LEXI'S LIFE
cacopheny
holy shit unexpected all around
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Where the fuck was this movie for the first hour and twenty minutes??????
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Lexi, after confirming the principal is not a zombie: "I don't understand. Was this all a joke?" Principal: "No, honey, it wasn't a joke. Assembly's gonna be really depressing on Monday morning." Seriously, did they get new writers for the last twenty minutes?
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Also, I may as well further explain that the lightsaber statuette has proven to be a plot point. It was an award the principal received a while back and that she brought with her because reasons, which is why Lexi initially swiped it. She kept it as a weapon until they found the "body," at which point she left it behind claiming
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it was the only good thing the woman had left anyway.
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Principal used it to knock the killer out.
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I was expecting it to come back, but had assumed it would be used to murder Lexi. Whoooooo apparently was the protagonist all along.
cacopheny
that's unusual!
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Heh, the principal has noted that, since her own murder did not go according to plan, she checked on the rest of the kids ("I checked a couple of pulses") and I guess they're banged up but fine?
cacopheny
... huh
cacopheny
so not only was dear old dad a creep he was also a bad murderer
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Which would have been the ideal outcome of your hallucination theory, so also you get to win too.
cacopheny
which actually is kind of cool because like. killing is not necessarily easy so clearly a newbie to it would fuck up a lot
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I was even wrong about how long the credits would be lol
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In more capable hands, this could have been a good movie! The way it stands, though, all the foreshadowing and meta stuff (like cutting away from the "murders") just looks like bad filmmaking. How frustrating.
broken 🗲 fuse
I just want to say "gay religious germaphobe" sounds like someone was filling out a bingo card
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broken 🗲 fuse
: you’re not wrong!