Gabiluzbad
Okay I'm going to TRY to sum up Aquarion EVOL's plot. Keep in mind that I missed three episodes towards the end, I never watched the original Aquarion, and I was kind of drunk for a lot of it.
Beans
I'm sure you'll do fine
Gabiluzbad
So Aquarion EVOL is a mecha anime set 24000 years after the original Aquarion
Gabiluzbad
In this distant future
Gabiluzbad
Humanity is under seige
Echo
Honestly, any errors you make can only be an improvement.
Gabiluzbad
by a mysterious threat called the Abductors
oh i'm scary
I will not correct anything as you go but I'll give you a score at the end
Gabiluzbad
Who show up in giant robots and capture women, then disappear into mysterious portals to...somewhere. No one knows where
Gabiluzbad
The only defense humanity has against the Abductors is the Aquarions
Gabiluzbad
Which are combining mecha that take pilot teams of three
Gabiluzbad
The sacred law of Aquarion is that all three pilots HAVE to be the same gender
Gabiluzbad
Or....something will happen. I don't know
Gabiluzbad
It's bad, presumably
Gabiluzbad
Except then our hero, AMATA, accidentally gets on an aquarion with a girl
Gabiluzbad
Mikono, I think her name was?
Gabiluzbad
And their Aquarion gets supercharged and is able to actually fight off the abductors kind of ok
Gabiluzbad
Amata is shipped off to the Aquarion Pilot academy, which is an island divided in two by a giant wall called, I shit you not, the Berlin Wall
Gabiluzbad
Boys on one side, girls on the other side
Gabiluzbad
They are STRICTLY forbidden from interacting
Gabiluzbad
Except now it has been proven that boys and girls CAN pilot together, and that it is, in fact, desirable!
Gabiluzbad
So the wall gets a big hole blown in it
Gabiluzbad
And the boys and girls are allowed to interact again
Gabiluzbad
BUT NOT TO FALL IN LOVE
Gabiluzbad
ROMANCE IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN
Gabiluzbad
"Why?"
Gabiluzbad
Anyways in the next arc, Amata and Mikono meet a guy named Kagura
Gabiluzbad
Who seems obsessed with Mikono
Gabiluzbad
And is revealed to be a pilot for the Abductor army
Gabiluzbad
Then there's a middle bit where a bunch of stuff happens involving the individual characters
Gabiluzbad
And it's all incredibly stupid
Gabiluzbad
At one point they all get buried alive as a training exercist
Gabiluzbad
exercise
Beans
a student that's a double agent for the bad guys turns good and then dies
Gabiluzbad
They start to piece together what's up with the Abductors
Gabiluzbad
And this is what's up with the Abuctors:
Gabiluzbad
Their homeworld Altair, which is in another dimension, has been cursed
Gabiluzbad
All their women died
Gabiluzbad
So their master plan is to go to OUR dimension
Infychu
I think I'm actively getting stupider just from reading this plurk.
Gabiluzbad
And kidnap women to repopulate their world
Gabiluzbad
Infychu
: I'm just gettign STARTED
Gabiluzbad
The problem with this plan
Gabiluzbad
Is that all the women they kidnap
Gabiluzbad
Turn into men
Gabiluzbad
So
Gabiluzbad
This plan is proven demonstrably to Not Work
Beans
but they keep.......... doing it
Gabiluzbad
But they keep on trying in the hopes that they will eventually find a legendary super woman who does not fall to this horrible curse
Gabiluzbad
So that she, alone, can
Gabiluzbad
repopulate their species
Gabiluzbad
somehow
Gabiluzbad
That is their plan
Gabiluzbad
In the finale
Gabiluzbad
A LOT happens
Gabiluzbad
- We find out that Amata and Kagura are both reincarnations of a dog from 12,000 years ago
Gabiluzbad
- The dog wanted to fuck the female lead of Aquarion OG but couldn't because
Rama
I'm no fan of Ben Shapiro but at that point you really should just sell your houses and move
Gabiluzbad
He's a dog
Gabiluzbad
Rama
: I argued this point for a while but by the end I changed my mind and decided that the best thing Altair could do was to DIE and have their HORRIBLE CULTURE BASED ON MASS KIDNAPPING AND RAPE be erased
Gabiluzbad
- The reason all the women died or turned into men was that Altair covered itself in giant iron plates, which KILLED MOTHER NATURE
Rama
I mean practically, not morally
Gabiluzbad
- MOTHER NATURE IS FEMALE SO THEY COULDN'T HAVE FEMALES ANYMORE DO YOU SEE?
Gabiluzbad
- The leader of Altair is a dude named Mykage who is, I think, a gay angel who hates our planet because the main character of Aquarion OG stood him up 12,000 years ago? I'm a little hazy on this part
Rama
Okay that is so stupid I can't even process it but question
Rama
Why did they cover the planet in giant iron plates
Gabiluzbad
MOVING ON
Gabiluzbad
I think it had something to do with power produciton
Gabiluzbad
BUT IN THE END
Gabiluzbad
Mykage is defeated by the plucky youths piloting Aquarion
Gabiluzbad
And then his soul adrift
Gabiluzbad
And the last thing that happens
Gabiluzbad
is Apollonius, the angel that Apollo (the main character of Aquarion OG) is a reincarnation of
Gabiluzbad
Reveals himself to be the obnoxious cryptic mentor character
Gabiluzbad
And accepts Mykage's souls into himself, trapping him
Gabiluzbad
Which means that Apollonius was THERE ON EARTH THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME
Gabiluzbad
And he KNEW WHAT WAS GOING ON
Gabiluzbad
But rather than trying to take responsibility to his exboyfriend he made a bunch of teenagers deal with him instead
Gabiluzbad
THE
Gabiluzbad
END
Cute Quinn
there's a whole scene in the stream you missed
Cute Quinn
where Fudo is talking about the legends of 24k and 12k years ago
Cute Quinn
and it ends with him revealing the blank pages of the legend being written in the present
Cute Quinn
and he goes, dramatically and heroically
Cute Quinn
THE ONES WHO WILL WRITE THE END OF THIS LEGEND... ARE YOU, THE YOUNG
Cute Quinn
and it's LITERALLY just Fudo making teens solve his love life for him for 24,000 years
Gabiluzbad
Anyways I made this plurk because I wanted everyone to just
Gabiluzbad
understand
Gabiluzbad
how fucking terrible this show is
TWO OF THEM
i mean......if i could make teens solve my problems for me 24,000 years into the future......i would
Gabiluzbad
AND I'VE BARELY SCRATCHED THE SURFACE
Gabiluzbad
I COULD GO ON FOR ANOTHER 400 COMMENTS EASILY
Cold XC
another twelve thousand years, even
Gabiluzbad
I DIDN'T EVEN MENTION MIX AND ANDY
Gabiluzbad
Anyway murkrows waht's my score?
oh i'm scary
I'm gonna give you a 70
oh i'm scary
no major details wrong, but you, and this is understandable
oh i'm scary
left so much out
Gabiluzbad
I left a LOT out
Gabiluzbad
Intentionally
Gabiluzbad
for my own sanity
oh i'm scary
because it's impossible for the human mind to hold all of the problems with Aquarion EVOL at once
Gabiluzbad
I didn't talk about Andy, or about Mixy, or about Kagura's reversal thing, or about the shock bracelets, or about Cayenne and Shrade's incredible nohomo
oh i'm scary
I've seen it twice now, which I think makes me one of the world's leading authorities on it
oh i'm scary
and if you were to ask me
oh i'm scary
"what's the ABSOLUTE WORST part"
Gabiluzbad
I'd put the WORST part as Altair's overall motivation
oh i'm scary
"the dumbest, most offensive, most absurd, most inconceivable that ANYONE greenlit this, much less EVERYONE that would have to for it to make it to TV"
oh i'm scary
I would have no answer
oh i'm scary
because there are fucking, like, ten MAJOR plot elements in a dead heat for first place
oh i'm scary
Altair is one, by which I mean at least three, of them
oh i'm scary
but can I really conclusively say that it tops the dogfucking
oh i'm scary
or Reversal
oh i'm scary
or Andy and Mix
oh i'm scary
or fucking Apollonius
oh i'm scary
or Apollonius's evil predatory gay jilted ex who takes out his grudge on a bunch of minors for thousands of years
oh i'm scary
the badness is fractal