So binged deputy and like ran smack into the reason I can never date. Lol like... gender identity is so weird. And how can you even date when your brain and body don’t relate and like you don’t actually have intentions of changing that anytime soon and so like.... hng
Like I’m super not comfortable with my girl parts and like while I’m not as viscerally hateful of anything femme about myself anymore as I used to be it’s just like
And I mess around on tinder Bc in theory I want to have a sex life and date but everything is so binary and it’s like I want either a male or female that treats me like a male but I’m not ... male on the outside and everything about transition is so difficult and I’d probably lose my job and not be able to work in childcare if I tried
But like I’m so so so closed off about myself and I’m impossible to get to really know and I have trust issues and even if someone liked me I think it’s be hard for me to believe it’s not some cruel long con joke
And like I’m so jealous of the fictional character of Paul from Lone Star like that guy just has his shit together! His gender and sexual identity and he’s just in it
And I mean I guess I just don’t feel so confident because I don’t feel like I could be male if I have no intentions of transitioning but everything in my like brain is just rejecting being female
Like okay I explain stuff with relating to fiction but there’s a scene in pose where Stan tries to touch Angels crotch and she’s just not okay with it because her genitalia didn’t... match her identity and just that scene felt so relatable
Like I identify with Judds character so much because I relate to his character type so much with my upbringing and his marriage is one of the most ideal marriages in my mind and that’s weird almost to relate to the most straight character but like he represents me in so many ways
And likely I’d be able to find a lesbian more accepting but like a lesbian will still be a lesbian and then i know if I ever transitioned then I like wouldn’t be what they want sexually
And sometimes I wonder if the instance of abuse that happened is what fucked up my gender identity so much and I doubt the validity of anything and idk maybe it’s why I don’t like my v touched but
When I did have sex it was living with a poly married couple and that blew up Bc I was 20 and didn’t know how to communicate and then my dad was dying and then roger was blaming me for making Saundra cut herself and then like we didn’t talk and idk
And I feel that even more so now because this stuff with Sammy like for almost a decade she’s been my platonic life partner and this whole thing is like dissolving an entire life together
and tbh I feel a lot like it's impossible to find someone that will fit with me too... because most people are sexual and I've kinda come to realize I'm just ace. it's a thing.
and at first I felt weird about saying that, for using asexual as a word to describe myself,b/c I felt like i wasnt "asecual enough* to use thr word... but over the last 2yrs or so, it's really become a thing that fits and feels right. Sometimes I think you have to sit with an idea for awhile before it sinks in and makes sense/feels right.
I also have a problem when I’ve tried dating online friends is I get like the “you’re being clingy”feeling and I just feel suffocated quickly and no one ever knew how to deal with that and it crashed and burned but part of the problem with online is feeling like there’s an immediate need of response and no one made me feel safe that I didn’t have to lol
see also: probably live with you? Though I'm... not a good roommate, I really should live alone but can't for various reasons most of which having to do with how gd expensive it is
but do you need a label, for you? like would you feel better if you could find one you felt fit right or is it, again, societal pressure? because if it's just society idk. I mean fuck society tbh lmfao
idk I don't think everyone is so dependent on labels... best as I understand it, even, pansexuality is basically the epitome of "fuck labels, I just love your soul", right?
and as a friendly neighborhood bisexual, no matter what label you decide fits you're going to have people both with the same label and with other labels telling you you should use a different one
Because it is just like yeah gonna be judged but I guess I feel like 95% gay guy and like 5% bi guy but like just something about that feels unacceptable to me!
is "they" not a fit for you? and is "it" actually a comfortable thing to you? because ngl feels a little more like you're almost... chastising yourself? almost a punishment for being somewhere between genders on the sliding scale of identity. (and i may be wrong but that's how it kind of reads to me, personally)
alsooo... why does the above 95/5 thing you mentioned up there^ feel unacceptable? you don't have to answer me specifically if you don't want but like...idk I think sometimes pinpointing why a thing makes you feel a certain way can help? haha idk I'm sorry if im not actually being helpful at all rn
Signing up for okc... I get stuck here everytime and just quit
But also 31 is not "too late", you don't have an expiration date for dateability, unless you enforce one on yourself.
Not allowed
Saying and coming out