[MH] I finally read the journals I requested from when I saw a psychologist in 8th - 9th grade. And like I don't feel like I have too much to say about it but it was... strange.

I talked about a lot of things that I don't quite remember being so affected by.

Whenever I think about that time I mostly think about two specific incidents. 1. When my best friends actually believed and cared about some rumours that were being spread about me. That really hurt. 2. When said best friends ditched my ass.

The following issues with the rest of my class definitely made things harder. Like jfc those people were inconsistent assholes. I mean. Teenagers. It is what it is but god they were assholes.

But I really didn't talk about those two best friend incidents up there and I think, idk, that I was just really... broken by them. I didn't want to talk about them at all.

When I've been going to therapy now, I've been talking about it way more than I expected I would.

Apparently it took me MONTHS to tell my mum about what actually happened with my best friends.

yeah, I think sometimes you're not ready to talk when things are actually happening

Like I told the psychologist before I told her.

She didn't know what actually happened for so long.

idk in a way I'm almost bummed out? LMAO I don't know what I expected from reading these. Maybe I was hoping for some kind of weird epiphany.

But yeah there was a lot of parts where I talked about how my classmates seemed to be friendlier, and then the next appointment I'd talk about how they were giving me the cold shoulder again so like.

idk what they were doing but they were Not Great.

Maybe it's just easier to talk to a stranger. Bc your mum would worry. And you didn't want to make her worry

Back then it was really difficult for me to talk to mum.

It just made me really scared.

I couldn't say why.

Sometimes it just is the way it is and you don't have a reason