Stolen from hellacopacetic because this is important

I have a couple of rules I try to like...set for myself, and one of them is "Instead of apologizing, express gratitude to the other person." Generally it's healthier. Instead of "I'm sorry for dumping my feelings on you", saying "Thank you for listening / caring" - it changes your own perceptions, validates the other person

acknowledges that they're giving some effort towards your existence

(I sometimes forget to do it. But I try)

In this vein, I also try, instead of giving in to fears or brain weasels, to express gratitude for a situation as best i can. So, for example, if I see a friend spending more time with someone else, rather than giving in to the fear of abandonment, I verbalize my gratitude that they're getting along so well with that person.

(Also. I sometimes fail at this.)

Like I know it's a big joke that new age-y yoga moms Live In Gratitude, but like...this is a more simplified...interpersonal communication thing. And it helps a lot.

The other thing I do is follow Craig Ferguson's rules. Before you say a thing, ask yourself:
- Does this need to be said?
- Does this need to be said by me?
- Does this need to be said by me right now?
If the answer is "no" to any of that, don't say the thing.

I should note that the expression of gratitude thing isn't for the other person; it's to curb one's own need to apologize. For everything. In any given situation. Ever.

Because shit did I have a problem with that.

anyway i post all that thinking maybe someone will find it useful the end

I feel extremely called out by this post

But also replacing guilt with gratitude is a big dbt skill

Its a thing and its a good thing imo

I know practically nothing about dbt!

Dialectical behavioral therapy! Its all about changing habits by altering perspectives and mental states

So for example you could change a habit of ruminating and beating yourself up with guilt for asking for help or for emotionally dumping on people, by practicing “gratitude over guilt” and expressing gratitude instead of apologizing

And for looking for ways to activate that sense of gratitude instead of guilt

oh shit that's awesome

i found it very effective for many of my issues!

you can probably find some of the dbt worksheets online with lists of skills or lists of fallacies

self-validation is a big thing, too

giving yourself permission to feel the way you feel, while accepting that you want it to change, that kind of thing

also I am apparently on a soapbox vibe tonight