Watching women step forward as part of the #MeToo movement, he added, “this shame washed over me again and again and I knew I had to act.” And speak out he has — both as a victim and a man in a position to do something about it.
“I have to say the silence is deafening when it comes to men coming forward,” he said.
“As I told my story I was told over and over that this was not abuse. That this was a joke. That this was just horseplay. But one man’s horseplay is another’s humiliation.”
This encouraged me to come forward with my own experience, and reflect on the cult of “toxic masculinity” that exists in our society.
As a child I watched as my father violently abused my mother, using his power and authority to dominate her. All I could think was how I wanted to protect her.
How, if I get strong, I can protect her from this living nightmare.
As I grew up, this thought transformed the type of man I became. I swore I would never be like my father and yet I believed, to my core, that as a man, I was more valuable in this world. As a protector and symbol of strength, I was more worthy. That women were beneath me.
I used images of women’s body and pornography at my disposal, validating my need for control. I often cut women short of sharing personal details of their lives so they would seem less human, less real. As a man, I was taught my entire life that I must control the world.
So, I used power, influence and control to dominate every situation: from the football field to the film set, even in my own home with my wife and children.
One man, a third-year medical resident, told me he saw himself in Mr. Ansari. Friendly but shy, he yearned to find a meaningful relationship but struggled to connect with women. He’d been experimenting with approaching women in a more “dominant” and assertive way, since he’d heard that’s what women wanted.
He eventually acknowledged that he had been so focused on performing for dates that he wasn’t really connecting to them, unable to accurately read his date’s reactions. He was focused on tuning out his own discomfort and was unaware of the feelings of the woman in front of him.
The majority of men who enter my office appear either flat and emotionless or superficially engaged but hiding behind impenetrable niceness. When I ask a man, for example, how he feels when his girlfriend says, “I’m so upset, I can’t even be around you right now,” I usually get an answer like “It’s frustrating.”
That’s a word that is used a lot yet conveys essentially nothing. Most men have spent little time with their feelings and have very limited vocabulary to describe what is going on in their hearts.
Our bodies hold so many of our emotional reactions that we learn a lot just by noticing our physiological responses. Almost always, the men I work with notice a tight tension in their chests and stomachs — anxiety. They often admit that they feel this tension most of the time.
Many have developed habits — the gym, masturbating, video games, drinking — to cope.
I have found that for many men, underneath the anxiety that is always humming along are layers of shame. Shame at having feelings at all, shame because they believe that there is something fundamentally wrong with them, shame that they are not men, they are just boys.
Shame is the emotional weapon that allows patriarchal behaviors to flourish. The fear of being emasculated leads men to rationalize awful behavior. This kind of toxic shame is in direct contradiction with the healthy shame that we all need to feel in order to acknowledge mistakes and take responsibility.
In their efforts to manage the feeling of shame, some men numb themselves. Others sink under it and slip into depression or chronic underachievement. And others take the pain that they feel and project it back out into the world with violent words and deeds. These are the issues that lead them to seek therapy in the first place.
He had been desperate to boost his self-esteem through sexual conquests. He ultimately put his own pleasure before someone else’s discomfort, behavior that was forged in moments in which he had felt worthless. He seemed to be crying for that person, tears that seemed years overdue.
If we want to create an equitable society, one in which everyone can thrive, we need to also give boys more choices. As Gloria Steinem says, “I’m glad we’ve begun to raise our daughters more like our sons, but it will never work until we raise our sons more like our daughters.”
That’s because women’s roles can’t expand if men’s don’t, too. But it’s not just about women. Men are falling behind in school and work because we are not raising boys to succeed in the new, pink economy.
Skills like cooperation, empathy and diligence — often considered to be feminine — are increasingly valued in modern-day work and school, and jobs that require these skills are the fastest-growing.
===
I asked neuroscientists, economists, psychologists and others to answer that question, based on the latest research and data we have about gender.
I defined feminist simply, as someone who believes in the full equality of men and women. Their advice applied broadly: to anyone who wants to raise children who are kind, confident and free to pursue their dreams.
- Let him cry - Give him role models - Let him be himself - Teach him to take care of himself - Teach him to take care of others - Share the work - Encourage friendships with girls - Teach ‘no means no’ - Speak up when others are intolerant - Never use ‘girl’ as an insult
另外，這類型的刻板印象/社會要求，受害的不只是男性周遭的他人，也可能包括他們自身，依循此價值觀的後續行為亦對生理心理皆有負面影響；過去常把這些典範視為得利者而不加制止甚至鼓勵，但其實是雙向有害的。
http://www.vulture.com/2018/06/terry-crews-details-s...
Terry Crews在參議院作證時，除了提到之前他曾公布的性騷擾事件，也陳述自己在這樣的文化下不知不覺成為加害者，到了轉變身分為被害者時幡然悔悟。
===
The experience “encouraged me to come forward with my own experience and reflect on the cult of toxic masculinity,” he explained.
“I’m not a small or insecure man but in that moment and in the time that followed I’ve never felt more emasculated,” Crews said.
“I have to say the silence is deafening when it comes to men coming forward,” he said.
This encouraged me to come forward with my own experience, and reflect on the cult of “toxic masculinity” that exists in our society.
As a child I watched as my father violently abused my mother, using his power and authority to dominate her. All I could think was how I wanted to protect her.
As I grew up, this thought transformed the type of man I became. I swore I would never be like my father and yet I believed, to my core, that as a man, I was more valuable in this world. As a protector and symbol of strength, I was more worthy. That women were beneath me.
===
One man, a third-year medical resident, told me he saw himself in Mr. Ansari. Friendly but shy, he yearned to find a meaningful relationship but struggled to connect with women. He’d been experimenting with approaching women in a more “dominant” and assertive way, since he’d heard that’s what women wanted.
Sitting on my couch, he could barely look me in the eyes. He confessed that he’d spent much of the weekend just lying in bed.
Our bodies hold so many of our emotional reactions that we learn a lot just by noticing our physiological responses. Almost always, the men I work with notice a tight tension in their chests and stomachs — anxiety. They often admit that they feel this tension most of the time.
I have found that for many men, underneath the anxiety that is always humming along are layers of shame. Shame at having feelings at all, shame because they believe that there is something fundamentally wrong with them, shame that they are not men, they are just boys.
In their efforts to manage the feeling of shame, some men numb themselves. Others sink under it and slip into depression or chronic underachievement. And others take the pain that they feel and project it back out into the world with violent words and deeds. These are the issues that lead them to seek therapy in the first place.
He had been desperate to boost his self-esteem through sexual conquests. He ultimately put his own pleasure before someone else’s discomfort, behavior that was forged in moments in which he had felt worthless. He seemed to be crying for that person, tears that seemed years overdue.
===
If we want to create an equitable society, one in which everyone can thrive, we need to also give boys more choices. As Gloria Steinem says, “I’m glad we’ve begun to raise our daughters more like our sons, but it will never work until we raise our sons more like our daughters.”
===
I asked neuroscientists, economists, psychologists and others to answer that question, based on the latest research and data we have about gender.
- Let him cry
- Give him role models
- Let him be himself
- Teach him to take care of himself
- Teach him to take care of others
- Share the work
- Encourage friendships with girls
- Teach ‘no means no’
- Speak up when others are intolerant
- Never use ‘girl’ as an insult
- Celebrate boyhood
他願意公開坦承這麼多、進而修正真的不容易，真心佩服。
在這波運動裡面男性的支持身影確實相對少見，Terry站出來說這麼多真的不簡單。