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[work, ableism, mental illness issues] Got a lecture at work today that triggered me pretty badly.
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I know I have to do all the "how to advocate for myself in this situation" work tomorrow, but tonight honestly I just want to vent.
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Like, for reference, I work super fucking hard.
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My actual supervisor, the deli manager, calls me and Mal her "A team", the store manager has been going on for the whole year I've worked there about me being a great closer, the bakery and deli managers both joke about me being "the boss" because I will work through all their bullshitting and make them feel shamed into working 
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So there isn't a real "problem" about my work.
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I went through a period where I was missing a lot of work because of my health, but I haven't missed in a while.
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So there's no real reason for anyone to be like "YOU DON'T WORK" or "YOU'RE A BAD WORKER" or anything at me.
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But I'm a part-time employee who works full-time hours a lot because of understaffing.
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And I'm a second-shift worker who has problems with health that increase when I get tired, which can be a bad combination.
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Tonight I got chewed out by a manager for complaining about long days/not wanting to work long days, particularly like "in comparison to" another coworker.
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Said coworker is the assistant manager of my dept and is older than I am.
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And she did indeed work really long hours today and is STILL going to open the dept tomorrow.
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So like.
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YES SHE DESERVES PATS OR WHATEVER, SHE'S GREAT
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but the whole "this older person does this thing, so you should be able to do the same thing" logic does not... work.
shinotenshi22
Oh I Loath that logic -_-
shinotenshi22
LOATHE it
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like I can't talk about S's health situation because I don't fucking know her health situation. I don't know if working long hours is bad for her or if she's putting herself in some kind of danger doing so.
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What I do know is that I am in danger working long hours.
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'BUT SHE'S OLDER THAN YOU, YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO ANYTHING SHE DOES"
shinotenshi22
................................I'm going be a ball of hissing spitting rage at that logic over here.
shinotenshi22
hugs you in the meantime
The Fool
hahaha yeah I'm pretty rage-y too
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Like, I know it's stupid ableist bullshit, I do
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But at the same time, it was pretty triggering, because being told "YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO THIS THING" is something that has happened to me my whole life
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and I can't?
shinotenshi22
(I often view "health" similarly to how I view finances, and financial debt. Some of us are born with more 'health debt' than others and so for us, just getting to break even can be a challenge. While others START at 0 and can go up or down...)
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Like, I've been working more hours than I really should (particularly more hours in a row/long shifts), and I've been kind of getting by?
shinotenshi22
cuddles
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But I've also had a lot of really bad nights and sometimes been in actual danger because of it.
shinotenshi22
curls around protectively and cuddles you
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Like, I can't do this forever.
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And I absolutely don't need to be told that saying "I can't do this forever" or "I need to go home now" is unacceptable
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And I hate that it triggers me?
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Like, it bothers me that I can know a thing is wrong and still hate myself and get scared and freaked out and upset about it.
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:/
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Because there's always the part of my brain saying "that's right, you just suck" or "that's right, you're just a waste of space'
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But I'm a really fucking hard worker, I just... happen to also be sick.
shinotenshi22
cuddle
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And me having a part time rather than a full time job (despite that not being the best financial decision for myself) is necessary because of my health problems.
shinotenshi22
on...an entirely different note, THANK YOu. for putting that into words.
The Fool
Hmm? which thing?
shinotenshi22
that feeling of "Like, it bothers me that I can know a thing is wrong and still hate myself and get scared and freaked out and upset about it."
shinotenshi22
That is so much more coherant and explains something I deal with a LOT
shinotenshi22
so...thank you
shinotenshi22
as much as this all has sucked
The Fool
/snuggles
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I'm glad it helps you <3
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It's a really frustrating thing though, isn't it?
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How like... logic doesn't stop the reaction?
shinotenshi22
Oh god it is
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Like, okay, I realize the manager who lectured me is obviously just...
shinotenshi22
are...you able to be on discord for typing?
shinotenshi22
if that's okay? (I don't wanna share the next part all over your plurk)
shinotenshi22
and if you are not, that is also cool
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not that knowledgeable about health stuff/invisible illness/mental illness/etc
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I can try. Lemme go see.
shinotenshi22
I could try voice, if needed... but typing is often easier. and I don't wanna 'lean' on you if you're not up for it at all
shinotenshi22
it's nothing urgent, just you might be able to help me put in words
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So I'm sure she just doesn't really fucking know what she's talking about, and that it doesn't really reflect on me?
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But I still got triggered.
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And went into "I'm a terrible person for being sick" mode, mentally
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Even though a friend had JUST reassured me about the same thing re: parenting today
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So it's frustrating that I like KNOW that this manager was wrong and stupid and ill-informed, but I couldn't stop the "Getting upset" part of things.
cricketussy
Oh that's awful. I'd react badly, too, tbh.
cricketussy
The who "You should be able to do that because I said so" thing is terrible.
cricketussy
*whole
HIKIKOMORTIS
It’s another bullshit instance of how people who don’t understand mental illness just steamroll over basic human decency
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Hnnng yeah people are just stupid
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she doubled down on it today when I said something to her too
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and I mentioned "I have both mental and physical issues and little to no access to care for them"
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but she's just like BUT THIS OTHER PERSON CAN DO IT
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I think what annoys me most is that like... I work really fucking hard, and EVERYONE KNOWS THAT
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but my one concern of "too many hours makes me sick" still pisses this manager off
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I'm gonna talk to store manager next time I see him