The Fool
[suicide, abuse, bad living conditions, poor health, etc] The truth is, I don't know anymore.
The Fool
It's difficult to tell, after a while, just how bad a particular thing is on a particular day.
The Fool
I have this habit of being like "yeah, I'm having a lot of suicidal ideation today, but I'm safe, I'm okay"
shinotenshi22
huggles you
The Fool
But it gets to be really weird after a while, trying to figure out the status of something that is always there.
The Fool
I'm having a bad day today, and it started last night, and I don't know how to explain the progression or exactly all the parts that make it up.
The Fool
But I've hit the point where it's very hard to say "how suicidal" I am, or whatever.
The Fool
It's funny, at my current job I'm kind of known as the insane cleaner type person, and everyone thinks of me as someone who is good at and focused on those things.
The Fool
But if you ask anyone who has known me in person, they'll tell you that cleaning is very hard for me, both because I was punished regarding it a lot, and because I lived in so many terrible places that I got used to not seeing dirt.
The Fool
So I have to work really hard to realize that something is dirty, because to me things being covered in grime is just the normal.
The Fool
Likewise, I have a lot of fridge horror regarding relationships and family members and everything, because everything was so fucked up for me that some really bad shit was "the normal".
The Fool
It's weird how you can live with anything.
The Fool
It's weird how the status meter sometimes starts as "intense pain" and goes from there.
The Fool
I remember once as a kid saying to someone that I'd been hurt the night before, but "I didn't bleed much this time, so..."
The Fool
I wanted to talk about how I was feeling earlier today, but I kept picking up my phone and putting it down again.
The Fool
There are so many things I've said and said and said.
The Fool
And there are things I want to say to particular people that feel like they wouldn't do anyone any good.
The Fool
I have a school friend who has sent me a bunch of messages I haven't responded to, and I keep not knowing how to respond.
The Fool
Because he creeped me out at some point, but he means well.
The Fool
But I feel like most of my life is like that.
The Fool
What degree of gross is everything around me or inside me today?
The Fool
How disgusting is it today?
The Fool
How much blood have I coughed up or how many flashbacks have I had or how much have I wanted to just stop being or how many times have I slammed my head into the wall or how much stress am I under or how many things should I be doing that are impossible for me?
The Fool
How lonely am I today?
The Fool
How broken?
The Fool
Status: can't breathe.
Puliway
I'm here leca
The Fool
I can't make myself do communication.
The Fool
I can't be like "hey I watched a movie" or "hey I exercised a bit today" or any of the normal stuff anyone says
Puliway
If you need someone to just.... be here with you, you got me. I'm sorry you're going through this and there doesn't seem to be any relief in sight.
The Fool
all I have is this endless crying about how much everything hurts
Puliway
I can breathe with you and we can try to breathe together.
Puliway
it doesn't have to pretend to be any definition of normal
The Fool
I cry all the time
The Fool
every day, all fucking day long
The Fool
I keep crying at work lately, because of how stressed out work is making me
The Fool
but then I come home and cry too
Puliway
you've got a lot of pain to have out. I'm sorry the crying hurts too.
The Fool
I keep thinking I'm "depressed" or something, but that's not what it feels like
The Fool
it's just grief
Puliway
/hugs
The Fool
about everything in my life being wrong or missing or lost or not working or impossible
The Fool
there's nothing here
The Fool
everything is gross and dirty and wrong and bad inside and out
Puliway
you are here. You matter despite every single obstacle making it really really hard to be.
The Fool
I'm sick
The Fool
and everything hurts
The Fool
and my living situation is terrible
The Fool
and I'm incredibly lonely
The Fool
and I can't move
The Fool
I like, can't find any steps to take anywhere
The Fool
This is just my life.
The Fool
This is just what it is, what I am.
The Fool
There's nothing temporary about how fucked up it is, there's nothing transient about it.
The Fool
It's always been like this.
The Fool
There's nowhere to go and no better to be and I'm just me and I can't do anything different.
The Fool
I keep thinking I'm in some way transcending my family for trying to get out.
The Fool
Or trying to be or do different things.
cricketussy
You are you and you're a wonderful person who's sometimes had better times than right now.
The Fool
But my life isn't any better than it would be if I drank myself into oblivion.
The Fool
I'm not any less poor or miserable.
Puliway
You are a bright spark of tenacity and totally worth just being, even if you're sick and your life feels continuously wrecked. I wish you could have some peace and relief, but... please know we love you.
The Fool
I'm really a lot worse than my family.
Puliway
We care about you, and If there was a single thing I could do to lift you up from your pain and unhappiness, right now, I would do it hands down no questions
The Fool
Because at least they have people around them.
The Fool
I just sit here alone, every time Dusty leaves, any moment he isn't here with me, I am literally alone ALL THE TIME.
The Fool
Do you know how empty that is?
cricketussy
It's easy for everything to feel more stuck than it actually is when you're in a low point. I've had those moments, not with your specifics, but just feeling like nothing can ever change.
The Fool
Can you imagine, never going anywhere or doing anything or talking to anyone outside of work?
The Fool
Just whole days and weeks and months of no contact with the world at all, other than work and plurk?
The Fool
or, I don't know, talking to people at the laundromat?
The Fool
I don't understand how this happened.
The Fool
Except I know exactly how it happened, because I'm just me, and this is just what I am.
Puliway
You do have spectacular spontaneous interactions at the laundromat.
The Fool
I'm not good enough.
cricketussy
I'm not sure if that's directed at me, but yes, I know exactly what that's like.
The Fool
I can't have a career, I can't have a nice place to live, I can't have relationships, I can't have places to go and things to do.
Puliway
I am always impressed when you tell us about them.
The Fool
This is just all I deserve.
The Fool
That's got to be it.
cricketussy
You do deserve all that, though. Even if it feels like it to you, there's nothing about you that means you don't deserve anything nice.
The Fool
Because my life has just always been like this.
Puliway
No. That's not true. Don't you let the poverty myth of I DESERVE THIS define your heart.
The Fool
Either I'm being horrifically abused or I'm alone.
The Fool
There's nowhere else, there's no in between.
Puliway
You are good, you are SO good, you deserve to be happy and safe and healthier and cared for.
The Fool
I'm nothing but a discarded toy.
The Fool
I should have just stayed in that awful situation because I wouldn't be alone, at least.
Puliway
Fuck that voice, Leca. Fuck. That voice.
The Fool
At this point I miss being beaten because at least then someone knew I was there.
Puliway
Listen to me.
Puliway
I know you're here.
The Fool
At least I existed when someone cared enough to hurt me.
Puliway
I know you're hurting.
The Fool
I just don't exist anymore.
The Fool
I'm just dying slowly instead of fast, all at once.
The Fool
That's all.
Puliway
I'm sorry you hurt. But I'm so glad you exist.
cricketussy
^^^this
Puliway
My life would lack so much vibrancy in the corner of heart and mind you occupy, if you weren't there.
The Fool
I'm sorry.
The Fool
I'm so tired, guys.
Puliway
You do have connections. They mean things to people.
cricketussy
You've helped me deal with things, so many times. Please remember that.
Puliway
Even though we can't be physically there I will put things in your mailbox to be there as much as I can.
Puliway
And pray every time I send them that you'll hang in there to get them.
Puliway
Because you matter and you're worth caring about. I'm so sorry it sucks so bad it's always a battle to believe that.
cricketussy
It's okay to be tired. We just want you to keep waking up after you sleep.
The Fool
I keep being too scared to sleep properly.
The Fool
I keep waking up terrified a million times a night.
The Fool
I SEE YOU. I'm sorry I'm not saying the right things.
The Fool
I do appreciate you.
The Fool
I do.
The Fool
I promise.
The Fool
I know you're trying to help.
cricketussy
What would help you feel safe to sleep? Do you have any ideas?
Puliway
I'm fightin' through the bramble best I can, bestie. What can I do for you?
The Fool
I'm sorry.
The Fool
I'm all out of ideas at this point. That's the problem.
The Fool
I don't have any idea.
The Fool
I don't know what to do to help myself, or what to ask anyone else to do.
Puliway
Then I'm just gonna stay, nose booped to screen, as long as it takes for you to breathe a little bit easier. 
The Fool
I appreciate you
The Fool
I just wish I could... I don't, be different in like every way
The Fool
everything is so hard for me
cricketussy
listening to recorded meditation/hypnosis tracks something you've tried? I have approximately a ton of those that I've gotten at some point free or cheaply, and I know there's some relax/sleep stuff in there if you want it.
The Fool
I'm not having much luck with that kind of stuff lately
cricketussy
Alright
The Fool
I was using some of that kind of stuff, but I haven't been able to focus on it lately
Puliway
I wish things were less hard, but what you are is enough for me to like. A lot. A lot, really.
I wish things were less hard, but what you are is enough for me to like. A lot. A lot, really.
cricketussy
If you ever do want any of them, ping me. Like I said, I've got a million things.
The Fool
thank you
cricketussy
I can also send you some distance reiki later. Can't hurt.
The Fool
that's very sweet of you
cricketussy
You deserve it
The Fool
I think I need to go to bed
cricketussy
<3
cricketussy
I hope you sleep tonight
Puliway
Stay warm and cozy and I will snarl and hiss at every icky thought-demon that tries to inhabit the nest.
Bing Bong
you are worth every bit of our love, and we love you a lot <3 i wish we were closer. I wish you could come here, even if it was just to do laundry and sleep, just so you could feel safe
Bing Bong
you deserve so much more and so much better, because you truly are a wonderful and inspirational person
Bing Bong
I know it doesn't feel like it. But you make a difference to all of us here.
The Fool
thank you
Puliway
gosh we could do laundry and sleep in big warm dryer blanket piles, I'm in on this plan guys, I'm in
しゅっぱい
sorry things are so rough. we will all be like directional guardian deities for you in your sleep
しゅっぱい
... in a warm blanket pile apparently WOOHOO
cricketussy
Warm blanket pile sounds nice, I'm in, too.
cricketussy
I just did some chakra clearing. Found some blocks that were pretty deeply rooted, but I think I got through them. Everything seems to be flowing a lot more smoothly now. Will send nice healing energy for a while. <3
Toss
Your family isn't alone because they've found a group that enables their toxicity. You don't have their aid in finding a new group because you want something different. I wish it could be easier.
Toss
But you are better for trying to find something else-.
Toss
And you are worthy. You're worthy because you exist and because you're always trying to be better.
The Fool
