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[end of life stuff][parent stuff][religious stuff] UGH
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My grandmother is already trying to talk to me about reasons we might want an autopsy on my father
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he's not dead yet
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But it's weird because... I know my grandmother is an extremely imperfect human being and a lot of her beliefs about things are deeply flawed
papermint tiger
jeez
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But it's strange to see her faltering so much ?
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She keeps going back-and-forth on whether she wants him to live or die
shinotenshi22
huggles
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And I feel like that's completely normal and natural, but it's also hard to listen to
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She was saying that she doesn't really know what to say when she prays for him anymore
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But apparently yesterday she went to the nursing home and couldn't wake him and thought he was dead
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And they finally got him awake but she wasn't sure how to feel about it
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She's the kind of person that it's hard to remember has feelings sometimes
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She called to talk about the whole situation and... I got really upset
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Because she kept jumping back-and-forth between wanting him to get better and talking about an autopsy??
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unoiled snake
ahhh... that is tough to deal with
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I was going to do some chores this afternoon and now they're not going to happen
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Because I just can't
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I almost wish that I had religious faith that was heavily centered on redemption or something, right now.
unoiled snake
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like there is no particular solace for me in anything I believe ? At least as regards to the death of abusive parents
unoiled snake
yeah
unoiled snake
I'm areligious, and ngl I've had moments where I wished I could believe in some kind of religion
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And she keeps reminding me how old she is and that she'll probably be dead soon too
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... and that's sort of it?
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Like I technically have aunts and cousins and stuff, but not that I'm close to
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The one I get along with is actually a really distant cousin lol
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I don't really have any other close family left
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My half brother hasn't talked to me since he went around town spewing things that had half the town harassing me ???
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And I haven't been close to my family in a long time but having them all be dead is completely different from that
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I'm not even 40 yet
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And both of my parents were fairly young when they had me
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My mother was like 50 when she died.
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My father turned 60 this year I think ?
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And it's not like they were helping me out or anything
unoiled snake
your dad's younger than my mom...
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But it's just super weird
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mm! but he looks older than my grandmother??
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Because he had multiple strokes and has had substance abuse problems his entire life.
unoiled snake
/nodnod
unoiled snake
yeah, you've mentioned that
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I just feel so conflicted about everything because I have so many issues with my family, but I'm just...
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Everything hurts
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Everything I could think about my father or the situation hurts
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And I can't do anything because I'm poor. I can't even go there if I decided to.
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Like even if I decided that going to talk to him before he died would give things some kind of closure I could not do it
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I can't go.
unoiled snake
I'm so sorry.
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even if I cancel the class I was planning on taking this semester, it would just save me the payments later it wouldn't give me money now
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There's nothing I can-do except sit here and stew about it
unoiled snake
/offers hugs
unoiled snake
that sounds like a terrible situation... especially the not being able to do anything about it
The Fool
yeah.
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/hugs
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thanks
unoiled snake
ilu
ilu
mai
hugs tight I'm sorry.
mai
that sounds like a really rough situation and not one that can be dealt with easily.
mai
I guess he's her son, as awful as he is... but that doesn't change the awful things he did to you, and his extreme abusiveness.
The Fool
/hugs
mai
I think it's okay for you to feel purely negative about the whole situation. Redemption is all well and good, but there are certainly times where seeking it for other people can do more harm than good
mai
(if that makes sense?)
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mm yeah
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it's just weird like...
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I know she has a lot of mixed feelings about him too, honestly.
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obviously it's hard having your kid be like that
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But she has so much faith that God can make everything okay or whatever
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And I felt oppressed my whole-life over the idea that nothing anyone did to you matters if they say sorry to God
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like those beliefs are a huge part of why my family always sides with abusers over victims
HIKIKOMORTIS
God doesn't magically make anything happen. If you believe in Him, then you'll find help, but you still need to do the work. and He knows if you're not genuinely remorseful and only paying lip service.
The Fool
But at the same time my grandmother gets some comfort from the idea that her son might go to heaven or whatever.
HIKIKOMORTIS
So if that's what comforts her, that's on her. But you shouldn't feel obligated to do what she thinks you should do, and you shouldn't feel bad for avoiding something you know will only bring you down.
mai
yeaaah
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But I don't have any of those same ideas about redemption or salvation or any of that shit
HIKIKOMORTIS
and there's nothing wrong with that.
unoiled snake
ugh, I'm sorry that your family is that way... don't think that's how religion should work imo
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But it's frustrating because for me there is no like positive in this situation
mai
nods I was gonna continue with yeah - more often than not I've seen redemption that forgives and ignores abuse, even when the consequences are still happening.
mai
nods and hugs
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yeaaaah that
unoiled snake
I guess this is why I'm not really tempted by Christianity. Too many people interpreting it in shitty ways.
The Fool
hahaha yeah
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I've been kind of struggling with my own religious stuff for a while though.
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I think part of it is just that my life keeps getting shittier and shittier and I don't have any energy or focus to do a spiritual or religious stuff anymore
mai
nods
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So it's frustrating because have all of this stuff that I can't deal with regarding my father, and I feel like I'm kind of lacking is something in terms of a comforting idea about it
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There's just nowhere for any of my thoughts or feelings to go
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and I've already been struggling with so much stuff lately
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mai
yeaaaaah hugs :C
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I just can't anymore
mai
I wish I could give you an easy answer
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I'm out of spoons, forks, knives, and straws.
mai
nods and hugs tight
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I'm on the verge of losing my job over schedule issues, my house is unlivable but still necessary to avoid homelessness, I can't finish school, my mental and physical health are terrible, I'm struggling to see my child because of the job stuff, I'm lonely and miserable, and my father is just... too much
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I just CAN'T
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all of this is just too much
mai
yeah. hugs tight
Edgedancer
papermint tiger
I'm so sorry you have to deal with all the shit descending upon you
The Fool
thanks