Gabiluzbad
bored so I did some orientation headcanons
Gabiluzbad
I dunno I just thought up a few and then thought "Why not do everyone?"
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Alphabetically
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Bastion: Robot - N/A
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D.Va: Straight
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Genji: Cyborg - Basically no sex drive
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Hanzo: Gay - The pretty ones are always gay
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Junkrat: Bi
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Lucio: Straight
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McCree: Straight shooting, straight loving
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Mei: Bi
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Mercy: Gay and thirsty for literally all the girls
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Pharah: Prefers men but open to experimentation
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Reaper: Evil
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Reinhardt: Only love is for JUSTICE
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Roadhog: Some questions are best left unanswered
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Soldier 76: Straight
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we don't talk about Roadhog and Junkrat
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Symmetra: Pan
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Torbjorn: Gay for Reinhardt, will never admit it
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Tracer: AroAce
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Widowmaker: Murdersexual
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Winston: Gorilla - N/A
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(I mean unless you know any OTHER superintelligent gorillas)
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Zarya: Gay but not super horny
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Zenyatta: Robot - N/A
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That is my take on it
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I think the only ones I really disagree with here is that I could see Junkrat being more pan on account of he just wouldn't really give a fuck about who's opposite him
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and I could see D.Va as kinda bi-curious
Gabiluzbad
She's young enough to still be figuring things out
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yeah
Gabiluzbad
And she was one of the last ones I figured out so it was less "I definitely feel this is the case" and more "Eh sure"
A Grinning DM
In that one short I kind of got the impression some robots were in romantic relationships with humans, which was leading to protests
Gabiluzbad
And Junkrat yeah sure I could see Pan
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also I approve of zarya having a low sex-drive because damn that just makes her one gigantic teddy bear and I can totally get behind that (blush)
Just Rakath
Yeah, I can see some of the NA are ace but romantic.
moontouched
let zenyatta be gay
Gabiluzbad
A Grinning DM : Oh yeah I forgot about that
moontouched
let the robot be gay
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she manages to keep mercy away from the medbay after over two days of no sleep by just cuddling her
Gabiluzbad
I maintain Bastion as N/A
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IT'S A WARM CUDDLY BEAR TRAP
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ALTERNATIVELY
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Tracer: "How'd you get her to finally konk out?"
Zarya: "Sleeper hold"
Mercy: Zzzzzzz...
moontouched
bastion doesnt have enough life experience or any concept of relationships with humans that doesnt involve them being terrified of him so he's a giant question mark imo
Gabiluzbad
But sure let's make Zenyatta Homoromantic/Asexual
Just Rakath
I can see Winston having a healthy romantic relationship with superintelligent robots/people, but it is strictly about an intellectual equal and witty science banter.
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"sleeper hold" (LOL)
Gabiluzbad
She says this from the comfy couch while Mercy is snoring in her lap
TWO OF THEM
bastion just wants friends it doesn't need romance
moontouched
bastion would really like people to stop screaming and throwing rocks at it please
TWO OF THEM
EXACTLY...
Gabiluzbad
Basically I started with Mercy
Gabiluzbad
because I liked her with Pharah but also liked her with Zarya and then thought 'You know what she just can't decide'
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"She wants to catch them all"
moontouched
also, incorrect, reaper's true love is gun
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And yet
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he always throws away his guns when he's done with them
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because he's evil
moontouched
that's because he has a neverending supply
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I mean you have characters like Pharah and Tracer who you know would be grumpy children in the medbay and how can you not be endeared to how they'd pout
moontouched
HE KEEPS USING AND THROWING THEM...BUT HE CANT QUIT THEM
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and then you have Actual Giant Teddy Bear Zarya
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what person who is attracted to girls wouldn't crush on all these dorks
Gabiluzbad
I can see Pharah being the one who's just like "Look it's just a few fractured ribs"
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"I'm fine"
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"I'll walk it off"
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oh yeah most definitely
Gabiluzbad
I can also see D.Va being the one who's all "IS IT BAD AM I DYING? AM I GOING TO BE ABLE TO WALK AGAIN? I'M TOO PRETTY TO DIE!"
moontouched
i'm laughing i just imagined bastion having 'training wheels' in new overwatch by just like. they get to sit around in medbay and help mercy
Gabiluzbad
"...You have a sprained ankle."
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I have a feeling Zarya probably pulls double-duty in the medbay to help Mercy keep these people with no self-preservation in here
moontouched
like pharah tries to get up and walk off her three broken ribs and bastions just like. blockading the door
moontouched
/STERN BEEPING
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mercy loves helping people and she cares about her team so damn much but please everyone just let her help you
Just Rakath
Look, Reaper's not looking for anything deep and meaningful with any of his guns.
Just Rakath
He just enjoys relationships with all the guns.
Gabiluzbad
Also for a little bit more specific
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Lucio: Crushing on Dva
Dva: Crushing on Hanzo
Hanzo: Gay and oblivious to it all
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Mei: vaguely nonserious flirting with everyone, doesn't realize that half the people who "respond jokingly" are actually sincere about it
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All of Overwatch: Idolizing Reinhardt from a distance
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With varying degrees of openness
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Junkrat and Roadhog: No one knows what the fuck is going on there
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And no one honestly really wants to
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like I said: we don't talk about Junkrat and Roadhog
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they're happy and we're happy not knowing
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that's all that matters
Gabiluzbad
Also gonna say that when Genji was fully human he was depressingly straight in all the worst ways
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Also I like the idea of Medical Assistant Bastion
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So let's expand on that a bit
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yesss
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Winston suggested it after finding Bastion
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Mercy is all "Wait I don't know about bringing a minigun into my sick bay"
Cold XC
I like this Mei headcanon
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And Winston retorts with a series of relentlessly logical and compassionate arguments about teaching Bastion about humans and making a bridge of trust until finally Mercy throws up her hands in surrender
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"Fine but I don't have to like it!"
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/muttering in german
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And then Bastion hits the perfect balance between "Effective aid" and "Amusingly incompetent" to slowly drive Mercy batty
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she makes them figure out a way to rig up his minigun so that it can be removed because darnit, she can understand that reasoning but STILL NO WEAPONS IN THE MEDBAY >:C
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okay but he tries and that stops her from ever being really upset at him
Gabiluzbad
Until one day when something happens and Bastion gets hurt
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And then suddenly Mercy realizes that she is freaking out because dammit it might be an incompetent robot sidekick but its HER incompetent robot sidekick
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she nearly loses it because MEDICAL EQUIPMENT DOESN'T WORK ON ROBOTS OH GOSH WHERE IS TORBJORN WHEN YOU REALLY NEED HIM
TemporalWolf
Super late to the party, but I saw this, and thought it relevant to this plurk:
Gabiluzbad
Torbjorn is, of course
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Everyone's grumpy but lovable grandpa
moontouched
also it probably gets real awkward in medbay for a while because naturally everyone in overwatch has a kneejerk reaction to seeing a bastion model puttering around
moontouched
ranging from "uhhh" to "...cute?" to "Oh god don't touch me"
Gabiluzbad
to "KILL IT"
moontouched
"NO WEAPONS IN MEDBAY" "BUT IT'S AN OMNIC" "YOU HURT ITS FEELINGS"
TemporalWolf
I'm also imagining Zenyatta showing up to perform Omnic-Human relations re: Bastion. Acting as a translator on occasion.
moontouched
bastion is like visibly drooping in a corner
Gabiluzbad
Oh another rule, no birds in the medbay
TWO OF THEM
the saddest beepboops
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Mercy doesn't hate birds
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but
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Meet the Medic
We don't want anything like THIS happening
TemporalWolf
They do the trust fall exercise and someone hurts themselves hitting their head on one of Bastion's corners or something.
moontouched
mercy lectures bastion on how medbay has to be sanitary and later you just see ganymede outside medbay chilling out and waiting for her robobuddy
Gabiluzbad
New headcanon TF2 Medic is Mercy's great grandpa
Cold XC
oh christ
TemporalWolf
ON ONE CONDITION
Cold XC
embarrassing family
TemporalWolf
Zarya is Heavy's granddaughter.
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as a compromise she sets up a nice lil nest for the bird right outside the medbay window
Gabiluzbad
Probably great granddaughter
TemporalWolf
That's what I meant
Gabiluzbad
since Overwatch is 2060s and TF2 is 1960s
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so bastion can still see it when he's "working" C:
TWO OF THEM
ugh i love bastion. it's my child
Gabiluzbad
c:
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ok but
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idea
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what if
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crossover
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Bastion meets Legion
TWO OF THEM
DDDOO NNOT
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I WILL CCRY
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see now that's the only time I could possibly see a Bastion ship. But of course it would be 100 percent innocent
TWO OF THEM
MY CHILDREN...!!!!!!!!!!
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PRECIOUS ROBOT SONS ....
TemporalWolf
Zenyatta and Legion need to meet so bad...
Gabiluzbad
Zenyatta needs to meed all the AIs
moontouched
SOBS
TemporalWolf
"Does this unit have a soul?" "Yes, brother. We all do."
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Cody get out
TemporalWolf
NEVER
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you come to my plurk
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STOP
moontouched
W OW
TemporalWolf
I GET ROBOFEELS TOO OKAY!?
TemporalWolf
/sobs
moontouched
THE SUFFERING IS REAL TODAY
Gabiluzbad
CHANGING SUBJECT
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OVERWATCH TRUSTFALL EXERCISE HOW MUCH OF A DISASTER IS THIS?
TemporalWolf
Reaper catches nobody.
Gabiluzbad
Winston has to team up with Reinhardt because each of them is the only one who can physically lift the other
TemporalWolf
Reinhardt squashes Torbjorn
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it's a group exercise when reinhardt is involved
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the only one who can do it alone is Zarya
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who apparently can canonly lift like half a ton
Gabiluzbad
oh right Zarya could totally lift both of them
Gabiluzbad
Maybe at once
moontouched
benchpresses reinhardt while everyone cheers, reinhardt is so fucking delighted
TemporalWolf
Something tells me the exercise would devolve into "Zarya Benchpresses Overwatch"
Gabiluzbad
Well
Gabiluzbad
Okay large gorillas can weigh up to 600 pounds
Gabiluzbad
And Winston is...pretty large
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So he might be a stretch for Zarya
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Anyone else tho
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Quick Bastion fans how much does he weigh?
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Pretty much
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Now I want art of Zarya armwrestling Gaston
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(And probably winning)
TemporalWolf
I want art of Zarya making Gaston cry
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all she has to do is out-flex him
TemporalWolf
Yup
Gabiluzbad
Weightlifting contest
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but
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also present to him the fact that all the girls in Overwatch either hero-worship her or wanna smooch her
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instead of weights they just have progressively larger benches covered with girls
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MUCH BETTER WITH THE LADIES THAN HE'LL EVER BE
Gabiluzbad
And yeah I think basically everyone in overwatch either wants to BE Zarya or wants to SCREW Zarya
TemporalWolf
Zarya just defacto wins after Dva shows up. With her mech.
Gabiluzbad
Wait no Zarya and Gaston both lose TO Dva's mech
TemporalWolf
ffff
Gabiluzbad
Tiny, scrawny little Korean girl with trophy while Zarya and Gaston sulk in the background
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scratch that: Gaston sulks, Zarya probably is laughing uncontrollably
TemporalWolf
The image brings a tear to my eye
TemporalWolf
Hell, Dva is probably on Zarya's shoulders with the trophy
Gabiluzbad
Okay here's one for McCree:
Gabiluzbad
He tries to act all cool and Clint Eastwood
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And it's become something of a contest among Overwatch to get him to lose it
Gabiluzbad
Until they realize that if you catch him off guard it's not...actually that hard
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meaning that Tracer absolutely loves messing with him
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considering how she can just pop in outta nowhere
Gabiluzbad
Shutting off the hot water while he's in the shower
moontouched
tracer exploits this hellishly
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And such
TemporalWolf
But first blood goes to Winston
TemporalWolf
Who bumps into McCree in the hallway, out of his armor, in the middle of the night
Gabiluzbad
ahahaha
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ahahaha oh dear
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Oh but Winston and Torbjorn trying to share a tech lab and work together
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until Winston realizes that Torbjorn is super fussy about keeping everything neat and in it's place
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And Winston is...not
TemporalWolf
"Where did you put my hammer!?" "Oh I was using it over there." "BUT THE HOLDER IS OVER HERE!"
TemporalWolf
God can we just get a sitcom of Overwatch sharing a living space?
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Two more thoughts while I was cooking
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1: Widowmaker and Reaper probably don't live with everyone else
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since they're out being evil
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but sometimes they get captured for a few days before they inevitably escape
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2: TIME TO MAKE SOME SNORING HEADCANON
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How about general sleeping headcanons instead
TemporalWolf
Winston is super picky about the kind of peanutbutter he gets. /sagenod
Gabiluzbad
Probably prefers creamy
moontouched
does winston snore, i feel like he would snore
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I'm almost done with the list of my interpretation
Gabiluzbad
Just need to figure out Zarya
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Bastion: CPU cooling fan makes noise that sounds remarkably like snoring while in sleep mode
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D.Va: pretty much silent, sleeps like the dead, glares at everyone in the morning.
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Genji: Ninja quiet, light sleeper
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Hanzo: Ninja quiet, light sleeper
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Junkrat: You know that really obnoxious inconsistant snoring that it's impossible to get used to because the timing is never the same?
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Lucio: Takes naps in weird places constantly. How the hell did he get on top of that light fixture in the first place?
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McCree: Sleeps lightly, snores loudly, doesn't care.
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Mei: Deep sleeper, adorable little snores
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Mercy: Stays up for days on end then crashes horribly. Snores majestically, then denies it later
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Pharah: Soldier. Falls asleep quickly. Wakes up quickly. Can sleep through anything if she puts her mind to it.
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Reaper: No one ever catches him sleeping. Who knows how he does it.
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Reinhardt: The loudest snorer in all of Overwatch. People two rooms away wear earplugs
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Roadhog: Take a fucking guess
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Soldier 76: See Pharah
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Symmetra: Silent sleeper. HEAVY sleeper. Someone once thought she was actually dead
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Torbjorn: Like Mercy but without denying the snoring.
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Tracer: Goes to bed late. A zombie in the morning until she's had coffee. Sometimes snores.
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Widowmaker: Ninja quiet, light sleeper
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Winston: Not quite as loud as Reinhardt, but he makes up for it by moving around and talking in his sleep a lot.
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Zenyatta: Doesn't sleep
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Zarya: ?????
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I don't have any ideas for her
Cold XC
Probably takes pretty good care of herself so I imagine she gets enough at least?
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This is true she is an athlete
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Bed at a reasonable hour
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Up early
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Big breakfast
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