hhhh brain has finally found a thought to fixate on instead of bouncing between 12 million things, and unfortunately it's 'what if I die and nothing I have done matters and all my fics go unwritten and all my thoughts go unremembered' and it's very distracting

why? fuck knows. part of it is mystery pain I thought had sorted itself out has mysteriously returned. part of it is probably like, part of this odd series of Sads I've been feeling lately.

do not know why brain has decided to go DOOM DOOM WHAT IF PETTY MORTALITY MATTERS NOT DOOM about it tho

You gotta make you that brain appointment my friend! The mortality spiral is a pretty classic symptom.

like brain please. I am trying to write one whole tag. can I just write this one tag

I had it constantly until I found the right meds

it's on the docket for monday, bc I remembered it's part of therapy homework and I just. haven't gotten around to it

monday also needs to be finally rescheduling my new dentist appt, and monday may also be trying to get in my doc's office for an ultrasound if the mystery pain has not re-resolved itself /jazzhands

ohhhhh and now we're crying, okay self aight c'mon now get it the fuck out of your system so I can write words, fucks sake, clearly I was due for a cry

something something irregularly scheduled body maintenance

I've had that like... multiple times in the past few weeks, turns out my tsh levels are all fucked up

ohhh yeah I know what that's like

super funny you should say that given I'm upping my thyroid meds lol

and now I've actually looked at my bloodwork results for this year and BOY my tsh was high before I got on meds. it's still technically high hence upping my meds but boy howdy it def went down by a good bit since starting

I did it I did the one (1) tag I have been meaning to do all day

'is it for any of your games' shhhhhhhhhhhut

Ok so... when my wife was dealing with her gallbladder being fucked up, it was over the course of about 10-15 years of her health just getting consistently more and more fucked up, right? So... I dunno it kinda taught me something about mortality, and namely it’s that... you just kinda gotta take risks and put yourself out there. Or else you are miserable.

and specifically the unfulfilled kind of miserable.

so like. idk my method around this feeling now is posting an unfinished fic that no one else will care about on ao3, or doing the oh-so-risky task of making a new friend (you were one of these checklist items once upon a time), or even just. "fuck it i'm allowed to take a guilt free day off"

life is short and it is precious and the real truth is "i'm here for a good time not a long time" is gospel: the whole point of life is enjoying yourself, that is what fulfillment is. that is also what being remembered is when you realize people naturally flock to people they enjoy the company of: humans are naturally pleasure-seekers!!!

also less philosophically, you have too many friends to go unremembered, dumbass

if I die before I finish some of these mi fics you gotta make some of those ao3 tags a reality for me

you know I would

we're TOO BIG BRAINED

Me at the back row of your funeral furiously writing MI/RvB crossover fic through my tears

I MEAN TBF I HOPE YOU DO THAT EVEN WHEN I'M NOT DEAD SO YOU PLAY IN THIS VERY STUPID VERY SPECIFIC BIG BRAINED SPACE

Sit my ass down for a rvb rewatch sometime and I’ll make it happen

/gestures to John/Harry fic that is entirely self indulgent
Sometimes you gotta post the fic and write the thing for no one but yourself. Do what makes you happy. Do the tags that make you happy. Write what you want to write.