Well. That didn't fix it. Anyone have a spare fan they can send me? Looks like my old system (which is, granted, something like 14 years old) is not compatible.
So, I do have a backup machine. I fixed the almost 15 year old machine. I'd bought a new hard drive for it before I decided to just outright replace it and now I have a working version of linux. There's no wifi, so I'll have to figure out how to get cables working or get the BFF to help me move stuff in the sewing room, but at least there's a backup.
• Additional holes for LGA1200 compatible cooling systems are also available on ASUS’ Intel® 600 series motherboards, however, we still strongly advise consulting with your cooling system vendor or manufacturer on the compatibility and functionality of the cooling system.
Took some doing because I didn't realize there was a backplate, but I figured it out eventually and replaced it. I also took off the fan in the back and the radiator and cleaned those out. It helped drop the temperature a little, but the temp is only reasonable when I have nothing but Firefox open.
Well, Firefox, Discord, Obsidian. Those kinds of programs idle out at low to mid-40s. I can't do gaming any more on the machine. That's when it hits the high temperature and then refuses to come back down, even when the game is off.
LGA1700 compatible cooling
system on an Intel® 600 series
motherboard.
compatible cooling systems
are also available on ASUS’
Intel® 600 series motherboards,
however, we still strongly advise
consulting with your cooling
system vendor or manufacturer
on the compatibility and
functionality of the cooling
system.
compatible cooling systems
cannot be installed to this
motherboard