God. I got my PIP document. It’s incredible how truly fucked I am. They are going to fire me; it’s inevitable. I better fucking find a job in the next three months and get the fuck out of dodge.
I think I’m going to have to let go a ton of my extra responsibilities. My primary focus has to be my work. I’m going to step down from my volunteer position with the charity. I just won’t have time now.
I am having a truly terrible time. I’ve been high key panicking ever since Wednesday. I kind of just want to die. This is the worst. I hate everything so much. My best is simply not sufficient.
At some point I’m going to have a bit of a menty b and someone is going to have to restrain me from quitting on the spot, mostly because I won’t get unemployment if I quit. But the pressure makes me feel so fucking bad. I’m not coping well at all.
You're just not in the right place yet. It's not that there is anything wrong, it just isn't the right fit right now. You will eventually find a place where you can thrive and that will support your needs and where you won't feel that pressure.
I’m just sad and angry and stressed and anxious. This is all my fault. I’ve been such a fuckup for so long. I’m actually considering trying to get put on permanent disability because I am clearly not cut out for working. It will be extremely meager to live on and I’m just not sure I care anymore. Anything but the disappointment in everyone’s eyes.
Just a lil Mesi
: HNTB has BEEN supportive. I’m just an incredible fuckup and wrecked everything anyway. HR even brought it up during the PIP meeting. That my accommodations are there to help me succeed but they don’t seem to be enough for how much work I miss. Like.
You're not a fuck-up. You might have a few more needs than others, and your abilities and talents aren't what would be traditionally valued in a workplace. But there is nothing wrong with seeing to your health and own well being before a job.
if your body is literally not working with u then it's not your fault and anyone who is 'disappointed' in u for not being able to contribute at the exact same pace and quantity as someone w/o your health issues is not worth listening to. rahhh!!!
I did though! I was so careless and repeatedly took advantage. I’ve been completely unreliable as an employee and colleague. The PIP is fucking brutal to read and it is exactly correct about everything. There’s just no way I don’t have any culpability here. It truly is my fault for being so lackadaisical.
Like. I acknowledge this is entirely because of my poor health. That’s true. But that doesn’t absolve me of responsibility for my tasks, or of being utterly untrustworthy.
Claire and Mesi basically said everything I could, and I'm really sorry you have to go through this. It sucks, but don't take too much fault with it, Pip, you can get through this.
Thank you guys for your support and incredibly kind words... I’m just in a bad place and don’t know how I’m going to recover. The next three months are going to be terrible. If I even make it three months; they can terminate my employment at any time.
Just focus on one step at a time, pick the easiest thing to fix and start with that. Things aren't going to change over night, and it will take time, but do not sabatage or belittle yourself. You're a person, we're imperfect, and sometime we mess up and make mistakes. Sometimes we don't do what we need, but when we realize that, we can correct it.
You are a wonderful person and you are just in a rough place, cry if you need to, take care of yourself, and just do what you can to keep moving forward. Sometimes that has to be enough and is all that we can do.
I’m definitely catastrophizing. I’m in that space where I’m just completely certain everything is ruined forever. Logically I know that’s not true but my feelings have yet to get the message.
You already know I think you're great, and I'm not going to belabor that point, because I also know how dissonant and demoralizing it can also feel to try to take in what your friends (which you have for good reasons, on account of being a good friend yourself) are telling you and reconcile it with your own, more critical self-assessment and what your
But I will say that you've clearly got people who will be here for you and will continue to remind you, day by day, what is true, which is that you're a worthy and worthwhile person, whatever you end up doing or ends up happening
Woof. Yeah, I know, bud. Thank you. If I know myself at all the anxiety and doomerism will come and go for at least a few weeks. If I end up getting good feedback from Lisa I’ll feel at least a little better.
try and refocus from "i am a fuckup" to "i have fucked up" bc there is a HUGE difference. maybe you made mistakes and they can be fixed and worked on. that's a thing you can say! but that doesnt define you either. you are not your mistakes
𝔪𝔢𝔪𝔢𝔫𝔱𝔬💀𝔪𝔬𝔯𝔞𝔶
: I wish my feeling brain was picking up what you’re putting down because you’re totally right but my temptation is still to be as mean to myself as humanly possible
This is all seriously tied up with years of trauma associated with being disabled and not being able to do things or get things done. It’s not just this incident, it’s EVERY TIME I’ve gotten in trouble weighing on me. I’ve been fired twice because of my poor health. This, with HNTB, will make three times. You start to believe you’re the problem.
Logically I know this is unfair of me towards my own self. It’s unnecessarily mean self-torture. I just find it super hard to crawl back out of the suicidal ideation hole once I’ve fallen in there.
(I want to reassure you guys that I’ll be okay; I don’t have any plans to hurt myself. My brain is just chanting “I want to die” at me like it’s the fucking background track of my life rn lol)
sits here. maybe what you need to do is not try to calm down right now but instead to find time to let yourself feel as reasonably scared and upset as you feel right now
it might not be your fault, but it IS stressful and scary. your feelings and the way your body wants to feel and let go of those feelings are an important part of handling that stress.
you dont have to rush to be reasonable or to try and fix that self loathing. it is okay to feel disappointed in yourself fot a little while and then come bacm to that feeling once all the bad is out. so take some time for you, be patient with your feelings, and let them pass. don't try to escape them or to predict what you have to do to get through without
it's okay that you don't feel your best after something bad happened. I hope you get to work through that feeling so it doesn't weigh down on you when you are ready to do all the things I know you're capable of doing to handle the situation.
I don't have much to add to everything that has been said, but you have people who love you, all of you, unconditionally. You are wonderful and amazing. So do what you need for your mental health, whatever that looks like.
ƙιɱ ԃσƙʝα
yeah I know. It's REALLY HARD for me too. But like someone up there said -- would I talk to someone I care about the way I'm talking to myself?
WWWWWAAAAAAHHHHHHH DONT TURN MY SHIT AROUND ON MEEEEE 😭😭😭😭😭