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chronically ill plurk what do you do when you don't feel you're doing "enough"
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like I finished 2 comms and advanced one today and that just took a couple of hours (around 4 I think?) between getting distracted etc and it just doesn't feel like enough
🍉 catipede
im constantly frustrated thinking I should be doing more and in theory I could be
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but I don't because I physically can't bring myself to and I'm in pain and have a migraine so this is like. incredibly unpleasant already
L'fuckingChaim
ask yourself if you would say that to someone else who was doing less than you
L'fuckingChaim
"physically can't bring myself to" sure does sound like a longer way of saying "can't"
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L'fuckingChaim
: 😭 you came for my soul rn cynga but you're right, I guess I'm just tired of being "lazy" I want to be done with my queue and take on more work and shit but like that's intensely unrealistic and I don't know how to get it through my head
🍉 catipede
like yesterday ALL I DID was clean the litter boxes and wash a place my cats had an accident in and I had air starvation the entire ass time, my husband witnessed it I could NOT breathe and moving was incredibly distressful
L'fuckingChaim
I know, I feel the same way a LOT
🍉 catipede
not like painful, just very "uhhhh i dont wanna moooooveeeee" to the point of stress
✿Oli❁Shine✿
yeah, 95% of the time it's stopping myself all but physically and going "is that what you would think/say about your friend in this situation"
🍉 catipede
the problem is that while I wouldn't judge another person for it and in fact would encourage professionals and rest, I somehow think I'm just different and not trying hard enough
L'fuckingChaim
I knowwww fucking BRAINS
✿Oli❁Shine✿
yup! that's the whole problem :') we are incredibly good at holding ourselves to much higher standards than others
🍉 catipede
and moving the goalpost!!!!!!
🍉 catipede
"oh wow I helped my friend with her things irl, ordered food, washed the dishes, helped clean and gave her food, and then I finished 2 comms and advanced another one. I HAVENT DONE ENOUGH"
✿Oli❁Shine✿
sometimes (but not always) going through "what makes you expected to manage this that doesn't also apply to your friend, other than 'it's us'?"
🍉 catipede
like dude
✿Oli❁Shine✿
helps*
L'fuckingChaim
unfortunately kind of by definition disability means we aren't...doing as much as we want to be
🍉 catipede
both true but also "what if it's just me being lazy"
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cycle of frustration 😭
🍉 catipede
nobody thinks I'm actually disabled either so I'm just drowning
✿Oli❁Shine✿
my one+ question cycle for "am I being lazy" is "do I want to do this"
pastel ranma
So been there. Society makes us feel lazy, but we literally have barriers other people do not have to deal with.
✿Oli❁Shine✿
because if the answer is yes, but you still can't, you're not being lazy
✿Oli❁Shine✿
and no one telling you otherwise matters
🍉 catipede
✿Oli❁Shine✿
: ..... a good point I hadn't thought of
pastel ranma
We're dealing with daily life with one hand metaphorically tied behind our backs.
✿Oli❁Shine✿
and if your answer to that question is "yes, but-" you're also not being lazy
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pastel ranma
: on one hand I thankfully don't care about society, on the other I experienced enough violence that not I can thet it thru my skull that I'm not being lazy. it's a cycle of frustrating thought spirals tbh
L'fuckingChaim
yeah that's another thing that helps sometimes: I remember how BADLY I want to do things I'm not doing
🍉 catipede
I WANNA DRAW AND KEEP UP MAINTAINING THE HIUSE!!!! WHY CANT I JUST DO IT!!!!!!!
🍉 catipede
oh my god sorry I destroyed that comment LOL
✿Oli❁Shine✿
yeah, like I wanted to get out of bed yesterday for... god, probably 4 or 5 hours. sat there talking myself up to it like oh we can do this and this and this... just could not get through the misery brain and actually climb out of bed
🍉 catipede
it's misery
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I virtually slept through almost all of today
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yesterday* sorry
🍉 catipede
I need a nap
✿Oli❁Shine✿
yeah, and it really is like... we are spending our energy on tasks that other people don't even accept as tasks, and then they get to label us as lazy?
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✿Oli❁Shine✿
: no, like, actually. I was telling my irl friend my biggest problem and struggle are taking out the trash and doing the dishes and SHE HELPS ME and it makes me feel so horrible and baffled, like it's not guilt, idk what it is, why are you helping me that's my obligation??? but she sees it as completely normal
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and id do the same for her and more it's just the fact she's helping ME as if somehow I'm not deserving of help on things that make me insane
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and then she kept apologizing for eating without me when I was so happy to feed her when she needed it???
🍉 catipede
disabled people will do anything but accept they need help
✿Oli❁Shine✿
we sure will, we've been trained well :')
papermint tiger
alas, our brains are the best at putting us down
papermint tiger
imposter syndrome my beloathed
bean check
I'm still struggling with that myself, but I've had a bit of success by turning relaxation into a "task", at least. like "oh it's midnight but i haven't done enough BUT i gotta meditate or read for a little bit before i can do anything else"
bean check
and then after doing that i feel more wound down and it's a little easier to just go to bed or move on to the next thing or whatever i need to do
bean check
as for the more overarching "i'm not pulling enough of my weight in society" uhhhh i'm stuck there too unfortunately
nevecore
this whole plurk is so real...
nevecore
i try to keep things like this in mind which is still!! hard!!!
nevecore
but maybe if we tell ourselves over and over and read it over and over it'll sink in and rewrite the part of our brains that society's expectations fucked up
✿Oli❁Shine✿
holds stella's hand!!!
nevecore
✿Oli❁Shine✿
: holds your hand tightly!!!
Ziri✖O
Can't sleep from the pain I'm in but I want you to know that in my heart I'm holding your hand in solidarity
unoiled snake
commiserating with others who understand is a great start actually
unoiled snake
because ugh I've been in this pit just recentl
unoiled snake
*y
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bean check
: relaxation being a task might encourage me to procrastinate more ):
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nevecore
: I am trying so hard to think like this I swear
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Ziri✖O
: 
I hope your pain explodes a million times and never bothers you again
I hope your pain explodes a million times and never bothers you again
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unoiled snake
: yeah I'm struggling istg
nevecore
it's hard to undo years of conditioning
nevecore
i struggle at it too
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nevecore
: on God. yeah. I tend to realize maybe I am far more traumatized than I think
Ziri✖O
luckily my migraines aren't bugging me today and my back pain is a bit better!!!
nevecore
hugs you a lot!!!