because Jedao is sort of like, right outside the doorway looking in at Sebastian and Johann, he could have had that life, was made for that life, and yet was capable of giving it up which means he never deserved it
he understand the appeal!!! and like, on the one hand he sacrificed it because Morals but he really doesn't want Gaining Morals to fuck that up for them!!! and Ciel isn't great but he's not Kujen
and he also really likes...feeling like he's someone who Gets things about him, that there are so many arenas where Sebastian is more frank with him than most people (ie, I'm Here To Be Polite How Soon Can I Leave at the birthday party, etc)
they've very rarely talked about it because it's kind of a psychic third rail for both of them, but that idea of like...how many millennia of losing mortal loved ones is it going to take before we stop caring and turn into the monsters we've defined ourselves as Not Being
and what an inexpressible, miraculous gift that his Heat Death Buddy System Buddy is also profoundly kind, earnest, insightful, affectionate, extremely sexy
John being mad at him rattled him really badly and he hasn't really fully dealt with that; there's some Real Life Lessons in there that he's not ready to unpack, but is also not tossing out
he does think John is a little too nice sometimes. because Jedao is a bitch. but he loves him for it and understands needing to tread carefully when your feet are made of eldritch nukes
one day someone will teach him a middle ground between putting up with everything and tearing your asshole out (sometimes literally) and he'll be unstoppable
he was self-aware enough to know that he was absolutely projecting and dissociating and panicking and couldn't treat Florian like that, so he pulled way back, even though he's extremely attracted to him
but then when Florian was dealing with the weird nebulous and yet present power dynamics as an inmate in a way that was completely unlike how Kujen would, frank and forthright and aggravated but also brusque and professional and fair
it really made him stop short and feel like. okay i gotta get over myself, because I have a duty to this guy just like every other inmate, and apparently most other wardens are also fucking it up, i can't trust them to take up the slack
jedao still feels a little weird and squirmy sometimes like...not thinking about how he was Made To Like This, Probably, but he also genuinely likes and admires Florian so much
Not to mention that thread where Sebastian was like "I'm not good company right now", and allowed himself to not be good company in Jedao's presence. Yes, he definitely allows Jedao more glimpses into his inner life than he does most others.
anyway now he's very much kicking himself for not trying for a threesome earlier even though he knows it would have been a terrible idea at the time - not only bc of his own headspace, but also florian and johann being far more suspicious of self-serving wardens back then
Jedao and Max conversely!!! he is awkward around Max in no small part because he just. doesn't know what to give him that will make him happy (instead of more suspicious)
he feels some kinship with max and also some responsibility to watch out for him in re: Justine/Max but also isn't sure where the line is between that and respecting him as an adult
he...I think actively wants worship from max in a way he appreciates but normally doesn't seek out from others, specifically because max made ritual offerings to the entity
but he's so used to being ignored and unwanted and unpreferred by his mom/the universe/the darre/etc that he's always holding himself back from "being too greedy/grasping" and actually asking because if he was good enough max would choose him on his own, probably
...and that, well, he knows in his head he ought to call Kahl, but in his chest he's still getting over the idea that he has to do everything by himself or someone'll hurt him
speed will help!!! he's also already so mad because he was already quietly planning to go after ashton over her eating zerxus without permission. and now he has JOHN GUARDS ALL THE TIME
Kahl and Vincent I don't want to say that Kahl has written Vincent off exactly, but he does very much clock the 'done with gods™' vibe and is like....holding back from investing a ton of hope in vincent even though he's catnip
Zerxus is also protective of him/wants to nurture him, but their values are so opposed that there's a little bit of exasperation on both sides where they respect each other but not always each other's choices
...Kahl, honey, Vincent isn't done with gods. He's done with his god. If you gave him a good offer and promised to protect him, he'd sign up so fast your head would spin.
it's almost a kind of big brother/little brother relationship? not in a nuclear family sense but in a loose-knit Sibling Minor Gods who want to look out for each other but one is a little more mature and worldly but they're both petty bitches kind of way
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I think Laura kind of got him burned for that - she liked him a bit but she never EVER would have let herself rely on him I don't think. and so he kind of withdrew
he's also still kind of figuring things out - he WANTS to protect his people but he's not the god of protection. he's still figuring out how that can work for him
and that especially gets into Kahl's head because HE GETS IT, but also being trapped alone in the specific way he was makes astarion less catnip to him and more crack cocaine. and he just can't have it!!!!
I think in the future he's got to be able to get to the more nuanced 'for some people vengeance is a discrete part of their life. and once it's DONE, they can move on
and until he gets there he really craves the way she dotes on him. he likes getting affection as a little kitty but curling up in Justine's arms for pets and getting cooed over is extra good
and it's interesting to me the ways that he's had to approach his three inmates, the way they needed different levels of pushing and confrontation and hard lines, but also how much all of them have needed him to just...listen and be patient and keep asking until he understands
Iago is a bit of a mystery to him and he won't be SHOCKED whenever he finds out some of the unhingedness that's going on in there but he's genuinely having so much fun with their pack and forth - they know the language, they're playing the game but also talking about real things and he's so into it, and he's SO into Iago being perceptive enough
he was also like,,, 'awww he's good tho' when Iago didn't take advantage of him during Drugs, and then DELIGHTED to find they're compatibly kinky. v excited to see where else it goes
Mikodez isn't afraid of him because he is confident in his own ability to manage Jedao; Jedao isn't not afraid of Mikodez because he's like. a smart enough tiger to know that even though this human put him in a nicer yard, he knows he doesn't know what's going on or what he could decide next
he's grateful to mikodez and on balance would guess he's a decent guy since he was willing to throw in with the compact in the end but he doesn't like spending time with him
because the permanent never-sincerity is so thick and it's like. he feels obligated to play along rather than be a tantruming toddler about it for no reason and just embarrass himself but like...playing the game and NOT getting any sincerity ever just feels like
this horrible meeting where you evaluate whether I'm about to snap and make me eat disgusting candy and smile and chit chat about my house arrest nature documentary playlist COULD HAVE JUST BEEN A SURVEILLANCE REPORT
Jedao being smug about Iago is both so good and very warranted. He is also very excited to see where this goes and Justine will coo SO HARD about Kahl any time he wants
Jedao and Aerith Jedao respects Aerith very much. he simultaneously thinks that he understands her better than most people on board, and thinks that there's a LOT he's not seeing of her
it would be 10% less excruciating now because he doesn't have to think about how much is a reasonable amount for a human to dislike this candy while simultaneously hating it so much
and he knows mikodez being Basically Good in his goals doesn't mean mikodez won't fuck him over so it doesn't matter!!!! he still has to be on his guard forever for the sake of the moths and it's just kind of. really sad that mikodez IS the very best of the worst, by a mile
it's genuinely deeply sad that mikodez's bar in hell standard of 'if the cost benefit works out you can offer some help' is something people are like 'sounds very fake'
so it's very ugly and messy for him and he desperately wants to let that show not at all because that's his BOSS who is the all time champ of not letting it show
he thinks that he's amusing and that Mikodez is pleased to have, like...a version of shuos jedao successfully muzzled. not in a cruelty way but in a....gut level satisfaction that my Most Annoyed Historical Figure is now the rehab tiger in my insta posts
he thinks she's genuinely incredibly resilient and kind. he also thinks she has some deep bad habits around erasing herself and blaming herself as a way to create safety (no one can exploit your vulnerabilities if you fade into the background as generic Nice and not a person) and agency (if it's her fault she's not helpless, she can fix it)
and he's pretty sure that even the people who know her from her home world don't call her out on it much, because she's been so surprised every time he's done it
he consistently asks her opinion about 65% because he genuinely appreciates her insight and judgement (rare!) and 35% because he thinks people appreciate her for her Niceness a lot but her judgement and intuition a lot less!!! and she should know that there is more to her that is valuable than Nurturing Others
he's not necessarily dedicating himself to that project because he knows he can't haul her up out of that idea of herself unless she WANTS to emerge. but he can throw her some rope. point out that the sky looks nice out here
anyway he's not totally sure how to relate to someone who doesn't have any inklings of unhinged capacity for violence (Eiffel glomped onto him and did all the hard work, so that was fine) so they aren't quite to Friends, but he's not opposed to the idea
they just...he recognizes that they're both deeply into the instinct of Not Imposing On People. and that's not what friendship is, actually. so there's some tilting his head trying to crack this friendship like a puzzle, just a bit
in his universe he is the 4th of 4 known immortals: 1) the sadistic architect of the thousand year torture empire 2) his completely mind-shattered pet 3) his only partially mind-shattered mass murderer/hunting hound who Jedao is a replacement copy of 4) Jedao himself
and shortly after he got to the barge, castlevania!Dracula made a maudlin philosophy post about how being long-lived makes it easy to dismiss and devalue short mortal lives
and he hated that so much!!! because it felt like...being told that he was doomed to fall into the same habits, that he was just naive and when he grew up he'd also be an asshole
so even though he's very smart and mature in most ways. in some ways he's still got that childhood thing of 'that one thing someone says is a little splinter that stays in your brain forever'
and he's like. does she REALLY love him. or does she just love that she happened to hook up with someone who loves EVERYONE, and she enjoys BEING loved. but does she know him at all??????
he's not jealous that she's also banging him or even romantic with him but he IS jealous that she's magic enough to also go to carcosa and do weird shit there. and he doesn't know how immortal her immortality is and he did not expect to have a third person at the end of the time as his in-law and he didn't sign up for this!!! he's not thinking about it he's
all of which is shoved down into a little box because she's lovely probably!!! Arthur adores her (even though she decided to be an ass to him!!! :/ ) so probably she's great. and she's an inmate and he has a duty to offer her grace and the benefit of the doubt and to deal with her on her own terms
and it's this weird catch-22 of like...he can't let it go because he hasn't had anywhere to just express and acknowledge it, but also he can't let himself do that because he knows its nonsense and he SHOULD let it go
lmao yes that is basically it with Jedao and Sokie she's just like...he has good taste in liking John before having a body, seems quiet??? maybe he should come over for dinner???
which he is doing on purpose!!! like he generally does not want to make his hangups her problem, because he is trying to behave like a reasonable adult
and there can be a shallowness to that? which there is nothing wrong with lots of people enjoy it. but generally he doesn't, at least not solely for its own sake
he spent his extremely formative years as a pariah with the face and name of his society's most infamous mass murderer and traitor just hated and distrusted by basically everyone
except for the glitterbombing etc arthur, and he's mostly trying to reserve judgement on that because knows W/I things are probably deep shit he has no context for
and it IS a catch 22 because like, if she is just holding herself apart because she doesn't want to be sincere and vulnerable then fuck that!!! and john deserves better!!!! but also. if she is holding herself apart for extremely good and sympathetic reasons because this is what centuries of surviving DOES to you
yeah there would be...quite the conversation if he came up to her about the immortality (and what makes her immortality different) and what it could mean for his future
which he IS perceptive and intuitive and empathic enough to be forcibly ejected from that self-centered concept of her and into fully seeing her as a person if he actually spends much time with her
jedao tries very very hard to treat people kindly but he does very much have an unhinged Space KGB assassin's lightly laundered soul tying itself into knots on occasionally on the inside
him figuring that out (her dropping her feelings to manage others) will be a good step for him - right now he sort of suspects that the Mandatory Light and Breezy means that when the people attracted to how vivacious and charming she is actually need something from her she'll ditch them for getting Too Real
(xie lian's last words to jedao would've been, 'i believe you know that immortality doesn't automatically make someone into a dick so it can be really irritating when people trying to get away with it!' but impolite so went with 'i love you and have fun')
he wanted to make Jedao his happy pet!!! he would have made sure he never wanted anything!! forever!!! but Jedao couldn't let him keep running a torture empire that hurt everyone else
but deep down Jedao has that little nub in his soul that's like. you can't ever have anyone you aren't willing to cut off, if worst comes to worst. and he's willing to be vulnerable anyway!! but also -
which means he never deserved itmarried outisn't his sort of employee mikodez might manage to say something more honestly because he isn't a piece any moreliked it before it was coolhad a giant crush on John before he had conventionally hot human muscles"