All the things he went through were just a little bit too harsh. It was excessive but just gave him the right amount of pain that he thought he could hang in there for just a bit. Just a bit longer. Stay. Stay so there will be light at the end of the tunnel.
Stay so one day he’d prove himself right. He by no means ever longed to be a righteous man. Until someone made him. A young man was there. Leiden was at the end of the line, trying to figure out how to make his first prayer independently. He saw those crystal-blue eyes staring at him.
That’s the man. The man who wouldn't speak a word for years. The man who would later preach to every living being on the Ark. The man who would whisper the words of obscene and somehow make them the holiest of all holies (if that’s a thing). Leiden has always been regretful of how he decided to go talk to the man on that sunny afternoon.
It was a simple what’s-up kind of conversation, but what Leiden didn’t know was the man who was about the same age as him had later become the vice of the whole Ark, and those blue eyes would be following him ever since.
He watched as the younger man grew taller, taller than himself in a year or two, and began to open his mouth. Precisely, to speak in front of the public. As if he wasn’t allowed to do so before his head reached 6 feet high.
The only question Leiden had was whether those blue eyes were looking for him or he himself was the one who was chasing them. He never thought too deeply and decided to drop the question after he first saw the blonde man wearing the mozzetta.
He was too beautiful it was hard to look at him without any levels of owe. Such a man should never be given such power since destroying the Ark or the whole world would be so easy for him. All he had to do was to lift his fingers, and his people would kill for him. Leiden saw this in him ever since he had the mozzetta on. And it was not a metaphor.
He saw Leiden in the crowds and decided to walk to him as if it was the same sunny afternoon. The same mild sun, the same wind blowing on their faces, just this time it was the blond who chose to shorten the distance. Of course, and just how they were dressing differently.
Leiden was in his uniform. It was his second day serving in the military. They call themselves Unity Order. "Unity" and "Order" going together just sound way too robotic. He remembered Schau complaining about this. He didn't get it in the first place but somehow just when he saw the blond again, he made sense out of it in his mind in complete silence.
"You were the person who walked to me. Asked me how I was." Misericorde squeezed his eyes shut after he noted this in a low voice, and Leiden couldn't tell the meaning behind this.
"...What? What was that?" Leiden was lost in his own head, haunted by many thoughts (which was extremely rare). How Unity Order seemed like a weird name, how Misericorde looked too good for this, how he had just become the man's subordinate, or how he might need to kill for him in the future. For Misericorde.
"I remember you from that afternoon, and many more ever since. You were staring at me all the time." He said in a slightly teasing tone, knowing that Leiden couldn't possibly tell his intention, "You should consider to be... more subtle."
What is "subtle"? Leiden tried to repress the urge of asking this. All he did was to nod his head goodbye. He didn't refute the first part of his statement. He was so sure that sometimes it was Misericorde looking at him.
He was so upset about not being able to refute that he almost forgot-- it was the first time that he heard Misericode's voice in a casual scene after that afternoon. Ever since that, their eyes meeting up were the only channel for conversation.
After that there were the years. The years where he got beaten and tortured as a soldier, and where he got used to all of it. He has become a good frontline soldier who was not afraid of death. Who had an unbreakable body, soul, mind, and what can be interpreted as loyalty. Leiden has it all, and Misericorde saw this in him ever since he had his uniform on.
There was this question in him when he saw the short man come back from the battlefield: How far can he go? How much can he take? So he took him into his bedroom. He needed to prove that all these could be a way of living; he needed someone who's alive; he needed to see the light in Leiden's eyes. He needed it.
That might be the light at the end of the tunnel. As for how Leiden took it, he never had a clue. Sometimes Leiden is just a barking dog, sometimes a soldier in owe. Sometimes freedom of soul embodied, sometimes just a man with a strong heartbeat, a son of a mother.
There was a period of tension where they don't talk. What broke the silence was Leiden's question. "You know a lot of times it was you looking at me, right?" He was cleaning himself up, washing away the scent of the other man. The tension softened as Misericorde kissed his lips.
The blond was scared at that moment. That he needs Leiden more than Leiden needs him. / Leiden knew that he did this out of fear. The moment he was taken to the blond man's bedroom and stripped himself naked, he knew it was fear.
It was painful to admit that his biggest fear was Misericorde. With all the years gone by, what he saw in Misericorde has become a reality. He is a soldier who would risk his life for the Ark; now he doesn't know what his job was for anymore. He seemed to be dying for nothing. Or worse, for Misericorde.
So he had plenty of reasons to be outraged when he first saw the look on Misericorde's face in the bedroom. The blond man looked so innocent, so clueless, as if he didn't know what's going on in the other man's mind. As if there's no fear in their intimacy, there's no regret and loath.
As if he thought it was real. What between them was real. That fear and disgust grew every day he saw him, and one day he decided to talk. Silence was not good enough anymore. He needed to see him suffer. He needs to see Misericorde suffering from the truth.
"You know a lot of times it was you looking at me, right?" Leiden was a soldier who knows what fear smells like. He saw Misericorde's face falls like never before. Like a man who saw the reaper, he was scared. The blond man kissed him. As if it was real.
He then realized this is what he liked in Misericorde. The man was a fucking coward who couldn't bear the truth to a level where he could shut his mouth with a kiss. This is what Leiden liked in him. This might be the light at the end of the tunnel.
Years pasted, the Ark collapsed and Misericorde is now the target of all mankind; Leiden is the righteous man who shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness. Holding a gun against his forehead. The evil in front of him ready to be executed. He just couldn't pull the trigger.
Conversation no longer needed. He looked into the blue eyes, and there's no more fear. They bit into each other's lips. Destroyed a tent of supplies while drunk. Laughed, cursed, kissed, fucked. Misericorde finally is just Misericorde.
That's when Leiden decided to pull the trigger. "Just when your soul's alive." He says. Misericorde looks at him, nods his head goodbye. Kneels in front of him. Feels the cold piece of steel against his forehead once more. Takes the bullet. He sees the light at the end of the tunnel.
from:
trigger warning: non-consensual sex mentioned
So he took him into his bedroom. He needed to prove that all these could be a way of living; he needed someone who's alive; he needed to see the light in Leiden's eyes. He needed it.
As for how Leiden took it, he never had a clue. Sometimes Leiden is just a barking dog, sometimes a soldier in owe. Sometimes freedom of soul embodied, sometimes just a man with a strong heartbeat, a son of a mother.
"You know a lot of times it was you looking at me, right?" He was cleaning himself up, washing away the scent of the other man.
The tension softened as Misericorde kissed his lips.
/
Leiden knew that he did this out of fear. The moment he was taken to the blond man's bedroom and stripped himself naked, he knew it was fear.
He is a soldier who would risk his life for the Ark; now he doesn't know what his job was for anymore. He seemed to be dying for nothing. Or worse, for Misericorde.
That fear and disgust grew every day he saw him, and one day he decided to talk. Silence was not good enough anymore. He needed to see him suffer.
He needs to see Misericorde suffering from the truth.
Leiden was a soldier who knows what fear smells like. He saw Misericorde's face falls like never before. Like a man who saw the reaper, he was scared.
The blond man kissed him. As if it was real.
This might be the light at the end of the tunnel.
He just couldn't pull the trigger.
They bit into each other's lips. Destroyed a tent of supplies while drunk. Laughed, cursed, kissed, fucked. Misericorde finally is just Misericorde.
"Just when your soul's alive." He says.
Misericorde looks at him, nods his head goodbye. Kneels in front of him. Feels the cold piece of steel against his forehead once more.
Takes the bullet.
He sees the light at the end of the tunnel.