☀️ ceeshine!
[mh/depression/suicidal ideation, disordered eating CW] just covering my bases here but gonna start a meds diary since i started new meds on Tuesday!
☀️ ceeshine!
will probably get an actual physical journal for this too but I'm starting here for now since I almost always have my phone on me and it'll be easiest to jot it down this way
☀️ ceeshine!
FLUOXETINE 10mg

day 1: some stomach upset/unsettling, moderate but brief dizziness; physical anxiety symptoms felt muted or dampened (like i was trying to get anxious but my body wouldn't let it get too far); no noticeable energy boost or insomnia
☀️ ceeshine!
day 2: less stomach trouble and no noticeable dizziness; physical anxiety symptoms more prominent, though i did something very specifically anxiety-inducing ytd so the meds had a lot to contend with; EMOTIONAL anxiety symptoms felt somewhat dampened though; no noticeable energy boost or insomnia, in fact had VERY deep and long sleep
☀️ ceeshine!
general weariness was pretty bad yesterday but i think that is more owed to everything i did on Tue/Wed than the meds
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no noticeable difference insofar as passive SI goes yet
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day 3: HIGH emotional & physical anxiety but was doing something very anxiety-inducing; intense rumination; moderate dizziness/vertigo when up high or reaching above head; was in unpleasant aisle assignment at work but DIDN'T think "god I want to die"; dry mouth; mild lack of coordination; stomach unsettled; severe fatigue
☀️ ceeshine!
i think a lot of the bodily symptoms tonight could be owed to the adrenaline crash from my anxiety spike and sleeping too long (and so eating/drinking too little and just not warming up my body for activity), but I imagine they were probably exacerbated a little by the meds... I don't usually have lack of coordination or vertigo that bad when I oversleep
☀️ ceeshine!
day 3 update: Oh God The Oversleeping
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day 4: severe fatigue & easily overexerted; mild headache; stomach upset much milder than days previous; mood coming off day 3 was pretty foul but felt like it leveled out a little after day 4 dose; easily distracted; less passive SI than usual; severe tiredness of the eyes
☀️ ceeshine!
noting tho that distraction did not necessarily come in the form of rumination
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days 2 & 3 i literally slept all day and night following each dose so i hope that subsides bc good god
☀️ ceeshine!
misc note: have found myself a little more motivated to get up before my shift and have a meal but that may just be because of all the fuckign sleep i got beforehand
☀️ ceeshine!
day 4 update: HORRIBLE insomnia, could not stay asleep today for the life of me despite fatigue/exhaustion being incredibly severe by the time i got into bed
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day 5: severe fatigue & easily overexerted, general physical malaise (moderate), easily distracted, no rumination at work but intensely bad rumination afterwards, severe executive dysfunction
☀️ ceeshine!
no idea how much of my physical state was directly meds-related and how much of it was the absolute dogshit sleep i got but ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯
☀️ ceeshine!
day 6: melancholy, irritability, severe fatigue, moderate physical malaise, insomnia, more frequent SI returning in response to irritable mood, mild stomach unsettling, rumination (contributing to insomnia)
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day 7: severe fatigue, headache, out of body feelings, irritable, intense melancholy, less SI than night previous; moderate stomach upset but i had a little too much dairy so that might be unrelated; finally managed to do basic tasks i had lacked executive and physical function for in days previous
☀️ ceeshine!
it is so hard to say how much of this is med side effects and how much is work just absolutely grinding me to a paste ugh. bad timing on my part starting the meds when i did
☀️ ceeshine!
day 8: same suppression of physical anxiety i had on day 1; bad BAD insomnia (related to stress and rumination), then oversleeping as a result, executive dysfunction, severe fatigue
☀️ ceeshine!
all i did today was have a stress meltdown after not being able to sleep, do my therapy session, and pass out all day so i was not terribly mindful of my physical state
☀️ ceeshine!
day 9: i cannot even begin to enumerate my symptoms so far and i'm pretty sure they're all period-related rather than meds-related. also threw up a little under 2hrs after taking my pill so i have no idea if it even all made it into my system tonight
☀️ ceeshine!
will keep an eye on mental/psychological stuff today but i think logging physical symptoms is a wash
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lot of executive dysfunction and brain fog for day 9
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day 10: severe hopelessness, sadness, stress; executive dysfunction; bit of resurgence in SI (which has overall been less frequent since i started the meds); very intense distress/hopelessness response to a sudden stressor; insomnia
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day 11: think this is the one i missed, probably from calling out on friday??? idk it was somewhere in here
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day 12: insomnia, executive dysfunction, sadness; missed day was either 11 or 12 but these symptoms were applicable regardless
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hm. think i missed counting a day at some point
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day 13: intense sadness/loneliness, lack of focus, racing thoughts
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day 14: severe irritability, stress, hopelessness, fatigue, anxiety; SI levels (at least during work) back to pre-medication levels; executive dysfunction strong
☀️ ceeshine!
think i am gonna stay on the 10mg for another weekish (8 days technically...since i'll have halves of 4 pills) and then try to up to 20mg... we shall see how i'm feeling then
☀️ ceeshine!
day 15: insomnia followed by oversleeping, severe depression & executive dysfunction, severe emotional anxiety (physical anxiety symptoms not very present), worse disordered eating habits than usual, fatigue, severe hopelessness
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day 15 is the closest i have ever been to just not showing up to work. i think that's more me being so fucking sick and burnt out from work than the antidepressants but it is what it is
☀️ ceeshine!
day 16: fatigue, irritability, executive dysfunction, insomnia, lack of focus
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day 17: same as day 16 for the first half, though after work i slept so deeply that when my 10:30am alarm went off i legitimately thought i had slept until 10:30pm and was gonna be late for work. second half of the day had higher anxiety but much more ability to Do Tasks and have some morale about it. probably some mania surrounding not having to work
☀️ ceeshine!
day 18: moderate anxiety (mostly surrounding upcoming obligations), executive function improved greatly for taking care of some outstanding obligations, moderate fatigue
☀️ ceeshine!
FLUOXETINE 20mg
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day 19: so so so SO sleepy, executive dysfunction
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day 20: sleepiness & return of dizziness/vertigo
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day 21: sleepiness, executive dysfunction
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day 22: moderate fatigue, easily overexerted; took a very small dose of melatonin today without thinking bc i was having trouble falling asleep and it activated so much dizziness/vertigo that i have called out of work
☀️ ceeshine!
BUT my therapist did note this morning that my general vibes and demeanor seemed a lot better than in previous sessions
☀️ ceeshine!
day 23: BAD insomnia, racing thoughts, mild stomach upset
♰ Javert ♰
insomnia AND sleepiness are both a part of the med side effect/adjustment <3
♰ Javert ♰
i've experienced both as my body adjusted to dosages.
♰ Javert ♰
whenever i change my dose i tend to have very bad insomnia
♰ Javert ♰
it does go away but what i'm seeing in your symptoms sound within normal. i hope it evens out soon within the next week or two
☀️ ceeshine!
yeah, and my sleeping habits are already pretty fucky so i anticipated some changes
☀️ ceeshine!
i feel like a lot of the most noticeable side effects have tapered off already tho my tummy has been unsettled a lot again
☀️ ceeshine!
day 24: insomnia continues; executive function spotty but more cooperative than the past few days
☀️ ceeshine!
day 25: so far, fatigue & stomach upset; two different people commented that i sounded like i'm doing good though
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day 26: sleepiness/fatigue big time
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day 27: insomnia, lack of appetite, stomach upset; executive function at work was pretty good tho
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day 28: insomnia, greatly improved executive function; basically got everything done in a day that i wanted to accomplish which hasn't happened in ever
☀️ ceeshine!
day 29: sleepiness, fatigue, executive function & appetite back down
☀️ ceeshine!
think i need to start marking what night of the week i have taken a dose, have not been very on top of these entries
☀️ ceeshine!
day 30 (Wed night): irritability, depressive downswing in response to household stressor, executive dysfunction
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day 31 (Thur night): fatigue, improved function at work but bad dysfunction once i got home
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day 32 (Fri night): massive melancholy mood swing with no obvious immediate external cause... felt a lot better upon waking up after sleeping (mostly) successfully during the day
☀️ ceeshine!
day 33 (Sat night): irritability, moderate stomach upset/severe abdominal discomfort
☀️ ceeshine!
day 34 (Sun night): intense melancholy, general irritability/mood swings, fluctuating motivation
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day 35 (Mon night): rumination on external stressor very bad, led to prolonged anxiety attack at work, severe insomnia including into the evening despite intense activity and fatigue, severe irritability
☀️ ceeshine!
psych appointment later this morning, which i wanted to sleep before but may not be able to manage now
☀️ ceeshine!
got a prescription for ... hydroxyzine I think is what she said??? as-needed for intense anxiety episodes
☀️ ceeshine!
and continuing with the 20mg of fluoxetine
☀️ ceeshine!
also found out my next appointment with my psychiatrist will be my last one bc she's leaving the practice hopefully I can start seeing someone else nice there...
☀️ ceeshine!
day 36 (Tue night): mood fluctuations, including downswings of sadness and grief about lost & damaged relationships that i have not been able to properly process prior to this; managed to physically go to therapy despite severe executive dysfunction telling me not to
☀️ ceeshine!
SI continues to settle down. increasingly rare now even when i am very miserable
☀️ ceeshine!
day 37 (Wed night): sinus symptoms associated w/ weather changes more severe than usual; remarks on looking alert/refreshed even though i actually felt very ill at that moment; managed to finish my aisle early despite all that; insomnia, followed by dizziness/disorientation interaction with melatonin again even at a smaller dose; executive dysfunction
☀️ ceeshine!
even 1.25mg of melatonin made me feel drunk when i woke up... not as bad as 2.50 but lord
☀️ ceeshine!
day 38 (Thur night): struggles staying asleep, stomach unsettled, moderate fatigue
☀️ ceeshine!
day 39 (Fri night): good executive function at work, stomach unsettled, mild fatigue, mild distraction/mind wandering; tackled every obstacle Saturday morning threw at me, which was many
☀️ ceeshine!
day 40 (Sat night): very sick to my stomach but that's bc i ate a bunch of garbage yesterday. moderate fatigue & intense sleepiness
☀️ ceeshine!
day 41 (Sun night): moderate fatigue & intense sleepiness
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day 42 (Mon night): very intense melancholic mood swing during work
☀️ ceeshine!
day 43 (Tue night): period started so this and Monday's symptoms are all likely a result of that. severe fatigue & sleepiness
☀️ ceeshine!
day 44 (Wed night): severe fatigue and sleepiness, called out of work from exhaustion and discomfort; severe executive dysfunction
☀️ ceeshine!
day 45 (Thur night): severe executive dysfunction, mood swings, sadness, hopelessness
☀️ ceeshine!
day 46 (Fri night): same as day previous; been in a moderate to severe depressive episode since my period started tbh. functioned really well at work though
☀️ ceeshine!
day 47 (Sat night): severe executive dysfunction, mood downswing; had a burst of manic function Sunday morning after work, then slept straight through the rest of the day and night due to intense fatigue + sleep debt
☀️ ceeshine!
day 48 (Sun night): fatigued but managed to have a meal; had a very powerful anxiety spike in response to something that made me angry Monday afternoon
☀️ ceeshine!
day 49 (Mon night): was more efficient at work than usual and wrangled a bunch of tasks that had fallen thru the executive dysfunction cracks on Tuesday morn
☀️ ceeshine!
need to get back in the habit of doing this every day, I fell off a little bit while I was sequestered at my partner's place
☀️ ceeshine!
habit failed LMFAO
☀️ ceeshine!
day 50 (Tue night): big appetite, big mania, did therapy and a bunch of errands and then had terrible insomnia and barely slept before my Wed night shift
☀️ ceeshine!
day 51 (Wed night): the consequences of my insomnia sleep debt. did a bunch of obligations and chores Thur morning and then passed out in the afternoon and slept most of the following 30 hours with absolutely no will to do anything else in the moments that i did wake up
☀️ ceeshine!
day 52 (Thur night): continuation of ytd
☀️ ceeshine!
day 53 (Fri night): felt rather ill and general malaise but i think that's probably the sleep hangover. also added vitamins (calcium, iron, fiber, & vitamin D) to my meds lineup tonight so we shall see if that helps at all with the fatigue. managed to wake up, have a meal, and do a task that I needed to do despite not wanting to do any of that
☀️ ceeshine!
day 54 (Sat night): general malaise continues, very very low motivation, emotional downswing/melancholy for no apparent external reason
☀️ ceeshine!
day 55 (Sun night): huge sleep debt exhaustion, lack of focus & motivation (mostly related to the exhaustion), severe executive dysfunction irt eating (also related to the exhaustion)
☀️ ceeshine!
day 56 (Mon night): pending; suicidal ideation returned in response to catastrophe at work
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last appt with current psych today :-(
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think i am gonna talk to her about my cycles of manic insomnia and huge oversleeping bc man it's not great
☀️ ceeshine!
gave up on daily symptom tracking but came back here to say i'm on the worst depressive downswing i've had since starting my meds. started around the 28th of april and got exponentially worse when my period started on the 7th
☀️ ceeshine!
idk what i'm gonna do with/about this information yet but wanted it on the record
☀️ ceeshine!
continued to be stuck in that depressive valley so i brought it up to my new psych and she upped my dose SO
☀️ ceeshine!
back here to keep track
☀️ ceeshine!
day 1 - 30mg fluoxetine (Tue night): very physically unwell but i felt awful before my dose so i think most of that is unrelated. big big brain fog and dissociation tonight so far though
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which may also be unrelated but ough
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day 1 update: emotional regulation was incredibly bad but i also experienced something very triggering so the circumstances were pretty exceptional, so, idk
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day 2 - 30mg (Wed night): irritable as hell
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been bad about doing this daily again
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day 3 - 30mg (Thur night): stomach unsettled, sleepiness, struggle to focus
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day 4 - 30mg (Fri night): same as above, also melancholy, fatigue
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day 5 - 30mg (Sat night): sleepiness, struggle to focus, melancholy
☀️ ceeshine!
i think a lot of the sleepiness and sadness is situational to my job transition but. fluoxetine help you're supposed to make it easier to cope with those
☀️ ceeshine!
i think i am gonna take my dose around 4pm today so i can have about 18hrs between doses as i transition to taking it in the morning... i would like to take it at the beginning of my shift tmw and i don't think it's a good idea to go straight from 10pm to 9am
☀️ ceeshine!
update: sadness DEFINITELY being contributed to by PMS
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day 6 - 30mg (Sun afternoon): tbe but wanted to note that I took it
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day 7 - 30mg (Mon morn): taken
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