Roach
[cw death] sorry for going quiet for so long again and not responding
Roach
it turned out I wasn't up for talking as much as I thought I was, that might happen again with this post ngl
Roach
a lot happened in the last few months.
Roach
everything was pretty none stop, with shit just somehow managing to continuously get worse
Roach
for anyone not up to reading the details, we had three more deaths in my family. My aunt, my cat, and Luce (my fiance)
Roach
I'll talk more about the details under the cut off line
Roach
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Roach
I moved in with my fiance to help them out while they recovered from a major surgery that was meant to get rid of cancer. and while I was staying with them my aunt fell down her stairs at home, ended up in the hospital, and died a few days later, when other health complications made her injuries fatal.
Roach
my cousin and his wife thankfully took over taking care of the house and attempting to sell it (or have possibly decided to just live there). i feel bad that's the situation they're in, but also, i don't think I could have gone back to being in that house
Roach
then, my cat, after months of taking him to the vet and trying to figure out what was wrong with him, passed. the vet would solve one issue only to find out there was a worse underlying issue. eventually, they figured out he had a tumor in his head and either cancer or some form of organ failure.
Roach
he was 15 so he'd lived a long life for a cat but it was still fucking awful, i would have done anything to keep him with me longer if I could have
Roach
then a few weeks before Christmas my fiance, Luce, ended up needing to go to the hospital. we thought they had fully recovered from their cancer surgery.
Roach
they were still feeling pain, but it was getting better and they had been going back to living their life. we were going for hikes together and they'd started DMing a D&D campaign and getting back into writing.
Roach
then the pain they'd felt before the surgery started coming back.
Roach
at first they thought it was a heart attack, went to the hospital, only to be told "It's not a heart attack, we can't figure out what it is but it's not killing you. go home and take Tylenol."
Roach
Luce tried to just power through it, but it got worse, so a few days later we went to a different hospital.
Roach
this one took their pain more seriously but the place wasn't as funded and didn't have the equipment to get a good read on what was wrong with Luce.
Roach
as far as they could tell Luce had a blockage in their guts, but the doctor said he couldn't tell for sure if that was the cause of the pain. they also saw a nodule on one of their ovaries that was concerning.
Roach
the doctor gave them antibiotics, pain meds, and stool softener, and advised us on what hospital to go to if the pain didn't go away.
Roach
by Christmas Eve the pain had only gotten worse so we went to the hospital he suggested. they were able to confirm that the suspicious nodule WAS possibly cancer, and that it was growing rapidly, but they didn't confirm it was cancer.
Roach
instead, they told us, "it might be cancer, go home and take Tylenol about it then speak with your general practitioner about it."
Roach
(this was the same hospital that they went to when they thought it was a heart attack, apparently 'go home and take Tylenol' is just their idea of a cure-all)
Roach
we were not fucking happy about that, to say the least.
Roach
Luce insisted on doing Christmas with our friends, and then the next day we took them to the hospital where they had their initial surgery to get rid of the cancer (the only reason we didn't take them there at the beginning was because it was over an hour away)
Roach
they confirmed it was cancer. it was extremely aggressive and it had spread to multiple places in their body. Their ovary, a lymph node, their lungs, one of the bones in their left arm, and their liver had five types of cancer on it.
Roach
(Luce's sister suspects that the "fatty liver" they had been diagnosed with a while back had always been cancer, and we might have caught it earlier if they had just done a test to make sure it was fatty liver instead of just assuming it was fatty liver because of Luce's weight)
Roach
they wanted to give Luce chemotherapy as soon as possible, to try and stop the spread, but they found out Luce had also contracted C. Diff from the person they had initially been roomed with when they first got to the hospital. and with the damage to their liver, their body was already having a hard time fighting it off.
Roach
They ended up having to give them the chemo before they could get over the C. Diff, as a kind of hail mary, because if they didn't, the cancer was going to kill them. and at first, it looked like it paid off. Luce was doing a lot better for the first few days.
Roach
they were tired but better.
Roach
but then we got a call one morning that Luce was being put on a breathing tube. by the time we got there, we were told that was no longer going to happen, that Luce's liver was shutting down. that there was nothing more they could do, and that it was going to kill Luce.
Roach
they died at 6:30 PM that same day
Roach
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Roach
Luce's sister and I are living together still (Luce and their sister had been living together before I moved in), and we're trying to help each other out and make sure neither of us spirals.
Roach
I'm still at a point where none of this really feels like it can possibly be real. it's all surreal and I'm just drifting
Roach
been trying to go back to doing hobbies and going to the gym to keep myself busy, want to get myself in to therapy but I hate the idea of having to go through the process of finding the right therapist, especially in this political climate.
Roach
also really worried about my job right now. Trump's been wanting to put libraries on the chopping block since his last term, and the federal funding freeze already threatens to shut down our ability to transfer books between libraries in our state. and our library is small, we NEED that resource
Roach
there's also the censorship concerns and whether or not we'll eventually be forced to do a book purge in order to keep running , and what we do if that happens
Roach
I hate that we really didn't even get much of a chance to morn before getting thrown into all this shit with trump and having to worry about my job, censorship, my friends and whether or not their going to be okay
Roach
my whole fucking world is falling down around my ears and I'm like "damn, I should really work on getting a therapist"
Throck
I'm about to drive somewhere so I can't talk more until later but I want to say I'm so sorry about everything.
Throck
This is a lot of pain at once. Please let us know anything we can do for you. We've missed you and would gladly help if you need something
Roach
thank you, i really appreciate that. i've missed you guys, too
Roach
we've had a lot of friends and family that have done a lot to help out, which has been a big relief. we haven't had to go through this alone at least
🍉 catipede
this is an actual living nightmare I'm so sorry about all the horrifying grief you've been struck with and the unending pain you're being forced to carry with no relief.
Juliet
Oh wow, that is so much to happen all at once. I'm so sorry for your losses. I hope you find the right therapist right away.
Pᴀssɪᴏɴ DᴇBᴀʀʀᴇ
I'm so, so sorry. If there's anything you need, financial, someone to talk to, etc., please let us all know. My heart's going out to you and everyone in your and Luce's family.
boop snoot riot
Roach
thank you guys, i really appreciate it
oozecat
We are here for you no matter how long you take between posts.
Roach
heh, thanks, i appreciate the solidarity and patience ^-^