was despairing over how shit 2024 was and honestly am dreading 2025 but i got pleasantly tipsy on NYE and did a discord hang with a bunch of friends which i haven't done in quite a while for complicated personal reasons
also cut the cord on one of my ttrpg games, also partially for complicated personal reasons, but partially bc i have been stretched so thin lately with how little positive energy i've had to spare and i just need more personal time that i'm not devoting to obligations like that
sad bc i liked the character i came up with and being in a campaign with Naya again but i was struggling there for a lot of reasons so it is for the best
i have a week coming up where i'm only working 3 days and my partner is going to be out of town for a lot of it so i think i'm going to try to set up one of the side hustles i have been considering. pwyw post-its or the saucy SW persona that Naya and i have been brainstorming ideas for
i was goign to contribute to some discussion points for d&d on saturday before i slept but my brain is so dead i might need to snooze a little first ☠️ ough
ended up calling out bc there's still a lot of slush compacted on the roads after the plow came through and i didn't want to unearth my car my team lead asked if i want to come in tmw instead so i am hopefully gonna do that
anyway. the depression has been wildly worse than usual the past few days and idk if it's just post-holiday exhaustion finally setting in, other stuff i don't feel like getting into, or a combination of both
managed to get to and from work last night without disaster but i am not pressing it on therapy today so doing telehealth... i'd really rather be in office but the idea of getting on the highway with how patchy the salt and ice still are is giving me a stomachache so LMFAO
(i have nothing against telehealth generally but i get very paranoid and uncomfortable that my voice will carry to my housemates during the appointment)
(CW: family health stuff, cancer, death; not mine)
my housemate is leaving tmw to stay with her family bc her mom just got a lymphoma diagnosis, and my partner's grandfather passed away in the hospital shortly after he finished his long drive back to HIS family today. they are both going to be out of town for a while
meanwhile i spent today in levels of depression fugue i don't think i've felt in years. all i did was sleep. i didn't leave my room even once until a few hours after my housemate woke me up to tell me about my partner's grandfather
y'all know those social interactions that just make you cringe yourself inside out. I have one coworker where my every interaction with him is like that and lord
possessed by mania and overtaken by the cleaning/organizing compulsion immediately upon getting home from work at around 5:30am. it is now 9:30am and i have only just made myself lay in bed and try to simmer down like 10min ago
cleaning insanity continued for most of the rest of the day right up until the social obligation i wanted to attend at 7 and didn't show up to until almost 10 bc i needed a nap so bad i felt like i was gonna die
idk why my team lead is so obsessed with putting me over in the paper aisle. it's not my least favorite aisle by a long shot but i always feel more like a hindrance than a help over there bc i'm too short to stack product without a stepstool and i'm not certified to operate the power jacks which are usually necessary to get bulk pallets out onto the floor
also annoying is the consistent cosmic pattern of me ending up in baking goods immediately after washing my work clothes so that they can be covered in flour and sugar for the next week+ until i wash them again
now i have 3 days off and my partner is hopefully coming home on wednesday so i am gonna try to be Big Chilling even tho my anxiety + paranoia has been incredibly bad the last few nights
ended up getting to see him tonight after all and it was very healing but i masked the whole (short) time since he was at a very crowded and very Red State (derogatory) funeral yesterday...
i think i also need to take my car back in for repairs bc it is once again making the noise that i took it in for (and got briefly fixed) last month, and god knows when i will find the time to do that
my partner is indeed sick (test says not covid as of rn) so it'll be even longer until i get to spend some more time with him... we have a date planned on monday but idk if he'll be feeling well enough by then......
i wish i could go into the office for therapy tmw because i never feel like i can talk fully comfortably with telehealth but i have so much going on tmw and i shouldn't be driving my car more than i need to
in the three days that I did not run it, my car developed an absolutely horrifying wobble I was hoping it was just that my tires had gone a bit flat from the cold, but I filled them and it's still really shaky
made a haircut appointment for later this morning bc i'm sick of my side mullet and i have a coupon and i deserve to be more freshly groomed before my bday...
i had horrible morning insomnia yesterday and the cure was 5mg of melatonin and about 5mg of THC, as it turns out... i slept like a fucking rock once i did finally fall asleep
drove to work in the fog and rain. got slowed down all night by tummy troubles. and broke my like...1.6-year streak at this store of not breaking anything by misjudging the balance of some jelly jars on my runner
my housemate is leaving tmw to stay with her family bc her mom just got a lymphoma diagnosis, and my partner's grandfather passed away in the hospital shortly after he finished his long drive back to HIS family today. they are both going to be out of town for a while