“We get it, we get it, geez. On your end, take care of the villagers, ’kay? Also, make sure to dispose of the mayonnaise in storage before it goes bad.”
“I really have to wonder about lining up those two issues in the same sentence…”
“When you add loli to the pejorative hag, it goes from an insult to a badge of honor. It is a status highly esteemed back in my homeland. No, I’m serious.”
“Oh, shut up, third rate! What are you comparin’ me t—? Whoa! This tea’s awful! It tastes like grass!!” Garfiel grimaced spectacularly at the fallen leaf tea Ram had poured for him.
“So you’re worried about Emilia, too, huh? I’m a little surprised.”
“…Ram is the epitome of kindness and benevolence. Besides, if Lady Emilia can perform as Master Roswaal hopes, there will be meaning to his body’s having been whittled down like that. Of course I am concerned.”
“Roswaal went pretty far, putting his own body on the line…”
Ram sank into thought for a brief moment, then closed one eye as she said, “I wonder. The circumstantial evidence suggests Frederica planned something. In point of fact, Lady Emilia only avoided such a fate by a hairbreadth, escaping by Barusu’s noble…relatively noble sacrifice.”
“Hey, don’t correct that. Well, I don’t mind you correcting the ‘sacrifice’ part because I got through it fine, but if I had sacrificed myself, call it noble even if it’s a lie!”
“Hey, hey, heyyy, what’s the matter? That’s just my diving press to wake you up with love! Same as usual. Really gets those carelessness-is-your-greatest-enemy fires burning, huh?”
“Okaaay, I’ve decided that today, I’ll have a heart-to-heart talk with you! First, let’s talk with our muscles! You just try breaking out of my figure-four leg lock infused with looove! Oh yeaaah—!”
“You’re a fool to pick a figure-four leg lock, it’s weak against reversals. You’re getting old, Dad! All I have to do is reverse my body and the damage flies the other way! Here’s my revenge for you putting a figure-four leg lock on… Ah, wait! You can’t reverse my reversal… Owow! Owowowow!”
“Setting that aside, what are you gonna do about this plate of green peas? I tried to pass it to Daddy, Daddy passed it to Mom, and Mom passed it to me, and we’ve been going around in circles…”
“But Mom hates green peas. I hate even looking at them.”
“Ah, don’t misunderstand me, it’s not just green peas that Mom hates, it’s all food that’s little and round like that. It feels icky to put them in my mouth.”
“That’s not a misunderstanding, then—if anything it just sounds even fishier than before!”
A voice came through the door, but the door opened before he could reply. When he let out a heavy breath and turned his head toward it, Kenichi was moonwalking his way into his own son’s room. Subaru spontaneously smacked his forehead.
“…Coming in before I answer kind of defeats the point of asking me, doesn’t it?”
“Hey, now. With the hard bonds tying me and you, father and son, together, that’s not really nece— Er, it kind of is! Sorry, I wasn’t considering that you’re in puberty. I’ll come again after you’ve taken care of things.”
“Don’t go back to form and lob weirdly realistic conclusions out like that! I wasn’t even doing anything!”
Everything he did was over the top, deprived of common sense, excessively theatrical, completely the sort of thing other people shunned you for, but for some reason, everyone took it in a really friendly way.
You’re the one who thought you’d get me to hate you. The way you did it was by rejecting school. And you thought, somewhere along the line, your dad would blow a fuse and yell at you… That’s stupid on a fundamental level, you know?”
“More importantly, you said you found a girl you like, and you said there was a girl who said she likes you… What’s up with that? Are you two-timing them? A guy like you…?”
“Whaddaya mean, a guy like me?! To be honest, even I think I’m not qualified! But I can’t help it! So I have two number one stars, what’s the big deal?!”
“Ain’t it obvious? No one wants to get close to a guy who’s that high tension the first time you meet him. That’s why you’ve gotta keep your collar straight until you get along better. You’ve gotta wait a while before you undo the buttons. If you start in April, gotta hold out until the end of June for that.”
“Oh my, when you asked me where your uniform was, I thought you might burn it, so I made all kinds of preparations…all for nothing, it would seem.”
“Your son asks where his uniform is and the first thing you think of is burning it? Wait, when you guessed I’d burn it, your ‘preparations’ meant getting sweet potatoes and sausage skewers ready…?”
“I’m glad that it’s warm today. What did you talk to your Dad about?”
“Ohhh, there it is, Mom’s beginner-level ‘first half disconnected from the second half’ conversation topic! I know you don’t mean anything special by it, but ummm…”
“A girl told me, a totally helpless no-good guy, that I’m her hero. That’s why I’ve already accepted how much I come up short. I don’t need to face my past now to teach me that.”
“You thought they didn’t know, but in your heart, did you really want to conceal it? Can you truly say you didn’t want a fictional father and an idealized mother to know all along, out of the self-serving desire to be loved in spite of them knowing?”
“Those voices, those smiling faces…every last bit was what my imagination poured into them—they’re not vases for you to pour your half-baked ideas into. Don’t look down on them. Those are my parents.”
“In that light, I think your meritorious service should be rewarded. You have proven the words you spoke in that place—upon our safe departure from this place, I shall appoint you knight.”
“Aside from her taste in men, my Patlash really is perfect, isn’t she…?”
Subaru was very fond of his favorite dragon whose specs were so high they had earned Garfiel’s seal of approval. But that she’d picked Subaru as her owner might have been indicative of a certain flaw in her character.
“Mr. Natsuki, you have so many distractions, I am concerned that my accepting your precious thoughts might leave you in dire straits… I’m joking, but let me speak seriously. If you are trying to be considerate toward me, then…”
“Could you not speak such awful things the moment I come back to call you?!”
“Just like usual, you really act all friendly toward me, huh?”
“However, it seems the lady concerned is merely saying, ‘You may stroke me if you wish’…”
“I really have to wonder about lining up those two issues in the same sentence…”
“I think he’s probably doing something for the sake of world peace.”
“Sounds like a little girl with fantasies about her dad’s work, but if he ain’t here, that’s the least of our problems.”
“I’ve reflected. Deeper than the sea, taller than the mountains, wider than the sky, vaster than outer space.”
“Then it is fine. I forgive you… I’m not sure what you mean by outer space, though.”
“Ain’t that usually said with more, oh, modesty?”
“It is the juice from fallen leaves. You should be grateful it was poured by Ram’s hands and drink it to the bottom.
“No one says greenhorn anymore.”
“It is not a matter of confidence whatsoever. It is natural providence that Ram is correct so often.”
“…Ram is the epitome of kindness and benevolence. Besides, if Lady Emilia can perform as Master Roswaal hopes, there will be meaning to his body’s having been whittled down like that. Of course I am concerned.”
“Roswaal went pretty far, putting his own body on the line…”
“It’s the truth, so I can’t argue, but geez…!”
To Subaru, who had experienced little pleasant conversation with Ram, this was an alarming development.
“But Mom hates green peas. I hate even looking at them.”
“And you were trying to overcome me being picky?!
“That’s not a misunderstanding, then—if anything it just sounds even fishier than before!”
A voice came through the door, but the door opened before he could reply. When he let out a heavy breath and turned his head toward it, Kenichi was moonwalking his way into his own son’s room. Subaru spontaneously smacked his forehead.
“…Coming in before I answer kind of defeats the point of asking me, doesn’t it?”
“Don’t go back to form and lob weirdly realistic conclusions out like that! I wasn’t even doing anything!”
“Yes, let’s see. Subaru, do you have a girl you like?”
“What is this, middle school?!!”
“Ohh, that overreaction is like making a confession, don’t ya know?”
“Being asked that at seventeen is nothing but scary!!”
“Whaddaya mean, a guy like me?! To be honest, even I think I’m not qualified! But I can’t help it! So I have two number one stars, what’s the big deal?!”
“Your son asks where his uniform is and the first thing you think of is burning it? Wait, when you guessed I’d burn it, your ‘preparations’ meant getting sweet potatoes and sausage skewers ready…?”
“Ah, if you’re going to the store, I want some cream puffs, so make sure to buy some.”
“You see me like this, put your guessing gears in motion, and you say that?!”
“Ohhh, there it is, Mom’s beginner-level ‘first half disconnected from the second half’ conversation topic! I know you don’t mean anything special by it, but ummm…”
“Because…I’m your mother, Subaru.”
There was not a single shred of logic behind the statement. So why did it feel irrefutable?
T_T I'm not cryin you are
“Mm, you may speak it. I am very interested in whatever you might be thinking.”
“That school uniform really looks good on you.”
Subaru’s breath caught at the way she so casually stated that extremely frightening complaint.
“Too large a dose of any base ingredient for tea will become poison, nothing more. You are a petty man to hold a grudge all this time.”
“Yes, yes, good boy, good boy.”
“Put some heart in it!!”
“…There’s no good death waitin’ for you.”
“I am aware of this. I shall without doubt fall into hell.
“A prank…? You mean like writing on my face?”
“You got me! I definitely don’t have the courage to try a worse prank, either…!”
“…You might be a merchant, but you’re not a good judge of people, are you?”
“I suppose not!
Subaru was very fond of his favorite dragon whose specs were so high they had earned Garfiel’s seal of approval. But that she’d picked Subaru as her owner might have been indicative of a certain flaw in her character.
“Me, I’d love him to try, too, but Ram’d smack me to death, so I’ll pass.”