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Someone Hertz pekan ini, sungguh #mood pada siang ini. sungguh eksistensial.

sedikit menggelembung temyata. menyebalkan sekali.I keep saying one day I'll be good enough, I'll grow stronger, I'll be better in every way. but in the end I'm just... here. why can't I?

the more I deep dive into cognitive psychology and how the brain actually works, the more I think we are living against broken systems of knowledge work. human brain is not designed for 8+ hours of deep cognitive work...and we intuitively know that. that's why we have e.g. coffee breaks. so why do people pretend otherwise?

don't give up, me. don't give up on me.(I won't, I know)(it just doesn't feel like that at times)

bangun pagi, olahraga pagi. kemudian cek seminggu terakhir. 7-day RHR konsisten 46-49 bpm. kelihatannya bagus juga seperti itu...kadang juga bertanya-tanya apakah aku sudah benar-benar tumbuh. mungkin. entah. walaupun rasanya tidak selalu seperti itu.

getting home feeling tired after, well, being a grown-up today. I don't know, I just don't feel like laughing or smiling around this time today I guess.I don't know, really. maybe say something.

. . . capek ga sih yud?iya. capek. memang capek.tapi yah sudahlah.

oww... my head hurts. again. but at least not literally. walaupun tetap saja, semacam sebal kalau pas badan sama kepala sendiri ga bisa diajak kompromi...tapi dipikir-pikir lagi, mungkin juga dari tadi ini mereka sudah lumayan banyak kompromi. baiklah. intermission, intermission.

sadness is beautiful, loneliness is tragical. so help me, I can't win this war.oh no.

postprandial crash. atau kurang tidur. atau dua-duanya. bah.

partially wistful, partially wishful.god, make it right this time. make me right this time. make everything right this time.

jadi... setelah beberapa waktu main-main beberapa model AI:▪︎ Gemini: enak buat belajar konsep dan fondasi. kayak guru atau dosen.▪︎ Claude: technical work, brainstorming lintas bidang. kayak rekan ekstra cerdas.▪︎ ChatGPT: buat ngobrol tanya-tanya topik umum. kayak sama teman biasa.kemudian mikir, oh, enggak aneh juga.

waking up refreshed this morning. sering-seringlah kayak begini, menyenangkan. semoga bisa semakin sering setelahnya. amin!

seperti halnya latihan fisik, kapasitas kognitif itu juga harus tahu batas, ya. cognitive load theory, neuroplasticity, implikasi fisiologis dan psikologisnya juga ga bisa sembarangan.di dunia paralel mungkin aku kuliah Psikologi, lalu mungkin PhD, riset Psikologi Pendidikan. sekarang ini terapannya dulu sebisanya deh.

semakin dalam ngulik LLM (large language model) (atau 'AI', istilah kekiniannya sih), semacam menemukan bahwa pada akhirnya semua bermuara ke 'cara bertanya dan menyuruh menyatakan permintaan dengan jelas'.. . . yang sebenarnya adalah juga kerjaan sehari-hari di jalur engineering management. huh.

testing out Zorin OS 18. iya sih, base-nya masih Ubuntu (walaupun sudah jadi distro sendiri). iya sih, OS itu bukan cuma desktop dan window manager (sendirinya banyak buka terminal). iya sih.tapi... tapi... ini kok lucu juga ya tolong. lightweight pula aduh. 🤣

もう一度君に会いたい#nowplaying pada akhir hari yang sedikit penat. tapi layak. tapi penat juga yah begitulah.anyway. malam ini aku mungkin sedikit melankolis. mungkin.

"one useful reframe is not that the systems are necessarily broken—they simply optimize for different purposes than you think they do.". . . this really makes me think. across domains and experiences. huh.

so I messed my sleep schedule and now both my circadian and ultradian rhythms suffer.anyway I'm never really strict into wellness and longevity regimen, as long as you know what you're doing with informed decision, that is. but seriously, you can't fight biology, man.

"this is a fundamentally broken system from cognitive neuroscience perspective, and the evidence is damning."Claude doesn't pull any punch. but yeah, pretty much.

lesson learned somewhat hard: kurangin nasi dan gula itu bagus, tapi kalau ga hati-hati kayak bisa bikin bego. otak juga perlu glukosa...pantesan dulu ibuku suka muring-muring kalau ada orang ngide sok-sokan diet tapi ga jelas dasar ilmunya. yang rada bener aja kadang juga salah-salah kok.

come to think of it, I haven't gone on proper, fully-disconnected vacation in the past few years.maybe I should.

as it is, proper 'training arc' in your life necessitates feeling weak and stupid, at times second-guessing, also discomfort and agitation facing up proverbial walls.rightly so. well, if it's easy, it"s not 'training arc', duh.

I mean I know it's Saturday, and it's not like I've been slacking off all day, but why do I feel like I should have been doing more stuff and be more 'productive' in general?it does feel like I'm procrastinating though. whether it's perceived or real, now which one.

in terms of Linux, there was a reason I forgo installing Arch and chose to work with Ubuntu instead. well, if time is no object, maybe Arch. but I have other goals in life... not gonna lie Arch is pretty cool. could get raw performance to my liking. but when you do serious work, tools should 'disappear'. Arch doesn't.

so I one-shotted the docs of a consumer-grade, real user-facing project I implemented a while back... with Copilot agent mode. the free tier. over half lunch break time.technically two-shots (like 97% + 3%), but it got the details correct from the codebase. I mean I knew this could happen, but when it does, still, woah.

latest iteration of the workspace. been a while (few years?) since I shared something about the setup.quite a few things have changed. some items in and out. some items not immediately visible. overall fairly happy with what I have.

tetaplah engkau di sini ♪jangan datang lalu kau pergi ♫. . . not that I mind, tapi. ini kenapa jadi earworm. help. heeeelllppp.

I like to think I'm not half bad at studying or researching things in an independent, self-directed manner. but the challenge is... well, it sure is hard to resist the 'santai dulu ga sih' temptation from time to time.like really. but wait does that mean I'm not that good at self-studying welp

sometimes it just so happens you are given keys to the kingdom and... you just stand at the gate. like, duh.can't complain. been like that too in large part of my life.