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having COVID-19 is a real trip. All the genital itching and pustules. no wonder so many people died!

life is a beautiful kaleidoscope of color and emotion and experience but also it's incredibly boring and repetitive, but also it's a breathtaking sunset but also it's picking up dog shit in your yard for 12 years.

I'm sure one of these days I'll figure out a therum or something and make a million dollars but for now I will keep eating this wheel of cheese. I'm sure it will come to me.

I have a new hemorrhoid. it's name is Peanut because it's all wrinkled and oval shaped and has a top hat and monical. oh and it makes my ass itch like ccccrrraaaazzzzyyyyyy!

I hate cooking. I wish I could make fully prepared meals appear in front of me by just thinking about them.

caramel corn is my favorite candy based vegetable. my second favorite is jolly rancher onion pops.

I don't just have a sweet tooth. I have a salt tooth and a fat tooth also. actually I have sweet teeth and salt teeth and fat teethactually I just have a food face. just a face and mouth and throat and stomach and intestines for food.

I am the best at doing a bad job. no one is better at blowing it than I am. Olympic level failure!

I really hate writing. I wish instead of writing words we could just think them and they would appear in the air in front of you. Wait... um... may... maybe not.

I thought of a joke earlier today but I forgot it. this is a placeholder where that joke should have gone.

bears are tearing up the neighborhood. they really have no respect for the HOA.

I have a new resolution. I resolve to be resolute in my pursuit of resolutions. resolute in my resolve to be resolutely resolved of resolutions.

I really don't like myself very much but at least nobody knows about it. if they ever found out I would have to pretend I am not a POS which would be impossible!

Dudley would be a great name for the Dude. Dudley Dude. has a really hippie ass ring to it.

today was a carbon copy of yesterday in that it was very similar except today was a lot dustier and stained my shirt.

the worst part of having a bad back is that I don't get a good front! I thought that was the deal!

I'm going to devote myself to making sure my eyes stay in my head. I feel like they could pop out at any time, but I won't let it happen! that is my promise to you. I will not let my eyes out of my head for any reason!

going to sleep is such a waste of time. I think we should trade the sleep time for the equivalent number of years. that means if you would live to be 80, now you live for 40 years but you are awake for every moment. I think it's a fair trade.

I really wish the internet was a series of tubes. that way I could send messages to people on paper in an envelope since there is no way to do that today.

foraging for food is easy. just go to the store and LOOK AROUND!

I'm so sleepy that I just saw myself in the mirror and my eyes were closed and there were tiny ghosts flying around my head. nighty night spooky sleeps!

video games are so addictive these days that they come with their own virtual syringe and rubber tubing.

my car is a piece of junk... eventually.

should I be sweating while eating cheese?

I'm not sure but I think I will be headlining this weekend at Chili's on the second stage where they feature up and coming comics and southwestern egg roll bites.

I think instead of comedy I will start writing horror. my first story Will be about a comic that bombs so hard that he turns the audience into zombies who then eat his brains as a way of heckling him. it's called 28 Hecklers Later.

making up a new animal is easy. you just combine two already existing animals and give it a cool name. like a liger is a lion and a tiger. My animal is called an Eaglog. it combines an eagle and a groundhog.

I want to invent a camera that takes pictures of cats only. it uploads them directly to Instagram and tags them with the hashtag #catcamcamcam

do you think dogs have dreams because I do. I watch my dog sleeping and I see when she's having a nightmare because she swiping her paw back and forth like she's Freddy Krueger and mouthing "trick or treat bitch!"

birds are making nests now so they can give birth to baby birds to create an army of birds that will take over the world so they can poop on all the windshields without us ruining it by using our wipers to smear it all up. they're artists after all!