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I can't do this guys, I'm too nice to be a gangster

these mobile YouTube still ads are crazy

I'm allergic to sword swallowing

Catch me on Vogue pursing my lips

If you really must steal my Spotify account just to listen to the Butthole Surfers, I suppose I can allow it.

There's a Tesla car out there somewhere that's coming for you...

I'm in the works of mastering gigglemancy

When do you think The Wheel 2 is going to come out?

why are all the good bands Australian?

A group of pandas is called an embarrassment, and that's just kinda mean

One of the layers of Hell is for people who microwave pop-tarts, and I'm one of them.

I just found myself watching half of a vsauce short and said "shut up, dude." out loud.

WARNING: TOO MANY HOT BABES

releasing a vast amount of squirrels into suburban areas may or may not fix the housing crisis.

I lose hit points going up stairs

teleports behind you"what's your favorite Transformer?"

What do you mean I can't read out Haikus in a strip club?? why am I getting kicked out I thought this was America!

I'll be at GIRTHBROOKS house tomorrow and they don't even know it

I hit em with dat Blue Steel

If I fished with an ugly stick would you think of me the same?

Sharks in jeans

I'm so stoked. I got a free physical copy of Minecraft for the Switch I'll never play.

I'm sorry but... you're just not as cool as an argonaut

When I was young, someone stole my nose. I'll find you some day so help me God I'll get it back.

I'm so hungry I could kill a horse, then go get a burger or somethin.

I fed my car air cabin filters today

Up yours woke moralists, we'll see who cancels who.

cigarettes are kinda cool, I guess...

Everyone has that one pair of underwear you only wear on the weekends

I gain 2 months to my age for every Tool song I listen to.