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I was livin with a girl for a few weeks and it was great! Then she found out I was there 🥺

I put 16 marshmallows in my mouth and died.

All these trees stealin my oxygen

I’m the type of guy to cancel a doctors appointment because I’m feeling ill

I knew it was a wrap before I ate it.

Pick one. Get off VR or shit yourself.

People tryna put me onto veganism say things like “That chicken had a family” Ok then... buy the family bucket..?

Some fuckass dude was tryna make me swallow a pool stick saying it was sword swallowing. Dude doesn’t know I’m allergic to swallowing pool sticks..

Imagine trying on pants at a store and there's a poop stain in them..?

To think there's people out there that think that Ovens cook better than Air Fryers...

My subconscious wants me to watch Bruce Almighty...

I am the coolest person I know

Told my boss “What if lateness isn’t failure, but rather a refusal to let urgency steal the meaning of my steps?”I got fired.

Scratchin and sniffin like I’m a sticker

Always paranoid that a person I walk past is actually three gnomes in a trench coat..

Favorite pass time: being blamed for someone else’s incompetence!!🤪

My girlfriend left me for a barnacle...

Every time you lie an old lady is shot

If you wanna wish something evil upon someone, wish for them to be just the right amount of dehydrated so that they have a frustrating time in the restroom.

Konnichiwassup

I just hit a family of 4 with my Ford F-150 Raptor at 80MPH! Feeling blessed today

I’m 6ft stand on my money now I’m 6ft 🔥🍫

To think there’s constantly bugs crawling in the walls of your house 😅😊😊

Oh my god I figured it out... I’m gonna write a book about it.

20 years of my life and I still can only tie my shoes using bunny ears 😄

How do I unlock the ability to use 3rd person?

What would you do if you walked up to a guy in a trench coat and three little people hopped out?

If you think you’re mysterious and edgy. Shut up please

Remember.. at the end of the day, all of our shit stinks

Fun fact: if everyone on earth blinked at the same time.. nothing would happen!