[work] loooooove being put between two coworkers. soooooo fun.

The situation before I came in:
PM messaged HR after work hours monday, distressed that the items she was asked to deliver (a week ago) won't all fit in her car, that it feels like a safety hazard and she can't see. She includes several pics of an unsecured, open box of items at least 75% poking out of her sun roof.

HR naturally responds that 1) it's after work hours, you don't need to do this right now and 2) do not do something that does not feel safe. Do not take more than fits in your car. If it's too much work to take them back to the building, drop them on the side of the road and HR will come pick them up. If something were to fall it could hurt you or others.

PM does not respond because she decided to just. start driving like that anyway. And obviously she wouldn't text while driving. that would be unsafe.

today, HR sits down with PM to talk about why this behavior was not appropriate.
PM is bewildered. how was anything she said inappropriate? she was polite. She only has respect for HR. If HR feels PM is inappropriate they shouldn't be alone in a room together!!!
And now Yuni is called in as extra witness for. whatever this is.

HR is trying to explain how this was extremely dangerous and showed a lack of judgment, and if anything went wrong it would be our tiny nonprofit's job to deal with it.
PM is feeling attacked because she was proud of doing something all by herself and now she's in trouble for it.

PM talks about being an only child and that means she always does things on her own. HR is trying to hide that she's doing deep breathing exercises to stay patient.

HR says that she gave clear instructions to not continue with a dangerous task. PM says she wasn't looking for instructions at the time, she was just freaking out and calmed herself down and took care of it. HR says ok but you understand that you told Human Resources that you felt you had a safety hazard. That has to be taken seriously.

PM thought she was just venting stress to a friend. you said that she could come to you any time with her personal problems, this was part of that.

basically it goes in circles like this for ages.

eventually PM is just like "every time you talk to me it's because i'm in trouble. so i just won't talk to you anymore unless necessary for work."
and HR makes eye contact with me like i'm not crazy you're hearing this right

HR tries to explain that this is not a personal thing. Her job is to be the one that lets you know if you need to do something different. If you avoid her unless it's strictly necessary, then yes, you will only associate her with when you get constructive criticism

that's what this was supposed to be. constructive criticism.

PM states very clearly that she would never, ever have thought to not do it all by herself, no matter how dangerous, and the only thing she feels she did wrong is contacting HR.

by this point, the fight has gone out of HR. she's like ok, well, we're not going to ask you to deliver items or do anything in your car for work anymore. she cares about PM, wants to work well and communicate with PM, but if PM feels that keeping things strictly related to work is what she needs then fine.

several more minutes are spent with PM talking about how she loves this job but also is scared to talk to anyone and doesn't want to mess up and she tries so hard to not be noticed and now she's being called inappropriate and if she doesn't have this job she has nothing

after about an hour and a half the meeting finally ends.
PM comes to my office to decompress. I spend a half an hour further listening and assuring her no one hates her, let her know she's not alone, give her some of my own tips for how I handle anxiety and the work/life barrier.

(She comments that someone telling her she said something inappropriate is insane. she's always respectful to everyone. I think about how I've been wanting to talk with her about the aphobic comments she makes. I shelve it for later.)

...is this her first professional job or is her head that deep in the sand

she has ten years of project manager experience.

she says this is the first time she's had a job that's been "like this." i can't quite wrap my brain around what exactly that means.

she comes from a very different part of the country, which has clearly led to culture shock around various social things. I would assume work culture would still be the same regardless, but I am not the one who moved cross country for this job so what do i know

Um, there are different types of inappropriateness. The initial inappropriate was because it was dangerous. She seems to think inappropriate only refers to rudeness? I understand wanting to be proactive for solving problems, but doing so dangerously ain't it, especially after calling HR about it being dangerous and doing it anyways despite being told no

I went to check on HR after and she said that this went better than previous constructive criticisms

... Poor HR

I want so badly to not make PM feel attacked and alone and like everyone hates her and that she can speak her mind at work, and I know her defensive behavior was a symptom of all that.
and also it was, in fact, pretty inappropriate itself

Hooooly shit

like how do you tell a coworker "I hate talking to you" to their face and think you're still being appropriate. how do you not see that driving while you can't see was a bad judgment call.