[ irl talk of housing instability, pet death, and people death cw ]
not cursed as in 'witch cast a spell on my bloodline out of pettiness,' but cursed as in '13th century villager unearthed a cave full of pretty glowing rocks into the water supply and now half the children in the village are born with congenital abnormalities from that day on'
hi, i'm back, best friend is facing sudden impending homelessness in a cold climate just before fall, health condition from before has flared up again but now there's the threat of becoming quadruplegic, stepdad whose proximity severely impacts my functioning will be living here full time for six months minimum and insinuated kicking me out soon, what's good
i'm so tired of this shit and i'm so tired of having no fucking idea how to quantify what's been happening to me for years. not just a string of bad shit, but in very specific patterns that kneecap every hope spot for things to get better that appears. fuck me, man
the only things i am sure of at this point are that it's not confirmation bias, it's not magic, it's not just being in vulnerable positions that are already at risk for getting worse, and it's not just bad RNG. beyond that, fuckin search me
i really hate that over time it has escalated from just 'bad things happen to me' to 'bad things happen to my pets and loved ones,' bc i'd really rather NOT jump to thinking of other people's tragedies in terms of 'what a terrible thing that's happening to me, personally.' but like. it's not even 'sucks that it affects me,' it's that it's Mounting Evidence
obviously the bad shit happening is Fucking Bad and drives me hard toward despair and i want it to stop. but it's driving me insane not to /know what the hell is happening/
oh hey, i got one of my ttrpg projects functioning enough to run through a full scene for the first time last night and i just discovered one of our fish is dead. cool!
i also have an eerily consistent ability to predict death (fun fact i'd been getting an Ominous Feeling about the fish since friday), and for the last week or two i've been having intrusive grief/anxiety thoughts out of the blue about what if the friend exited my life not via breakup but by dying. so that bodes so very incredibly well
me being woken up abruptly in the middle of my sleeping hours, while home alone, by three loud knocks seeming to come from nowhere in particular, in late april of 2022 when my mom's health was starting to go downhill but months before her first stroke and cancer diagnosis, right about three months before her death: ha ha ha ha, Okay,
fun new adventures in This! had a solo improv rpg session that was absolutely wonderful and so much fun and great writing practice, and am excited to do more, but pushed myself a little too far, and decided to take a rest for at least a few days to give myself a chance to recover + plan better.
less than 24 hours later an incredibly, unbelievably stressful thing happened specifically to do with ttrpg dev stuff- which i have been bracing myself waiting for for a long time -by chance because of where i decided to talk about this. the stress instantly and severely made my condition escalate and now i have anhidrosis i developed overnight. awesome
not cursed as in 'witch cast a spell on my bloodline out of pettiness,' but cursed as in '13th century villager unearthed a cave full of pretty glowing rocks into the water supply and now half the children in the village are born with congenital abnormalities from that day on'