(CW: Mental health - One of you will probably know who this is).

Despite my life materially being better than maybe it's ever been I have just been cripplingly, lie-in-bed inactive with thoughts of loneliness and mortality today.

For one, it's that fucking number that keeps going up. I'm in my mid-30s. And the thing that's fucking me up is that for the first time I'm worried I'll need someone. I'm aspec but not wholly aro, and have given this little thought for most of my life.

I wonder which is worse, if I've somehow been mistaken the whole time, have wasted my life, and now need to start completely from scratch at an age where most people at the very least have their sexuality figured out and are deciding on kids.

OR, if I'm just freaking out, I'm really not wired for a romantic partner, and I have to figure something else out when I get old in a country with no social safety net to speak of.

Either way I need to get out more and start looking for social groups for meetups. Hopefully that helps.

But it's fucking me up right now. My brain kept fucking me up and getting in my way when I was in my twenties, and now that I'm in my thirties it's found a new way. Persistent, that little organ.

I feel this on a number of levels. And I dunno if you needed anyone to comment on this anon, but I know most of the time when I post things almost no one responds, and it makes me feel invisible. So I wanted you to know I see you.

There is a dating site called asexualcupid that you could try if you are looking to try out romance without sex

It's definitely not too late for you, though. People find their right person at all stages of life.

I'm broadly sort of demisexual. I have enjoyed sexting (even if none of my few physical sexual encounters have been good for me) and I haven't completely ruled out wanting kids.

Whatever happens for me I know I can't let myself be pressured into it, or put all the weight of all my fears into it. Especially if another person is involved.

I'll probably be in a better condition to make such a decision when I'm back on all my meds.

But I really just have no idea what a happy social life is going to look like for me in the future.