cw: food/eating disorders

I don't rattle on about it but i don't hide that i've had ED-NOS since i was a kid so eating is always weird

but it also leads to moments where my brain is shitting itself because when i decide to get lunch, it changes its mind SO FAST on what we should eat that it tries to lock up

brain: WE SHOULD EAT HEALTHY
me: -puts a good salad and bisque in the cart-
brain: NO DON'T WANT THAT SOMETHING CHEESY
me: -gets a hot dog in the cart-
brain: NO NO NO SHRIMP AND FRIED RICE

been in that pattern for like half an hour

and it's a weird defense mechanism my brain has to try and "stall out" time so i just don't eat and it's so irritating

i'll force it to quit by just flat out ORDERING something by force soon enough, but it's just an irritant to deal with my brain pooing the bed over something WE NEED TO LIVE, BRAIN

today it's just because the morning has been so rushed and busy and weird, and yesterday was weird because -hand wave at sister and her family and whatever their shit is that isn't my problem but was still uncomfortable be around-

so it's in SPASMS today

i'm about to order shrimp quesadillas though so TAKE THAT BRAIN, HOW ABOUT I FIND A FOOD THAT FITS EVERYTHING YOU'RE DEMANDING, HA