OhCecilia
I am in a bit of a predicament and you guys are probably the only people who might understand this. I am normally VERY pro keeping online and RL separate, especially with my online paramours. I share the broad strokes of my RL, but don't exchange pictures and prefer to keep my full identity, location, etc private. Thing is, I've known my current SL ...
OhCecilia
partner for 8 years, this is our 3rd time dating and we're currently at 2 years and counting. This is my longest relationship online or offline with the exception of my husband. We've grown exceptionally close and normally, I don't want to spoil the fantasy and see them and vice a versa. Also, my husband has in passing said stuff along the lines of...
OhCecilia
wanting me to keep a strong delineation between RL and SL. I think if I asked my husband, he would probably be ok with G rated pictures though. I know what my SL guy looks like and even if I weren't attracted to him, it wouldn't bother me, but I don't know how he would feel about what I look like and respond if he weren't attracted to me. Today we had a long
OhCecilia
conversation about how he hasn't ever seen what I look like and did admit it feels a bit weird, especially after all this time. I think it feels weird. I don't like feeling like I'm hiding that part of me but at the same time, I don't want to spoil our relationship and have it negatively impact how he feels about me.
OhCecilia
So yeah, I'm kind of not sure if I should just suck it up and take the leap of faith and show him already or just maintain status quo. I do feel like it's borderline about to become a "thing" and I don't know how to word it better than that.
Nimil
i can totally understand both sides of this. while i regularly show myself all over the internet, there are others who can be a bit more modest when it comes to who they share their real life photos with. i can totally see it from his side, where he's shared himself with you and feels like you keeping that from him is kinda weird, but i can also understand
Nimil
your side, where you worry about the result of sharing what you look like. that said, you have been together for a long time, and if you are comfy with him, you should be comfy with him knowing what you look like. if you are still worried after all this time if he's going to show judgement over how you look, then perhaps he is not the right person for you.
Nimil
i do know for a fact that some in my little polyquadrangle whatever you wanna call it, don't have any interest in my rl self, and i'm fine with that, it changes nothing about our relationship which is more like flirty friends. of course i don't know your dynamic with this guy but i think you should really examine how you feel here and make sure he knows
Nimil
your worries
Mostly Phen
If G says he's not comfortable with it, would it still be a "thing" as you mentioned?
OhCecilia
I will say, he's been really great at not making it a thing so far and has said that even though he would like to know, he respects my boundaries. And I mean, to be blunt, we voice bang.. so it's definitely sexual in nature.
OhCecilia
Mostly Phen
: If George nixed it, it would be less of a conundrum because he's basically making the decision for me. I think it would still be a bit weird ,but not AS weird if it was a hard no from him.
Nimil
well if you're voice banging you aren't exactly keeping it very separate but i suppose those rules vary between different people. the people i've done that with definitely find rl me attractive >_>
Prue
This is an interesting one. I'm pretty blasé about the boundary between RL and SL, but I've learned to respect that, for other people, that boundary is more important for various reasons. If you are not comfortable with sending your SL guy RL pics, then he should respect it. Also, the fact that he is comfortable sending pics to you is not relevant to...
Polly Paperclip
I have mixed feelings about this. I like that SL is a fantasy and I think RL pics undermine that. On the other hand, I have exchanged pics without it ruining anything.
Polly Paperclip
Oh, look who showed up lol
Prue
.. your comfort. Our SL releationships do not have to be symmetrical.
OhCecilia
Nimil
: oh yeah, to be fair, where I draw the lines of separation is a bit more over to the RL side. I think I am unusual in that most people are either all in or all out
Prue
hahah hi Polly
OhCecilia
I think some of what's at play is also me trying to work on accepting myself, flaws and all. And if I'm not sharing my RL appearance with him only because I'm worried he won't find me attractive and NOT because of comfort or boundary lines etc, I'm not being authentic to myself
Prue
Yeah Polly and I don't have an entirely symmetrical relationship. I've had to learn that just because I'm comfortable sharing/discussing something, that doesn't mean I get to blunder in nosily where P might not be comfortable.
Polly Paperclip
And we've been making it work for a long time now
Nimil
that's a very good point. if its just you being comfy with your rl appearance and not you being uncomfy with crossing boundaries, that's a very different thing at play, and that's totally valid too because that worry of rejection is real.
Prue
yep
Mmw Strangelove
I once had a decade-long ...thing with someone in SL. I have thought so much about this. In our case, I was much like I am here, and he absolutely didn't do reality at all. It always worked because we made our time about being in the moment and respected each other's boundaries.
Prue
(to both Polly and Nimil)
Mmw Strangelove
You get along because your minds connect, obviously. If you show him a pic and he doesn't see it as the beautiful gift it is, you should dump his ass. 
Alicia ✿
I COMPLETELY get this. Because well, I look like me, and I don't look like what my voice sounds like or how my avatar as ever looked. My very first SL partner never wanted to see my photo. He didn't tell ME that, but told someone else who then told me. His reasoning was that he wanted me to stay the fantasy girl. I knew what he looked like, his full name,
Alicia ✿
everything. But he didn't want to know anything about me like that. And it kind of messed with me for a while.
OhCecilia
Nimil
: yeah, normally it's been more about boundaries, but at this point, we've not even logged in sl and hung out together in probably a year. All our time is spent outside of SL and we share so much of our RL together, it's definitely way more blurred lines than I normally have. thaumata: I mean, if he doesn't like what he sees, it will be the other way
Alicia ✿
So I keep things fairly separate with my online activities. Except I will show a photo. Because if someone is into me, if they enjoy me even just as a friend... I don't want to be just a fantasy.
Prue
I know two VERY good platonic friends in SL who have recently moved to the same city. They have decided not to meet up IRL because in might change their SL freindship.
OhCecilia
Alicia ✿
: that's really interesting... I can kind of see it BOTH ways at this point. It's a weird place to be in. And I'm sorry it messed with you
Nimil
i don't mind being a fantasy but that defines a definite line that will never be crossed. those that want me to be a fantasy girl will never get any rl anything from me.
OhCecilia
Prue
: pretty wild about the platonic friend thing
Nimil
of course my rl face is in my first life profile but that's all they'll ever know
Alicia ✿
I actually went on webcam with a friend recently. When we chat at night, sometimes he turns on his cam so I can see him in real time. Nothing weird, just us watching videos and I can see his reactions. I never went on webcam with ANYONE before. But then I did. And it wasn't bad. It was like really sitting with a friend. So while I do very much understand
Alicia ✿
why you wouldn't want to share pics or anything... what is the absolute worst that would happen? You've known this guy a while, he's into you, etc. Do you think he'd go running? Or would it just change everything?
Nimil
i like to sit on webcam with dakota cause its comfy and makes it easier to talk but he won't do that with anyone else but me lol
Alicia ✿
I do totally get the boundaries, though. None of my new friends know how old I am, and I never plan on telling them. LOL And most don't know what I look like, which is fine with me.
Prue
OhCecilia
: Yeah it surprised me, but they were both more comfortable with it that way. They've built up SL personas which express different aspects of themselves than they express IRL I guess.
OhCecilia
Alicia ✿
: I'm worried he'll lose his attraction to me and despite promises we made to one another that we wouldn't let a breakup affect our friendship, it almost always does. And I really would be crushed if I lost him as a friend too. He's the only person I spend time with besides my husband.
OhCecilia
Prue
: I can understand that sort of actually, if they have a SL persona, it does change things. I think my SL persona is a more confident, overtly sexual version of me, so it's not WILDLY different.
OhCecilia
Nimil
: that sounds really sweet. Cam always made me feel awkward, although, all my therapy time on cam is getting me more comfortable with it.
OhCecilia
If I do go through with the picture, of course I'll agonize over it being a NICE enough one. LOL. Whole other issue. He does know I'm a big girl and I know he isn't put off by that. Being bi and all, we talk tons about what we find attractive and not in women.
Mmw Strangelove
Any time I have been graced with a photo of an SL friend, it's just added to all the things I love about them. It doesn't change anything, just makes them even more 3D for me. It's who they always were all along anyway. It just makes me feel loved and trusted to see it.
OhCecilia
thaumata: you're adorable and sweet
Prue
Oh we all agonise over which pic to post (I assume). Run your pics past a trusted GF and they'll tell you which are hot and which are hotter 😁
Mmw Strangelove
I mean, I can see you and your avatar in my mind at the same time. It's possible to do both and love both. So that's what I mean, if he can only see you as a toon then forget him. You are a whole, real person and you don't need to be pigeonholed into anywhere you don't feel like being. xxoo
Mmw Strangelove
Just send him an ankle. 
Prue
hahahaha
OhCecilia
I don't share with most friends either because I honestly don't trust people. I know people share pictures of others without consent. I also have had people I thought were my absolute best friend turn out to be assholes. So yeah, all of this is foreign to me.
OhCecilia
thaumata: lol
OhCecilia
this whole thing started out because he was jokingly asking for a titty picture and I said, "if you could only see one body part on me, what would it be" and he answered "face"
Mmw Strangelove
That's sweet
OhCecilia
I thought so too! And I kind of feel like he's earned my trust? And well, like I said, sorry to repeat myself but yeah, I hate that I'm starting to feel like I'm hiding that part of me.
OhCecilia
I think I'll just start with talking to George about it and asking him how he feels and maybe go from there.
OhCecilia
I'm pretty sure one of my exes broke up with me because he didn't find me attractive IRL after he found my picture online. Long story, but I have a sneaking suspicion because of the timing of him learning my full IRL name and when he ended it.
OhCecilia
To be fair, that guy was majorly shallow and into skinny girls.
OhCecilia
I appreciate you guys letting me hash it out with you.
Nimil
if you go through with it think of it as empowering yourself to love yourself more, consider if he DESERVES that picture of you, and if he does, let him have it (pending george approval of course)
Chestnut
He is a good guy. You can trust him. I promise your RL photo will never negatively impact how he feels. Trust me on this, ok? You are beautiful and he loves you for you.
OhCecilia
Nimil
:
Chestnut
:
Chestnut
I know him in SL from way back in the day. I am saying this based on who he is as a person, not just because I want to be supportive. I absolutely do want to be supportive but I know you are worrying needlessly. He is a very good human
Amber
I don't have a huge amount to add to this but just saying hi
I don't have a huge amount to add to this but just saying hi
OhCecilia
Chestnut
: oh really?? I didn't know you knew him!
Chestnut
Yes indeed. We have not talked in ages but I was in SL and noticed he had a partner and it was you! I figured it out a few days ago. At one time we were very close. I met him on my alt Astra.
OhCecilia
Chestnut
: lol, I did better than that, he happened to have a few minutes free and called me right as you were telling me that info. He said he's going to give you a poke soon and thinks you're great.
OhCecilia
Small world!
Chestnut
I have genuine love for Zedd, Pidge, or Faust or whatever name he calls himself these days. You got a good one!
OhCecilia
Yeah, I think I do too. I'm a lucky gal. You're new to my timeline, but he has been a huge source of strength for me these past few years.
dkronfeld
Speaking as a boy who likes girls, I've always found that girls who I really like (for whatever reason) look beautiful to me. I've had it happen that a girl didn't really seem like it to me until I got to know her and then I couldn't understand why I didn't see it before. You're a beautiful person and I think you'll look beautiful to him.
OhCecilia
dkronfeld
: thank you for your kind words, friend
FREEarmStar🌟🎉
If it was me, I’d show him one. Yak’s SL profile said very loud and clear “I don’t want to meet you in RL!” I kinda glossed over that and we started talking about RL on our first date. Once we knew I was coming to meet him in person I thought it was fair that we exchanged picts. I purposely sent him a very unflattering picture and, 12 years later here I am!
FREEarmStar🌟🎉
Be brave, be bold, be free! If he cares about you then he’s already in love with the inner you and what you look like won’t matter. Yak explained to his mom that we met from the inside out. Did Yak turn out to be my ideal body type? No. Was I his? No. But we still both fell madly in love until the day he died. 
OhCecilia
FREEarmStar🌟🎉
:
Mmw Strangelove
FREEarmStar🌟🎉
: Inside out! Yes! That's a great way to phrase it.
FREEarmStar🌟🎉
thaumata: feel free to borrow that but it was Yak’d saying and I loved it! 
FREEarmStar🌟🎉
OhCecilia
: did you do it?
OhCecilia
FREEarmStar🌟🎉
: lol not yet. He’s not around on weekends and I haven’t even taken any pictures yet. I’m totally freaking out but committed to doing this.
dkronfeld
It's a scary thing to share a part of yourself that you're not really confident about. It's an act of faith and bravery
FREEarmStar🌟🎉
dkronfeld
: like haircuts right? 
dkronfeld
For most people yes, but when you have really good hair, not so much 
FREEarmStar🌟🎉
dkronfeld
: why thank you for noticing. Yes, I do have great hair. 
OhCecilia
Lol, you 2