once upon a time while making dinner, i came out of the kitchen to find my great-grandma attempting to eat an unlit candle with a fork

because it said apple pie on it, had a picture of apple pie, and smelled like apple pie

unfortunately, her daughter has no such excuse

i busted my grandma just as she was putting a gob of foot cream with epson salts in her mouth

made her spit it out immediately, marched her to the bathroom to thoroughly scrub out her mouth and dentures

then finally get to come down from that rush of adrenaline to remember the disgusted expression on her face right before all the action kicked in

she's laying down in her room now, mostly to get away from me and all my "carrying on"

dad's at work so i decided not to tell him what his mother is doing to make me want to drink, so i called mom instead