so to him it's just Jamil is deeply upset and throwing a fit about it. possibly due to snake god bullshit he is more inclined to cause problems. but also maybe this is just Jamil on a very bad day
he is mad at Jamil in the moment both for being a little bitch to Kalim and also for hypnotizing literally everyone, including him, but he's not mad in any lasting way
a lot of the mad also just like overlaps intensely with being worried about him and wanting to help and like. HE IS A BIT THE SORT OF PERSON WHO IS LIKE SOMETIMES FRIENDSHIP ENTAILS BEATING THE SHIT OUTO F EACH OTHER. IT'S NOT A NECESSARY REQUIREMENT BUT IT'S NOT A BAD THING
if it's like [Snail kills Rabbit in an indirect damage sending game] or something it's harder to hold that against him and also harder to feel responsible for it and also a lot is always happening in those kinds of games so it's harder to keep track of
but he does feel like even though it wasn't like his will or intention or fault necessarily it is still emblematic of personal defects. like frankly he is definitely building up an impression that he is probably very easy to brainwash into violence. PROBABLY BECAUSE HE IS IN FACT A CRUEL AND VIOLENT PERSON
thoughts in the current tag I just wrote to Zwei revolve largely around her asking earlier in the thread 'what did I do, why are you hurting me' and THINKING REAL HARD ABOUT THE BASEMENT MEMORY and just wanting to drive home that it was not a rejection of her and he didn't target her for any reason specific to her
he is trying very hard to not be afraid of touching her cuz he doesn't WANT to feel like if he does he will hurt her again and he does not want her to be afraid of him touching her or for her to feel like he's pulling away from her
this actually doesn't dramatically change things between him and Nanako because it's literally what Yuki was already thinking about their relationship on his own.
if she got angry at him, what if he got angry back, or what if she REALLY got rejected then, so she is very frustrated and angry with the situation but she's not taking it out on yuki bc [loev him and also oh no what if it pushes him away]
there are kind of 2 wolves inside of him or maybe more like 4 wolves where on one hand he does think it would be better to distance himself but otoh he is still on some level terrified that then nnk may just deexist himself and also he loves nnk and he doesn't want t
he wants nnk to develop other relationships regardless both because it's good to have more than one relationship and bc I MEAN HE ALREADY HAD A MELTDOWN ABOUT NOT HAVING THE CAPACITY TO BE NNK'S SOLE SUPPORT WHICH SEEMS PRETTY INDICATING THAT HE DOESN'T HAVE THE CAPACITY TO BE NNK'S SOLE SUPPORT
he's particularly worried about Yuzu being his girlfriend because in the first place he doesn't like nnk's other girlfriend and his original plan was for Jesper to be the one to eventually be like 'you don't have to go back to your girlfriend, who sucks, stay with me instead,'
but he's also not equipped to be the one who tells nnk not to go back to his girlfriend for all the abovementioned reasons. generally he is sort of terrified. he doesn't want to control nnk and he also doesn't know how to help him any other way
there was a point when nnk was like 'if you ever lose a kidney or something you can have mine' and for a split second Yuki was like 'ok' and that was sort of the confirmation for him that he cannot be what nnk actually needs because he gets influenced into nnk's worldview too easily
it's easy for him to feel safe with him and accepted with him and he has sort of an instinct to act spoiled towards nnk and cling to him and whine abt all his problems
forwardrelentlessly
: Yuki wants to go to Finch to check on Rin because he's worried about her but he also wants to find clothes that are not bloodsoaked to do that in because if he shows up covered in blood he feels like it WILL wig her the fuck out even if she won't want to say it
he does not feel like she will tell him anything that happened to her even if he asks. he just wants to like. make sure she's alive and hopefully sleeps in her house instead of running around not sleeping anywhere
also if he showed up covered in blood then SHE might ask him what happened to him and he doesn't want to talk to her about that either. that just seems really awkward.
he distantly knows he should tell Rin at some point that he and Zwei are looking for a way to break the curse but he doesn't want to do that if she seems stressed. also he is tired. he wants to nap first before fielding that conversation at least
God of Brats
: the other problem I am circling around to is I already talked about Akito a bunch in the endgame plurk so now I am like what did I not cover about Akito update yet
in terms of more physical/tangible accomplishments his garden is honestly probably kind of insane for one person's work to create and maintain (which to be fair is because he has enlisted native fantasy rodent helpers so it's not entirely one person's work) AND THIS IS IMPORTANT TO HIM but a lot of the things that feel like the biggest accomplishments to him
- Zwei said she likes me - reexisted nnk like twice now - Kaz let me touch his leg - [the various confessions he has actually managed to make to people like telling og Salamander about his curse, telling Zwei about his feelings for Akito, etc]
honestly telling Akito to his face how he feels about him would be potentially the biggest accomplishment except it went terribly and didn't really work on any level.
there would probably never be a good time true, but also that's what resulted in a lot of her "you're cruel for wanting someone to depend on you, everything anyone ever says to me is a lie" etc
it occurs to me that Akito calling Yuki out on his shit with nnk in a way Akito didn't actually understand the full weight of really kind of calls back to Akito in canon calling Yuki out on being a momcon in a way Akito didn't actually understand really,
this actually isn't new it has existed in his brain for a while now. but he is intentionally trying to hold back from using the word 'love' so Zwei gets to say it first
THERE ARE OTHER REASONS FOR THIS, like in Japanese saying 'love' is honestly kind of melodramatic. this isn't necessarily true in anime but furuba hedges closer to this in how it handles language and social norms when compared to a good amount of other jp fiction.
Yuki in particular changes the way he talks as appropriate for the context which not all fictional characters do even in furuba. though he does also just say insane shit with a straight face but you know
in any case his baseline of expectation for relationships (general) is that it's not actually strictly necessary to go all the way to the word 'love' Ever, and that doesn't mean the relationship isn't loving, just that it's expressed differently. he IS a person who places a lot of value on saying things aloud though and also is, himself, kind of melodramatic
right now they have not even been dating for a month so there is a part of him that is continuing to try so fucking hard to be like OK LISTEN WE CAN GO AT A REALISTIC AND NORMAL PACE. I WANT ZWEI TO GET TO EXPERIENCE NORMAL THINGS. I DO NOT HAVE TO BE AN INSANE PERSON AND START THINKING ABOUT WHETHER IT'S POSSIBLE TO GET MARRIED IN A SNAKE CULT
but also he knows he is just so ready to move so much faster in this relationship than she is as far as like standard physical and verbal affection goes at least and he is just like [HANDCUFFS HIMSELF SO HE CAN'T SLAM THE HYPERSPEED BUTTON]
he wants to go at a pace that doesn't completely overwhelm her!! he wants her to have the space to feel comfortable and confident enough to take the lead herself sometimes and not feel like she's constantly stuck in the position of just trying to keep up!!
and it would just be reassuring to him in a sense of not having to worry that he's smothering her or pushing his feelings on her or like if/when she does say it it's due to feeling pressured to reciprocate
if it came to a point of like 1 year in or something he might hint at it a little cuz he doesn't expect her to fully read his fucking mind. but rn he considers it probably just premature regardless so he has patience and no real expectations
in imeeji there was the whole running joke of how Ardashir wouldn't communicate shit to anyone ever to the point most of his major cr still didn't know things like his real name or the fact he was a king until like after his graduation announcement
while I would constantly just be like I'm so sorry everyone this is actually just me putting my own adhd symptoms of never thinking to tell people fuckall ever in my ocs
Yuki is actually the opposite of that. he intends to tell people things constantly. he doesn't always do it because he has OTHER communication issues but the problem is rarely just head empty
oh right he does also intend to tell the new salamanders about the zodiac curse. he '''intended''' to before but really was not actually in a place where he wanted to say shit to anyone but now he is feeling better about saying it openly. Gil has already seen him turn into a rat anyway
- reexisted nnk like twice now
- Kaz let me touch his leg
- [the various confessions he has actually managed to make to people like telling og Salamander about his curse, telling Zwei about his feelings for Akito, etc]