So I invite my inlaws over fairly frequently. Each time Cynthia swears they're coming. I clean the whole house, I clean their room, and without fail, they text or call with "sorry, we don't feel comfortable leaving the cats with a sitter" or "sorry, not feeling great".
I've given up inviting them over. Even Passover was a will-they-won't-they struggle because they had a room for one night in a hotel. They came for passover, then felt they 'needed' to get back home for some reason and took off without staying in the hotel. Which is a five hour round trip
So Sergio when we were dating would get his hopes up and then inevitably be let down again and I was sick of seeing it. My opinion of my inlaws by the time we married had hit the part where I'm like "It'd be nice to see them, but I'm not going to stress out until I see them in the flesh on my doorstep" and that's worked out pretty well for me
And we had called up Cynthia and asked about staying and she said "no" because she had Sergio's grandmother and we respected that and looked elsewhere for accommodation, but she offered to take Frankie and we said "sure that would be lovely."
We come up to go to my mom's friend Ilona's Burning X party where we all dress as witches and burn shit that we want to get rid of from the last year and it's very cleansing
So we're looking around going like "Okay we want to maybe go poke around Bennington and hang out." and Sergio goes "Yeah I know I grew up there but I've never explored the town"
" so Mom and me are like "Perfect. We'll drive up on Friday, drop off the cat, crash at the hotel, then Saturday we will go explore Bennington, that night we'll go to the party and then we will go home on Sunday."
We get in, say hi, crash at Cynthia's place on Friday. Sergio's dad works on Friday so we don't see him but we get Frankie settled and she starts handing us passes and I'm like "Okay maybe we will but maybe we won't" and I takethem to be polite. and she starts giving us a million gifts because this is how she shows affection
And they're all to things none of us have any interest in going to see. Like Civil War monuments but none of the cool battles, literally just an obelisk in the woods.
And in the middle of all this activity (and previous plurk mention about hard drug parties and lesbian politics), Cynthia goes "Oh and Sergio's father is having foot surgery so you might want to see if you can grab a meal with him" and my mom says "Okay, maybe we will".
So now it's today and we're going to pack up and go home and the question is "Should we go see Cynthia and Papa first, or go to breakfast at Ilona's because she invited us for brunch." and we universally decide to go to Ilona's because if we go to Cynthia's, we're gonna be there for three hours saying goodbye
My phone now has service. I'm getting text after text from Cynthia two hours ago about how it would be nice if we came over for food because Papa is a diabetic and he's waiting for us.
We go in and it's just Papa there and he hugs us and we hug him and we go to grab the kitty. I ask about his foot, he says yep, gonna get surgery. I say cool, okay, let us know if we can do anyhting. He's all smiles. We ask if he's eaten, he says yes.
We get the cat, we say "hey, we'll stop off at the AirBnB before we leave to say good bye to Cynthia so she doesn't feel like she missed us." and he says that would be a good idea. Wave goodbye. Peace out
We go up there. And Cynthia is waving at us and we're waving back and saying "Goodbye, sorry we can't come in, we have the cat, we're headed home but wanted to say thank you for watching her."
"That's just how it works for us! I thought we agreed on Friday you would eat with papa! And he waited for you this morning! He's not supposed to wait because he's diabetic but he held on because he thought you would come by and then he skipped LUNCH-"
And I bring out my phone because I want to show her where it is in the mountain of read receipts I have on this enormous saga, squashed between a million "Frankie is so cute!!!" photos and videos and texts."
And she starts going "In the future??? I never see you! I know we moved up here away from everyone but I don't know when you'll be here next and I didn't get to see you this trip at all!"
And I go "Would a schedule make you happy, Cynthia? Four times a year? I have more vacation time but I'm telling you that that might go out the window if we have a foster kid"
and she went "Twice a year is fine! Twice a year is wonderful!" and inside Sergio and I are looking at each other because we see her three times a year already and she can't count.
And she misinterprets and starts going "It's no one's fault! It's nobody's fault! It's my fault. It's my fault, but you should still come visit your father because he won't say that he wants you here."
And i cut her off and went "Well, I'm very direct, Cynthia, and if you had told me that Sergio's dad was going to have surgery and wanted a meal with us before now, I would have made time." and she goes "I"m direct too! I'm always direct!"
And I'm laughing in m yhead and smiling to calm my frantic mother in law down who is going on and on about how she was "cheated out of time with Frankie but it's not our fault, don't feel like you have to spend two hours driving home feeling bad about it" "Oh, don't worry, Cynthia, I won't."
And I go "Okay, let's all calm down, no one's upset or panicking." And my mother in law goes "I'm having a panic attack." and I go "Are you really?" "PROBABLY."
"January!" "Okay. When it gets closer to January, call me and I will clear time with our jobs. Do you want us for Christmas?" "I TRIED TO GET CHRISTMAS BACK IN JULY AND YOU WOULDN'T ANSWER SO WE ARE WORKING CHRISTMAS EVE" "Okay. We will see you in January."
Mom is like "holy fucking shit I'm so sorry Allison, I feel so bad for you." and I go "I don't. I don't give a shit what she thinks anymore." And I check in on Sergio and we both calm him down and tell him his mother was 1. way out of line and 2. laid the mommy guilt on thick enough to rival some of the best Jewish moms in my family
I made sure she pooped this time before we left. We have a litter box in the car and she's usually pretty good about letting us know if we need to stop
mom is like "why are you so calm" and I'm like "therapy is amazing." and we talked a lot about family trauma and Sergio had some revelations of why he shuts down and how it's cruel to mass-text neurotypical kids and expect them to retain one tiny sliver of information and never get confirmation, let alone someone on the spectrum
Sergio in the car going like "I'm sorry, I'm sorry" and I go "I'm not. Your mom has anxiety, same as me, but the important thing is to not drown yourself trying to help her out"
"my kid isn't talking to me! I do this, this and this for them." "okay but what happened" "I don't know, I just IMPLIED that their father was going to die from routine surgery and won't eat without them when he's diabetic WHICH IS TRUE why won't my children speak to me"
“Hi, rereading texts I see that Allison you said 2 times that you were leaving Sunday. This was my mistake. My unreasonable meltdown was due to the fact that I thought I had more time with you and papa would have had time too.
I love you guys and miss you guys and winter is coming and I didn’t know when I would see you again and I felt like my heart was being ripped out, I couldn’t understand how you guys seemed so calm about leaving.
The reality is you don’t feel like we do because you are young and building your lives and know we will get together again and I just panic because I don’t know when.
Also we try to always seem calm, cool, nonchalant about time with you guys because we don’t want to put the unfair pressure our parents put on us all the time, but then too much time goes by and we miss you and probably unreasonably jealous that other people get to spend time with our kids,
Tonio has Connecticut people, who we care about and you we care about and are happy are so welcoming and loving of our kids, but miss you and never know when we will get to see you. Know when we will see you will help me. Then papa and I will have something to look forward to. We love where we live and we love each other but we need you guys too.”
especially odd when combined with the many times she's cancelled scheduled visits. (which makes it seem like she wants you to put forth the effort to go to them, but not herself put forth the effort to go to where you are)
Cynthia: The only thing I would change, (on my side) is that my hyper anxiety is not more than likely exhaustion from Nona and Susan caretaking I don’t sleep well at night when she is here I am constantly scared she will fall or choke or die and it will never get better only worse
,it is also very draining when I only talk to Susan who either hates me or loves me and won’t remember and Nona who either hates me or loves me and won’t remember.
Honestly I can understand you guys being exhausted from the extra work, learning and experiences you are having to complete to enable you to foster, it actually is the opposite for us, it is calming thinking about our kids working towards something they really want. 💓
Cynthia: We have long conversations with Sergio but we don’t have to, I honestly just try to fill in the silence of the two men who say nothing. We can do ten minute calls every Sunday night that works for you. I love to hear your voice
Cynthia: Thank you very much, I know these truths. Just was very excited 2 months at a time I see no one except the empty Airbnb and papa who is just too tired. That is not up to you to fix, I love you both thank you
Mentioning boundaries made her flip out because the last time my sister-in-law tried it, she got it into her head that she was trying to ban her son from seeing her
My otherwise good-at-navigating-her-mental-health friend also gets triggered by boundary discussions, because she has another friend who would use 'I'm just setting a boundary!' as an excuse for shutting down any time my friend tried to stand up for herself.
but he was like "fuck Vermont" and died on Mondaymade me audibly laugh