[???]

When I finally come around, my mind have already been falling down into a void.

It'll never be enough, the more attempts I take, the more disappointment I throw at myself.

Be it lacks courage to try, patience to learn, will to change. There's always excuses that prevents me from improving.

All I can do, is feeling how powerless I'm in this world.

Sometimes I peeked outside of the window, displaying sights of gorgeous lifes I'm not capable to achieve. Then both envy and jealousy will rush over me, make me feel worse and worse.

Why can't I just be like them, I contemplated from time to time. What have gone wrong in my pathway of life diverted me so drastically.

If keep living on will only result in futile, then what's the meaning of existing anyway. Why giving me hope when it gonna be take away again.

The only salvation I have in hand are those poisons, they take away my abilities to feel depressed, at the price make my concious vague. And begone the next morning arrives, starting a new loop of suffering.

Perhaps isolate myself from those overwhelming information can keep me from suffocating, but then anxiousness will come to take it place, not knowing anything terrifying me more.

Should I keep clinging onto this world? I don't know anymore. Of course part of me still yearning for a better life, just like everyone does. But now it's too unrealistic to reach

Have vandalized myself so badly, my stamina has decreased over the years. I can barely catch up with anyone at this point.

Terminating this life would be a reasonable approach, but they won't allow it. Even though I thought I made peace with it.

Make assumptions with idealism, they ignored my offers, not knowing I'm not only saving myself but also them