state of the mala i suppose? incl. mh talk
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state of the mala i suppose? incl. mh talk
state of the mala i suppose? incl. mh talk
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good news: bf's mom's hand surgery went okay, and her recovery isnt being super demanding
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so there isnt anything external keeping me in my hiatus. that said, i'm going to stay in it anyway because, bad news: i am pretty sure my depression has been butts
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plus, being in crisis mode for a month, only alternating from highkey to lowkey, has really sent my brain for a spin
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(*only alternating from highkey to lowkey at any given point instead of going away entirely during that month)
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on the depression front, my motivation to do even my favorite things has been utterly sapped. for a little while, i kept myself going entirely on gacha games, but right now i'm even kind of fizzled out on that (though i really need to rush the pokemon event in genshin before it goes away)
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on the brain-recovering-from-crisis-mode front... basically coming down from dissociation i guess? and i thought i was doing okay with it at the time, and took measures to make sure i let myself feel things instead of shutting feelings off entirely, but
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there were some hours-long periods where i pretty much had no choice but to numb it out
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(waiting on the surgery, remaining on standby to jump up at a moment's notice, etc)
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i keep catching myself having some pretty big "holy shit, existence" moments
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but, that said
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past few days, i've caught myself starting to have character thoughts again outside of One Character
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(bc my brain has been in One Character mode during all this, who is a fandom OC that i cant take anywhere or easily introduce to anyone except for his psl partner)
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(so... havent even had other outlets for One Character Brain)
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(pours one out for fandom OCs)
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but like
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yesterday i was thinking thinky thoughts about zetta. today, i was in a bit of an elle mood though i didnt do anything with that
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i had a tiny spark of a thought about something that would probably help kyoko's depression in 
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(still dont want to drop. still facing some issues with her though, just, more of the same as what i've mentioned before, plus its not always fun to have depressos at the same time as your character)
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something i think is interesting is like
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playing project sekai/colorful stage has been helping?
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its a little meditative, but its helping jogging parts of my brain that ive been missing a lot
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which honestly does make sense. music used to be a big part of my life, and at the same time as when i was highly creatively active otherwise
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and thats around the time i was really into vocaloid stuff too
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so that lines up nicely in that regard
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plus, the theme of pj sekai being about remembering your true feelings -- getting back to what got you into a creative endeavor in the first place
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the magic that they can have
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that feeling of connection when you share them with other people
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lately, even before all this happened, i've been thinking about how i miss how my brain used to think
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i had a startling memory of when i was very young, when i could actually find enjoyment in being sad. it feels weird to think about now and i dont know if i can really explain it
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but it was such a whole-hearted embracing of feeling deeply, and turning that into creativity
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not to mention how easy it all used to be. to feel -- to create and share
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plus theres just the whole. our brains literally dont think the same as they did when we were kids
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the pathways change with age, let alone as an effect of mental health bullshit
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my brain used to make connections in ways that i dont know if i can replicate any more
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and like... i feel, too, that i've forgotten some of the original feelings i had when i first embarked on writing some of my characters
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this came up with elle in particular as i've been slowly poking and prodding at her and reviewing her early canon
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there are certain ways of feeling certain emotions that were critical to the way i made her, and the way i wrote her experiencing the world
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and i think it is very interesting that thats changed so much for me. that i cant really recall those feelings, when it used to be very easy to tap into that
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but i also run into the problem of like... while its my character, i can write her how i want -- i feel like those certain ways of feeling certain emotions were very important to the particular spark she had
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and i worry that like... with how i am now, can i still portray that spark?
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its okay if thats changed. if i cant recapture that, i'll just figure out a new way of writing the same character in a way that still holds meaning to the me that is now
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but i dont want her to lose something i feel made her special -- that would make her feel special again
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elle in particular is forever a character i'm going to be self-conscious about, just because she's one of those characters that's really important to you
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regardless of whatever baggage i might still have from the shitshow that was boomtown
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i've also been wondering a lot about stuff like this with zetta, too
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the bulk of her actual writing was done in a psl that played all kinds of silly buggers with the canon plotline
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so its a little hard to canon review for that, but also, like... i'm trying to get back to the roots of the things that make her character important to me -- the messages that she as a character would carry
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(these two in particular since my second at would be one of them)
would be one of them)
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but like, i know for a fact that my depression has been fuckin bad without me noticing because
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its been a while since ive done something with zetta -- ive done more with elle recently, but thats still within the nice safe confines of psl land, not in a game
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so its not too surprising that i'm re-examining their characters a bit, trying to feel my way back to where i think i should be with them
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but
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i'm even having that same kind of feeling with kyoko
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who i have been actively playing for months
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that feeling of "i've forgotten the important feelings of writing this character" -- well. kind of? i remember what they're supposed to be, but there's no spark there
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i really just want this stupid curtain thats hanging over my brain to draw back
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i dont really feel myself. i miss feeling creative. i miss the way my brain used to feel. depression can go suck a left toe
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i still want to come back to 
. i still wish i could send elle, since she'd be perfect, but she isnt appable. edward is still the safest bet, and if silas does app hilbert, then i SUPER need that CR in my life
. i still wish i could send elle, since she'd be perfect, but she isnt appable. edward is still the safest bet, and if silas does app hilbert, then i SUPER need that CR in my life
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kyoko is still a possibility but with the huge question mark that is going on with my motivation for her in particular, i dont actually know how viable that idea is atm
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i wish i played more actually canon characters these days
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i just want to introduce new people to my malleables and show that theyre good and have fun making new stories with them. idk
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there are other games that will take malleables but the thought of apping to an entirely new social climate with no one i know is abjectly terrifying with a canon character, let alone what is basically a canon-sanctioned fandom OC
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i vaguely have kicked around the idea of trying to revive my rp tumblr again, but imagine having the kind of self-starting energy required for that. seems fake
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(you have to be very on the ball with tumblr rp)
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(dwrp has AC, sure, but you have to do heckin marketing to get traction in tumblr rp)
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(plus, its harder to do plot-centric stuff on tumblr, and i really love the cross-canon that you get in dwrp and struggle to get with people you dont already know on tumblr)
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it doesnt help with all this that like... i guess its RSD or just anxiety or whatever -- but in particular, im having a hard time with feeling like... invisible... ignorable... undesirable... not missed... etc
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which just makes me want to burrow deeper into a corner and is one more hurdle to dealing with motivation issues
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tldr to say that, yeah, im staying hiatus'd with some general hope that ill be feeling better by the time the holidays are over
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it feels very annoying to, like... want attention. but cant figure out what kind of attention which means i cant work out how to pursue or generate said attention. just end up feeling like a whiny loser instead
eggman
reaches for
eggman
I'm still up for psls if you want!
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i feel so bad abt not following through on the one we planned ;_;
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but kyoko muse is struggling atm... if you wouldnt mind workin out another one with one of my fallouts instead, i'd honestly love that
فك يو
man, that bit about losing the spark of a character because you've forgotten how to do the emotions you once had surrounding them
فك يو
you put the thing into words
فك يو
i'm sorry you've been having such a tough time, fam
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its such a strange feeling, isnt it?? especially when you know it used to be so so strong
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thank u 
i wish my brain could just be fuckin functional
i wish my brain could just be fuckin functional
eggman
sure, we can plot out something else!
zoki.
I don't have much to say, except sending you love <3 I'm sorry things are so rough
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eggman
: i will toss you a message soon then :3b
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zoki.
: 
i super appreciate it
i super appreciate it