LiberBEARian
[rl] [cw; alcoholism]
LiberBEARian
So Mom had broken her hand two weeks ago because she was drinking and stumbling around and she fell and now she's in a cast for the next month and a half.
LiberBEARian
And it's been a bit tough tbh. I can't get FMLA because she's not out for consecutive days in a row, but I'm getting her dog walked and helping her in the shower every morning and trimming nails and cutting food and opening pill bottles
LiberBEARian
This on top of going to school and working full time
LiberBEARian
She also can't drive so that means splitting driving duty with Sergio.
bluecanary
Jesus
LiberBEARian
And mostly this has been tolerable because she's very apologetic about needing shit from us and has stopped drinking for the most part and our relationship like. immediately improved.
LiberBEARian
She wasn't in pain anymore from what's probably undiagnosed gout and can walk on her own and I can come downstairs at 10 without getting into a thing with her
LiberBEARian
Yesterday was rough because she had a dentist appointment at 2 and Pip had to be at the vet at 5 and I had homework due that night
LiberBEARian
So I drive her to the vet, drive home, work for a few hours, Sergio goes to pick her up, and then I take the dog over
LiberBEARian
*dentist what
LiberBEARian
And then I'm at school finishing up this week's homework
LiberBEARian
I come downstairs at about 10ish after my quiz is done and she's stumbling around again with a glass of wine and a cast, going back for more
spooky queer
LiberBEARian
And I just felt this fury like. eat away at me.
LiberBEARian
Like fucking christ.
LiberBEARian
I'm staring as she's stumbling to the fridge and she sees my expression and mockingly pretends to take another fall and I'm just like
LiberBEARian
Fucking done
spooky queer
oh yeah no fuck that
spooky queer
fuuuuck that
LiberBEARian
Now it's my health that's suffering because the way I cope with all this when I can't get to the gym is eat unhealthy crap to keep ME going
spooky queer
your mom needs to go live in an assisted facility where they have counseling
LiberBEARian
And we have no groceries and I can't trust Sergio to go get them because he'll get the wrong thing and Mom can't drive. And I really don't have time to do this
big ol metaphor
Can you do grocery pickup?
big ol metaphor
Then Sergio can at just pick it up
big ol metaphor
Least*
LiberBEARian
Probably over at the Stop and Shop which unfortunately is more expensive than the Market Basket I prefer but yeah. It's a lot.
big ol metaphor
Walmart does it. Not everyone's favorite but
big ol metaphor
Target too, now
SPOILER ALERT
in your shoes I would be too angry to drive
SPOILER ALERT
or get near objects without kicking them
Becky
yeah. Online grocery shopping and someone else pick up. Still a pain but. A solid option when life's being a dick (or for me all the time but that's a whole ass novel that's not relevant)
𓄤𓆑𓂋𓅱𓏭𓄖𓎡𓏭
oh my god you have every right to be mad
SPOILER ALERT
I am so furious on your behalf
big ol metaphor
Yeah this is absolute shit. I'm so sorry. 
𓄤𓆑𓂋𓅱𓏭𓄖𓎡𓏭
holy shit, is there like....any way to limit the amount of wine available in the house, especially since you're the ones driving. I know you have probably thought of this and there are probably reasons, but, sometimes Not Bringing It Home is what it takes for me
𓄤𓆑𓂋𓅱𓏭𓄖𓎡𓏭
also, an injury was what shook me up and made me admit I needed to change things, so, this might be the time to have a (sober) conversation about limits
𓄤𓆑𓂋𓅱𓏭𓄖𓎡𓏭
absolutely furious about her pantomiming a fall, though, after everything you're doing for her
big ol metaphor
It might also help, since she is a piano player, to point out that once you've broken a bone it is pretty easy to break it again, so she should maybe be careful if she really is worried about that
big ol metaphor
Just. Try and make it about what she cares about, if you have to. Ugh.
spooky queer
use instacart/shipt, that’s what i do
spooky queer
but seconding limiting the wine in the house
LiberBEARian
Would that I could. Mom has it delivered
Becky
and you know also not really your job to manage that, though that sucks ass because you know. What a mess :/
LiberBEARian
^yeah that too.
LiberBEARian
I'll go with her to get her cigarettes and she buys wine at the same time too
SPOILER ALERT
also if you're drunk and pantomiming a fall there's a good chance you're going to. you know. fall.
Un(t)sundered
tbh, I feel like you'd be within your rights to either return any wine she buys before you go home when you take her to buy stuff or just dump it out as soon as you find any at home
Becky
the problem here is that mom is a grow up\
Becky
who is a contributor, from what I understand, in buying the house
SPOILER ALERT
maybe talk to her about that when she's sober
Becky
I mean you could have house rules and that's valid and mom's an inconsisterate asshole with a major problem but like
Becky
what the fuck are you going to do with another adult living there? You. You can't really... do that. I couldn't do that to my 22 year old kid. Could ask him to move out but if you're not prepared to go there
Becky
you REALLY can't take responsibility for managing their access to legal substances even if they're using them in ways that make your life hell
Un(t)sundered
True
SPOILER ALERT
you definitely can if she agrees to it as a way to help with sobriety
Un(t)sundered
Though house rules might not be a bad idea
Becky
yeah it has to be her buying in though. Ie: Agreeing.
Becky
I also kind of think 'this is yours to manage' is a sort of... potentially toxic thing rather than self-care but that's a mental schemantics game
SPOILER ALERT
we crossed the 'toxic' line a long time ago
Becky
yeah but actively taking mental responsibility for another adult's substance abuse/access is a whole new level
Becky
Like house rules, yes. Not enabling yes.
Becky
but god the energy drain from that would be intense at least for me
Becky
also it's an addiction which makes it harder. Addiction behavior is intense. She's NOT going to just stop drinking because it's not convenient.
LiberBEARian
Yeah I’m with
Becky
I can’t take her property, it’s controlling and also probably illegal. Plus I really don’t want to foster a relationship where my mom feels like she needs to hide this because that’s exactly what would happen
LiberBEARian
Also I just had a brief conversation with sober mom and told her what she did last night and she committed more to stopping drinking because of course she has no memory of it.
Un(t)sundered
/nodnod
LiberBEARian
“If I could have just one drink I’d be fine but I can’t.” “Yeah it’s like me with potato chips. So I don’t buy potato chips”
𓄤𓆑𓂋𓅱𓏭𓄖𓎡𓏭
oh god, delivery wine
𓄤𓆑𓂋𓅱𓏭𓄖𓎡𓏭
I'm so sorry
𓄤𓆑𓂋𓅱𓏭𓄖𓎡𓏭
wishing you all of the luck
LiberBEARian
Thanks guys. It helps to talk about it because I don’t have the energy for life changing commitments like alternative living arrangements just yet
LiberBEARian
I know these are more stop gap measures but I don’t have the energy for a lot more than that
LiberBEARian
“Why are you so mean to me Allison” oh I don’t know see all the reasons above??
CricketMomJenn
Oh no.
spooky queer
i know it seems like this is more energy conserving right now but it’s going to burn you out fast
spooky queer
it’s going to be a cycle of her promising to improve and then not doing it because you’re not a professional equipped to handle this behavior
CricketMomJenn
Yeah... if it was as easy as simply stopping, she would've stopped
𝗺𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗶𝗲𝘂𝗿 𝗱𝗶𝘅𝗼𝗻
yeah... i can only speak from the perspective of an addict with two addict parents, we're very good at congratulating ourselves for short sober periods and then going right back to it as a reward for 3 whole days without it
𝗺𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗶𝗲𝘂𝗿 𝗱𝗶𝘅𝗼𝗻
and thus feeling accomplished instead of like we're failing to achieve a goal
Un(t)sundered
I don't know if I'd be able to find it again, but a while back I saw something on tumblr that I think was from a legit addiction counselor about how it's really hard to not think of a white elephant (ie: whatever addiction) when everyone is telling you not to so you kind have to train yourself to look for a red balloon instead
bluecanary
im legit so mad
bluecanary
you're being mocked for being concerned? about her health? fuck you for caring?
bluecanary
this entire house is always on you and you always have to be the god damn parent for your mother
bluecanary
big ol metaphor
if i lived closer i'd bring you groceries at least :T
big ol metaphor
fire's right, this is way too much on you
CricketMomJenn
^^^^^^^^^ You legitimately have too much on your plate
Cmdr.Crackers
I'm so sorry. You have so much on your shoulders and you have no easy or painless way out of it. Obligation and love weigh heavy, but I'm so worried for what it's going to do to your health long term (what it already has). I have no solutions to offer you, but I hope it helps to hear that your frustration and anger are justified.
Cmdr.Crackers
this is not fair to you. at all. and you need help. I hope a change will come soon.
LiberBEARian
bluecanary
: fffff
LiberBEARian
I appreciate the gif thanks
LiberBEARian
Cmdr.Crackers
: Yeah it's fun when I don't even have time to go to Weight Watchers because either I'm at work, I'm at school, or I'm pilling our angry kitty
LiberBEARian
I have three more weeks and then I'm off for a few
LiberBEARian
Which is nice because August 20th-22nd I'm going to be just with Sergio. Mom and Pip are going to my aunt's for 3 days and the vet'll take care of Frankie
LiberBEARian
While we head over to Mystic to hang out on wooden boats and satisfy my ancestral urge to join the open seas
Cmdr.Crackers
when you get that down time, take a real rest. that's my suggestion. don't try to load up on all those things you could be doing
spooky queer
good you need a break
spooky queer
and yes that
Cmdr.Crackers
i hope you have a wonderful trip
BethampHATamine
Yesssss let Mystic soothe your soul.
Un(t)sundered
Yeah, agreed
LiberBEARian
fff the week before is PACKED too. I'm filling a cavity. Mom's got some kinda appointment. I have a final exam and a final project
big ol metaphor
lol as much as it's not necessarily fun to go to the dentist and get drilled at least you do get to just. lay there.
big ol metaphor
put a podcast on or whatever
LiberBEARian
Yeah I'm pretty used to it. I had an awful (as in 'later lost his license') dentist as a kid who filled in cavities way too big. That plus cleft lip surgery pulling all my nerves made me very dentist-phobic
LiberBEARian
So when i was like 17 I was all "haha TRY and make me go to the dentist!" and ran off to college and didn't go back until I was 22 and went "ow"
big ol metaphor
ew i didn't even know making them too big was a thing D: makes sense but also ahhhh DDD:
LiberBEARian
So now we're ten years later and STILL fixing mistakes left over from neglect and childhood trauma
big ol metaphor
yeah i really need to go get a couple teeth looked at but i just don't have the money/insurance for it ;;
LiberBEARian
oof. ;-;
big ol metaphor
but some of it does come from not bothering to go when i did :/
LiberBEARian
that's one thing I am grateful for, is not struggling to pay for shit right now
LiberBEARian
YEP
LiberBEARian
same
LiberBEARian
I got lucky. I have a cousin who's a dentist who gave me the nicer, more expensive enamel fillings for the price of the silver ones
LiberBEARian
He retired a few years ago but the people who took over his practice are aces too
bluecanary
8(
bluecanary
buddy
LiberBEARian
Hahhaha
LiberBEARian
Me to my boss: Okay so sorry for being all over the place but ever since my mom broke her hand I've been struggling to keep up. I don't think I'm eligible for FMLA
Bhaalspawn
I'm really sorry your going through this. If it keeps happening, you might tell her that if she continues to be irresponsible with her health and safety then you can't be asked to continue to disrupt your life to take care of her. Let her know that her indulgence is actually a burden on you, and her behavior is taking advantage of your relationship
LiberBEARian
My Boss: Okay but you could check? I don't know much about it but Belinda might
LiberBEARian
(Belinda, who famously is not a people person but also the head of HR)
LiberBEARian
Me: I really don't think I qualify
LiberBEARian
Boss: Lemme write her at least
LiberBEARian
Me: Okay
LiberBEARian
Boss: Hey Belinda here's allison she had a question about FMLA
LiberBEARian
Belinda: ....? okay?
LiberBEARian
Me: Hey Belinda my mom broke her hand and I need to take care of her for these reasons. I don't think I qualify for FMLA but Sara asked me to check with you?
LiberBEARian
Belinda: Oh yeah no. We do that for serious illnesses only like cancer. Maybe you should move to your mom's house to take care of her there since we're all still working from home
LiberBEARian
Yeah Belinda maybe I'll do that, thanks for the advice.
Lady Stardust
I have nothing helpfful but ugh
Lady Stardust
so much love <3
LiberBEARian
<3
Ptriciadactyl
Allison, you're dealing with so much.
Ptriciadactyl
I'm sorry everything is piled on you
CricketMomJenn
Yeah, it's way too much at once
ｐｌｕｖｉｏｐｈｉｌｅ
i really wish one of the other adults in your house would step up to handle some of this
𝔽𝕊𝕆𝕋𝕌𝕊𝕊𝕐
So... I don't want to say Belinda is wrong. But I think Belinda is wrong? Maybe not helpful if she's the gatekeeper at your work but.
𝔽𝕊𝕆𝕋𝕌𝕊𝕊𝕐
That said. Echoing what everyone in here has said. You've got so much on your plate hon and it's sucks and it's not even remotely fair. If you need anything seriously let me know. I'm local af.
skipthedemon
I'm pretty sure Belinda is wrong. Like I'm staring right at a presentation by a lay firm that lists a broken leg as a qualifying thing
CricketMomJenn
https://www.dol.gov/... Yeah, that sounds like bullshit
CricketMomJenn
That flier also lists transportation
skipthedemon
Looking at the Dept of Labor websit the general standard for 'serious' is if it causes "A period of incapacity (i.e., inability to work, attend school or perform other regular daily activities due to the serious health condition, treatment therefore, or recovery there from) of more than three consecutive calendar days"
𝔽𝕊𝕆𝕋𝕌𝕊𝕊𝕐
Your Right To Take Off From Work For Personal or Fam... <-- Mass in particular
LiberBEARian
Belinda is a piece of work but it's not in me to fight with her
LiberBEARian
Aunt Sally showed up to pull boxes of to-donate crap off my hands so I got to load the car
LiberBEARian
during my lunch break
LiberBEARian
/sfiiiiine
LiberBEARian
Most of my problem is that Sergio is like "tlel me what I need to do" and I don't wanna do that
LiberBEARian
He should just psychically pingme
Un(t)sundered
ooof, yeah
Un(t)sundered
you have enough on your plate without having to like. tell him what he needs to do to take some of the load off of you?
ｐｌｕｖｉｏｐｈｉｌｅ
honestly it is not asking too much to want a grown man, your husband, to figure out what needs doing and do it :<
LiberBEARian
things sometime take a bit to spell out for him.
LiberBEARian
and he does do most of the cooking
Cmdr.Crackers
does it ever help to write it out and post it somewhere he can re-read?
Cmdr.Crackers
that way you can at least tell him to go read it when he needs a reminder
LiberBEARian
It's a lot for me to remember to do
LiberBEARian
I'm so tired
LiberBEARian
I can't micromanage his shit
big ol metaphor
do you guys have a like, "family" google calendar or anything like that?
big ol metaphor
then it's not a micromanaging issue because it's like...automated...
big ol metaphor
it is one of those things where any solution will be quite a bit of work up front, unfortunately
big ol metaphor
it would! indeed! be a lot easier if he could just know
Un(t)sundered
yeah, some kind of... shared calendar or app where people could put whatever things need doing sounds like a good idea
Cmdr.Crackers
I don't think it's asking too much for him to at least make attempts to learn what needs to be done, though. I know for him it may be hard and he may need more time but some effort from his end would help you meet in the middle more
Cmdr.Crackers
an approach I've taken is to say, for example: if my husband says "remind me I need to pay the phone bill" my response is, "can you set a reminder in your phone right now to remind you please?" which puts the onus back on him but in a kind way. you know? I mean, the follow through has to come from his end but that's a start
𝗺𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗶𝗲𝘂𝗿 𝗱𝗶𝘅𝗼𝗻
every day i wonder how men survive in the wild
Cmdr.Crackers
small reminders that a calendar that isn't you, or a technological feature that isn't you, exists to help with these things so he doesn't just think of you as the main source for this helps more than you think
ｐｌｕｖｉｏｐｈｉｌｅ
i'm glad he at least does most of the cooking
236 bees
can you have a talk with her where you say that you are killing yourself taking care of everything and that her doing that kind of thing makes it seem like she does not care about that or about you?
236 bees
and that you are not going to be able to shoulder everything she cannot because she is choosing to get so drunk all the time and hurting herself and your relationship
236 bees
because this is hurting your relationship and its hurting you and she does not seem to care, I feel like letting her know all of that and that she doesnt seem to care could help be a wakeup call too
236 bees
you are going to end up back in the hospital
spooky queer
^^^^
Un(t)sundered
That, 100%^
236 bees
if she gets this drunk and breaks another arm then she is going to need to hire a private nurse and dog walker and grocery delivery and uber to make sure she is taken care of
236 bees
because, physically, you cannot do everything and it is deeply unfair for her to expect you to and abuse you for all the help you are offering
236 bees
I assume she would have the money to do that kind of thing
236 bees
but genuinely there comes a time when you need to tell loved ones that you love them, but you cannot do the thing they are asking of you
236 bees
and you are already stretching past that point
spooky queer
similarly like...i know you well and you tend to take on way more than you can handle til it’s too much as a default mode but maybe. nip that in the bud a little earlier
236 bees
I mean telling her "I am sorry but you will need to make arrangements" would feel like being an asshole but you have already been hospitalized for complications due to stress and quite frankly she in no way prioritized your health and recovery after that in the sort of way you are prioritizing hers
236 bees
which means, among other things, that you need to prioritize it yourself
spooky queer
agree
236 bees
she is a roommate
236 bees
if she was not related you probably would not be doing all this
236 bees
and honestly that kind of needs to be part of the consideration
236 bees
because she is expecting all the benefits of living with family and the benefits of living with a roommate and is acting like she owns the place
ｐｌｕｖｉｏｐｈｉｌｅ
i just really wish this didn't all come down to you pulling it together
ｐｌｕｖｉｏｐｈｉｌｅ
that's in general not fair, not right, and deeply unhealthy for you
ｐｌｕｖｉｏｐｈｉｌｅ
you've been going through hell lately and deserve to be the Less Capable Adult In The House sometimes
bluecanary
its not fuckin fair
LiberBEARian
Blah. Thanks everyone
LiberBEARian
I feel recharged - just drove to my crotchet friends meet up and chatted and came home
LiberBEARian
It just hits me like a truck some days
LiberBEARian
And we are talking about having a baby and I don’t wanna deal with stress on top of that
spooky queer
i mean you won't be able to, literally
spooky queer
your fam is gonna have to realize that
spooky queer
like when you have baby, you will not be able to do 50000 things XD
Un(t)sundered
Can confirm, yeah
236 bees
it's not that just hitting you like a truck
236 bees
it's you carrying a frankly unreasonable amount and some small thing causes things to start toppling
236 bees
frankly i feel like it's not anything huge that changed or that cause things to sometimes feel like too much, what it is is that like. it is too much for one person that you're already handling
236 bees
so anything else that's tiny is a big deal
236 bees
an inch of water is a big deal if you're only holding an inch above the surface
236 bees
anyway i just think that you've gotten yourself used to doing Too Much and it all hitting you that you're handling Too Much when anything changes or something small happens isn't an unreasonable response
LiberBEARian
Yeah that's some real good advice. Loads of good advice in this plurk, damn
LiberBEARian
Part of it really is me needing to retrain my brain to not jump up every time Mom sounds like she's struggling with something
spooky queer
that's a good start
236 bees
it's not bad that you want to help her! it shows you're kind and generous
236 bees
but helping her needs to be done in a way that won't completely overwhelm you
spooky queer
it's literally that tag you wrote where leonard was like "help yourself first" 
spooky queer
take your muse's own advice
CricketMomJenn
.... wait you know what there's a fucking book for this
CricketMomJenn
https://www.thriftbooks.com/...
CricketMomJenn
One handed in a two handed world by Tommye-Karen Mayer. It's for a stroke victim, but honestly with the length of recovery your mom probably has, it'll be useful
CricketMomJenn
It's spiral bound, so she can flip the pages with one hand! There's a lot of stuff available to help hold things
CricketMomJenn
And do other stuff