Identities. [cw talk of internalized homophobia and some ptsd mental health stuff]

Since I apparently came out of quarantine with a whole new gender ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I'm bi/pan mostly, gender doesn't matter at all to me its more about the person. I think I fall into the demisexual category too. friend to lovers is the only dating option in my dating sim.

I may also have some queerplatonic stuff going on? idk I have some p intense friendships and had some painful friend breakups that messed w me longer than it should have w just friendstuff.

I realized the last year I'm nonbinary. I present more femme, since i am a large bosomed plussized person, i wish i could present more masculine.

but a lot of stuff was repressed from my upbringing.

my parents were p conservative in some ways liberal in others.

I think my dad particularly had some intense homophobia stuff happening. Its personal for him because one of his exes found herself and I don't think he had ever gotten over her. This is the same aunt I came out to and has been with me on my journey.

i got married in her house

But i was a p queer kid.

v masculine sporty and in everything. As a teen i repressed everything so much.

I actually have swatch of holes in my memory

so repressed teen who refused to date anyone but was kinda dating my best friend.

untill my mom caugh me kissing her at 17 and gaslit me int breeaking away from my friends all together and dragging me to thier home country where i talked to no one for 2 years.

i didnt even know i was gaslit

or taht it had happened

i just remember a bad falling out that was unrelated

and i read this book by one of my author friends

The Love & Lies of Rukhsana Ali

and it brought everything back

I acually made up with that friend recently. apologized and we are on better terms now

i hate that the gaslighting had her questioning herself for years and caused her pain

ugggh but im glad it exists 17 yr old me would have loved this book.

so the last few years have been working through a lot of this.

when i was 19 i met cat via rp lmao

and then on my 21st i got to visit and we became best friends.

i realized i was bi then and it was a pretty rough realization

but idk im still parsing though gender and romantic stuff for me. its always been a complex knot

/hugs sounds really rough I'm so sorry. I wish it had been a bit easier and better for you on everything I say this to all my friends . you do you and be you . you are appreciated and loved as you are

ilu