early last week my sister texted me about her trying to throw a surprise bday party for her husband and wanted to know if the three of us could come down what will be this Saturday
immediately my reaction was no (for myself); I still barely do in-person shopping, and only if I absolutely have to, and only going to one place. no I don't feel comfortable driving 6 hours and being around a bunch of people and then coming back
and last week it was not helping my mood because basically, either I stick to my guns and don't go and possibly be made out to be the bad guy because everyone else went, no one else is making a fuss, etc etc. or I get guilted into going like my family has been doing to me for fucking years and I'll be miserable and such
I already told my mom I both don't want to go and I don't feel comfortable making the trip, and pointed out even if the party was for my sister I wouldn't immediately say yes for the same reasons
now - this morning my sister texted me that our father and his current wife are coming up today because his wife has to work and can't make it this weekend
and while I'd like to think it was a 100% innocent update... knowing my family and her, at least part of the reason for telling me is the whole guilting thing
(even though I'm sure he hasn't been masking or anything, considering last I heard way back when the pandemic started was him going along with one of the hoax theories /eye roll )
I feel in this kind of weird awkward ground anyway right now with restrictions all over the place and yeah I'm now 2 weeks post my last shot but considering how many people up here haven't been following guidelines for months anyway I'm not keen to ditch masking or suddenly start going places
and just. like, I'm not even making random store runs around town yet - why would I want to jump into driving to another state, knowing I'm going to stop at least once for gas/food on the way, at minimum being around his large family, and then coming back. plus staying at a motel at least one night
because either I stick to my guns and put my foot down and other people are unhappy, or I let them drag me along and I'm miserable and anxious and stressed the whole time
(my feelings aren't 100% around the pandemic; there's some tldr family stuff from back when my sis and him were engaged and drama that happened at the wedding, aside from just my sis and mom's dynamic, which admittedly has gotten a lot better especially in the last year but still)
like seriously this shit makes me feel like I'm 18 again and having to brace myself for putting everyone else over what I actually want and gods I hate it.
I also felt slightly iffy on doing a public rant/ramble on this because maybe I'm just being neurotic about not being ready to travel and such even though I'm vaccinated :/
I definitely don't fault anyone for doing what they feel comfortable with. I just know that I don't feel comfortable with any kind of trip yet, family issues aside
you should definitely not be guilted into going if you don't feel comfortable making the trip. Vaccinated or not, at the end of the day you have to do what you feel safe doing for your health both physically and mentally. If it's just going to me miserable for you anxiety wise to go, then don't go.
I mean, there's always the option of someone skyping/zooming you into the party too. That's what my family has been doing for gatherings because not everyone feels comfortable going in person. Your concerns and health should be respected.
I'm going to try and bring it up tonight with family just to hopefully avoid Friday being miserable, we'll see how it goes. it's bothersome I have to expect to need to justify myself but eh
I was going to say "I'm used to supporting myself" but that wouldn't be totally true because I suck at it, lol. but yeah, family support tends to be a non-existent thing most of the time
well no, I should say emotional support from family. can't say my mom doesn't support me since I know she'd never kick me out on the street. but yeah. when it comes to my decisions/feelings especially on stuff like this, not so much
on the way home I brought up my sister's text, which prompted my mom to ask "what did you decide?" - which her wording honestly surprised me, I was expecting the usual assumption
she didn't really say anything either way. I asked if she had mentioned going to step-father, no real surprise she hadn't, and of course she had to bring up the immunosuppressant stuff he's on. so I casually pointed out that was part of why I've pushed to keep working from home, bc I haven't wanted to bring anything home
then when we were about home she mentioned how she hasn't done a long drive since her back surgery and she doesn't know if she can do that much driving solo anymore
haven't heard anything and my mom didn't bring it up on the ride home tonight, so I'm hoping that's a positive sign that she's not going to try and last-minute strongarm me into it - rather than I'm going to hear about it late tonight when she's tired and slightly out of it :/
it's possible she could still say something tomorrow, but we're planners - whenever there's a trip, even when it was just a weekend trip a few hours away to an amusement park, plans were made and everything was around the day/night before, vehicles fueled up ahead of time, etc.
granted, it's always possible, but I guess I'll just have to wait and see. especially since if it is only her I have to imagine she'd take a short workday tomorrow so she could leave earlier and get to my sister's while it's still light out (she doesn't like driving in the dark)
sigh. I wish I could feel confident enough in our conversation yesterday to not fret at all. but I won't feel that until it's tomorrow afternoon and I'm relaxing here at home
hm. tonight went with no comments. and they went to bed kinda earlyish compared to usual, which I'm not sure how to take.
part of me hopes she did talk my step-father into going with her so she doesn't have to drive the whole way herself. and part of me feels like I should prepare to be heavily guilted and dragged along :/
meh can't do anything about it tonight and whatever happens tomorrow is gonna happen, so I'm just going to try and get a decent night's sleep just in case
she was starting to worry, because if her back cramped up partway there and she couldn't drive anymore she'd be out of luck. and then I guess my sister sent her kind of a vague text like she was going to have to call the mother-in-law when she got there because my sis would still be in work, which ehhhhhhh considering past drama
but then an hour before my mom's workday was done she got a project dropped on her that has to be done by midday Monday so she'll need to work on it over the weekend - so a nice convenient excuse for her
all day today I just kept telling myself that whatever was going to happen would happen, no point in working myself up over anything at this point. but man I wish I could have been confident enough to not even lowkey worry
she was texting me most of the day about something completely different, and hasn't asked me since that first day when I said I'd think about it, so I'm 99% sure she already knew I wasn't coming
well, that went okay.
on the way home I brought up my sister's text, which prompted my mom to ask "what did you decide?" - which her wording honestly surprised me, I was expecting the usual assumption
feeling weirdly nervous about this.
haven't heard anything and my mom didn't bring it up on the ride home tonight, so I'm hoping that's a positive sign that she's not going to try and last-minute strongarm me into it - rather than I'm going to hear about it late tonight when she's tired and slightly out of it :/
part of me hopes she did talk my step-father into going with her so she doesn't have to drive the whole way herself. and part of me feels like I should prepare to be heavily guilted and dragged along :/
One (hopefully last) update on this