Mad Larkin
[relationship] today in the ongoing saga, my boyfriend "wants to be left alone"
Mad Larkin
so I guess I have to just give him space and see what happens
Mad Larkin
even though I feel like I've been punished for something I didn't do
Mad Larkin
because he has a lot of stress, which means he's feeling anti-social (understandable), so I can't see him (...not as understandable)
Mad Larkin
but since we can't live together, what can we do?
Mad Larkin
I could just take the train and show up at his place anyway, but that would backfire big time
Mad Larkin
so all I can do is suck it up
Mad Larkin
I just feel really shitty and I've had random crying jags on and off since he told me he didn't want to pick me up yesterday
Mad Larkin
I'm just kind of on the end of my rope
Mad Larkin
and really split between keeping tomorrow open in case he changes his mind and just going out and treating myself as best as I can given covid
Mad Larkin
because I miss him terribly
Adarglad
god, I’m sorry
Adarglad
that’s just awful 
Mad Larkin
<3 thanks
Mad Larkin
and I did tell him that I wanted to see him in part because I have the opposite problem of being too isolated, instead of being around people who give me stress all the time, but IDK if that'll do anything
Mad Larkin
like, I am understanding of his issues, and I'm trying to not be an overbearing girlfriend or start an argument, but I do not see many people most days and it has a profoundly negative effect on my mental health
FʀɪᴇɴᴅIɴYᴇʟʟᴏᴡ
I am so sorry hon
Mad Larkin
<3 thanks
Adarglad
and, you know. as things go to ~have a fight~ about, this is not a bad one
Adarglad
like... there’s a difference between “picking a fight” and “deciding to get a set of conflicting needs on the table for actual discussion,” and I think it’s not overbearing to... not want to be cut out of someone’s life?
Adarglad
I think you hit something on the head, noting that this is part of not living together - it’s true that there’s a level to which you can avoid each other this way that wouldn’t be possible if you were in the same place!
Adarglad
and considering the eventual plan is to live together, there’s nothing unreasonable in saying, like, hey, I get your issues, I know it’s a rough time, but we need to find a way where I can give you some space but also you can’t just physically shut me out for multiple weeks in a row
Mad Larkin
yeah, if we actually lived together, he'd have to at least tolerate my presence
Adarglad
that’s not actually tenable in a relationship, and it sounds untenable to you
Mad Larkin
it is, at the moment
Adarglad
it sounds like it.
Mad Larkin
I'm going to play it by ear a little, but I may just let him know either this evening or tomorrow that it's more than just wanting to "hang out"
Adarglad
but yeah. conflict sucks and arguments suck, but I think this is exactly the kind of thing you want to argue about, hopefully in a way that breaks you out of the status quo so something can change
Mad Larkin
and I think you put words to the thing that's bothering me at the heart of this, that if he's feeling crappy, he can back off and cut off contact, which is the part that feels like punishment, even though I haven't done anything to warrant that
Mad Larkin
(and my roommate just got after me for slamming the microwave door and it took everything I have not to snap at her. I know she doesn't want me doin that, but I have shit on my mind ffs)
Adarglad
as somebody who likes to be alone when I’m anxious, I can sympathize with him, and I know you can too! But the thing is, you are an entire person, and you don’t cease to exist when you leave his space
Adarglad
Your feelings don’t disappear because he’s not feeling up to dealing with them. It feels like there’s not a lot of balance here.
Mad Larkin
yeah, I feel the same when I'm stressed sometimes! and I think a large part of my hesitation is really being afraid of being a "nag" or whatever
Mad Larkin
to be clear, it's not that he's not up to dealing with my feelings, it's that he's living with people he doesn't like (including his step-father, whose dementia is drivibg a lot of this) and working at a job he really hates, so he feels like he has no space for himself. it's entirely his feelings that are the issue right now
Mad Larkin
I think I just need to make my feelings clearer, whether or not that changes things
Adarglad
it sounds like it bothers you pretty consistently! I don’t think that’s being a “nag,“ I think that tells you something about yourself and what’s important to you to have in your relationship
Kira🌵
it's really easy to wind up in the trap where expressing your needs feels like nagging if your needs are being repeatedly ignored. it does sound like getting that on the table is really important! as a major introvert myself I'm wincing in sympathy with his situation, but also, spending time with your partner is not an unreasonable thing for you to ask
Kira🌵
I hope you're able to have a good conversation about it & figure out a way forward
Mad Larkin
it does bother me, but a large part of my issue is just the "we should be living together by now" thing and I think my patience with that just ran out
Mad Larkin
because that's been bothering me more and more, but as I've said repeatedly, that's something I have zero control over
Mad Larkin
boyfriend and I talked, and now I'm going out there for a week
Mad Larkin
so that works out, even if I'm feeling kind of off-kilter from the switcharound
Mad Larkin
or not, never mind, I'll be going out starting next weekend, through Memorial Day weekend
Mad Larkin
because I forgot I have my 2nd covid shot appointment this upcoming week
Mad Larkin
and no way am I missing that
Adarglad
I’m glad you were able to talk!
Mad Larkin
me, too!
Mad Larkin
even if I do have to unpack now
Mad Larkin
because I did that, then remembered "oh, wait, my shot is on Thursday
Mad Larkin
"
Mad Larkin
though as per usual, when I called him up about the shot and we decided to postpone it, he was way more chill about it than I was
Mad Larkin
I don't know why, but changing plans always makes me anxious and he's just like "whatever, it's just postponed a week"